Am I expecting too much from DH?

[Bitmorebroken]

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

You'd be perfectly entitled to day all those things to him after the way he had spoken to you.

I have no advice, but I don't think YABU. I left my self-important ex who thought he was exempt from everyday tasks and child-rearing, much like your husband. And he wouldn't have spoken to me like your husband did.

I should add, he plans our summer holiday and some weekends with kids like taking them to Legoland etc. that’s with me but he will organise and buy the tickets if we do family days out. But again, I don’t think this is comparable to the daily grind.

Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

Why would you regret saying this? It sounds like it's absolutely true.

Go on strike. It's the only way.

I agree you stop doing stuff for him. No presents or cards for his family, none of his washing and if he doesn't eat with the family well I'd not be cooking for him separately either.

It doesn't really solve anything but it stops you feeling resentful.

Is it that he doesn't realise how much there actually is to do? I would stop washing all his kit, preparing the bins, cooking most nights etc if he questions it just say you haven't had time because you've been doing xyz.

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.
This is so unbelievablely rude, disrespectful and invalidating, as well as ignorant at best.

You need to be able to talk to him without being personally insulted like this!

You could list all the tasks that need to be done and estimate time each one takes. Then divide it between you. A pain to do but might take the heat out of it (and demonstrate how much you actually do)?

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

This would be the point at which I would no longer feel the need to explain anything and would just file for divorce instead. Nobody has the right to talk to me like that, even if this is true, even if they feel absolutely assured in their viewpoint. Nobody. Ever.

Id write it all down on excel what you do and beside it wrote what he does. Tell him you are going to combine the lists and you both have to pick what you do. Including the finances, he can show you as you really should know the household finances and what goes where and there is no hope it takes hours. If you're truly part time yes you should pick up more but I would also be totalling up the hours he spends out of the house for himself (write that all down too) and tell him you need an evening and weekend morning/day whatever for you too. If you don't get him straight with the household it'll only end up with huge resentment on your side. I'm speaking from experience and it's taking a lot to turn that around down the line. If he isn't on board for helping I would tell him your not doing his washing for a start

We both work full time (1 DC). Yes we have a cleaner for a few hours a week, but the place would be a tip if neither of us condescended to wipe a surface or put on laundry! He can at least clear up after himself, we are teaching our toddler to do this FFS. What a dick.

Do not make a list, it just adds to your mental
load and he evidently doesn’t feel he should be doing any of it regardless, it’s not just ‘not seeing it’. The way he speaks to you would be enough for me to finish things regardless, but I’d certainly stop doing all ‘his’ bits as an immediate. His washing, his present buying, his dinner, all his problems now.

' because he earns more than I do ' says it all really, doesn't it.

the only difference is that you have one day not at work, so may have between 9am-ish until 3pm-ish to do all this housework/laundry etc etc etc
I can't believe you do the gardening/diy and decorating as well.

Surely his higher income pays for a cleaner and tradespeople ?

Women's unpaid labour (including the mental load) is invisible to men.

They don't see it because they don't want to. They don't acknowledge it because that would make it real. Instead the woman is portrayed as a nagging harridan or a madwoman.

My advice would be - don't try to resolve or discuss this when you're angry. If he refuses to listen to you, then stop talking about it.

Stop doing things for him. Do only for the children and for you.

He can wash his own sports stuff, organise anything to do with his side of the family (birthdays, etc), in fact anything and everything to do with facilitating his life, he can do himself. Similarly he can wash his own clothes and do his own ironing.

Whatever time he takes for his sports and other hobbies, you take the same time for yourself. Write it on a massive kitchen planner if needs be. If he is entitled to that time, then so are you.

It might sound petty, but sometimes it's the only language that men like that understand.

For comparison - we both work 5 days. Him 7:30 - 4 me 9-5:30

He does all outside jobs, garden work, anything car related - this summer over the weekend he build a full decking area with pergola canopy.
He goes to the gym or plays tennis 2/3 times a week. So do I.

