Am I expecting too much from DH?

[Bitmorebroken]

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

It's not right that he gets to do sports and see his family and you don't

How chores and responsibility is split is flexible - as long as you both get proper downtime - perhaps focus on that aspect

I do agree you should be doing more than him, but certainly not all of it. So you're off 1 day a week- that’s 7 hours. So I’d expect you’d be able to get most of the washing and cleaning done. You could also get a main shop done. If you can’t get the bulk of it done in this time, can you hire a cleaner for a couple hours? or put the kids in afterschool club a couple days a week to give yourself more time.

So the rest of the time is keeping on top of it. I would make a few house rules like before bed every night you jointly need to leave the living room and kitchen tidy including a loaded dishwasher and wiped surfaces. Him to empty dishwasher in morning whilst kids eating breakfast. Him to do a wash on a Tuesday and Thursday.

Ill be honest, getting rid of the other admin shit might be counterproductive. You’re the one dealing with the kids