He does all childminder pick ups and I do all drop offs.
they get home an hour before me and he starts tea, empties the dishwasher, washing machine stuff into the drier, cleans out and feeds the cats and vacuums and makes a start on homework with the kids.
I get home and finish off making tea, kids (8 and 4) lay the table and get washed up. We eat together between 6 and half past.
He clears down and loads dishwasher while I have some time with the kids, in summer a walk in winter we just chat about the day.
7-8 is bath/shower/gym time.
8pm bedtime. 8:30 lights out for the kids.
A joint 15 min run around to prep for the next morning checking the calendar, quick amazon order of anything we need, we are also both logged into the tesco app so can each add things we notice we need on to there for the next delivery (which grated I do schedule but don't take the full responsibility for) fold clothes out of the direr (kids are being taught to put their own away at bedtime) loading school bags etc before an hour together before bed.

We have a shared list for upcoming bdays on which we both make notes of what we think the person might like, the other just ticks it off when bought - again no expectation that one or the other will do it.

So yes - I'd have said more than what you're biting your tongue with if he dared speak to me the way your has. Sorry.

Stop doing things for him. Do only for the children and for you.

This. First thing you do it stop washing his clothes and sports kits, stop ironing his clothes and stop organising his family's birthdays/Christmas presents. he should be doing all of this himself anyway.

He's a lazy liar, the financial stuff doesn't take hours. Bills (gas, electric, broadband, council tax, etc) are on direct debit. Car insurance is easy peasy, the price comparison sites remember all your details each year and search for the best deals for you. It takes 10 minutes.

He is lying to you. Tell him to shape or you will divorce him.

deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed

Yes, please stop this!

He gets to look like a family man at YOUR expense, don't let him get away with it.

He won’t change. I’d leave him. But if you’re going to stay then I certainly wouldn’t be doing his washing or cooking for him

You could try going on strike
You could try not doing any work for him, e.g. his laundry
You could try discussions, lists of jobs, negotiations, etc.
You could try making sure for every evening/day out he has, you take an equivalent amount of time and leave the DC with him (even if you have nowhere to go and end up just sitting in a cafe)

OR, given the way he speaks to you and his obvious contempt and misogyny, you could just skip ahead, save yourself the time, and go straight for divorce.

Of course he earns more than you, you've been disadvantaged by having to PT to look after his children. It sounds like you're doing a lot and he should book some time off to look after the children whilst you see your family and recharge.

Sorry my response was probably a reflection of my personal situation. I hope you and your partner are able to sort this.

When I strip that down to what you and him both do, the crux of it is:

YOU DAILY
Work 24 hours per week?
Afternoon school pick up
cleaning
cooking
laundry
does 4 or 5 bedtimes a week

DH DAILY
Work 40 hours per week?
Morning school drop off
Takes the bins out
homework with kids
does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week
takes the dog for walk
takes the kids to their weekend activities

YOU NON DAILY
gardening
house diy
painting
life admin

DH NON DAILY
car admin
looks after finances

Yeah I'd say the split is more in his favour, however he works nearly double the house you do if the hours above are correct so I imagine you would have more free time than him.

I'd work out how long all the tasks take, and work out weekly between working and house tasks where the balance is. If its more in his favour he should be helping out by doing dinner, cleaning and laundry at times.

Cheeky fecker
i would be having some very serious words, i would stop washing his kit and i would prioritise making time for myself

tbh i dont think i could stay with someone who had so little respect for me

You’ve listed out all you do in a very wordy way and summarised his chores quite neatly.

Would be interested in hearing his POV on division of chores because it’s not looking that bad but I do think he goes out to much.

I don't think it's about who does what chores, it's more useful to look at how much leisure time t9u each have. If he has hours free a week and you have none because he earns more, then that's not fair and its him putting more value on the contribution that he makes vs your contributions. I think the only way round this is to tell him that you'll be focusing on increasing your earnings if that's the only way that he will agree to equal leisure time. So you'll be putting the kids in after achool care more, doing less chores, looking for a full time job, and outsourcing more at home so that you can concentrate on building your career

Menace24 - you’ve put a lot on his daily list that definitely isn’t daily!? And I think diminishes the mental load that I hoped other people who are / have been in the same position can understand.

but equally see that when you write it like that - with no allocation of hours and hours spent on some my daily tasks that it looks fair.

cooking a meal vs taking a bin out ….?!!!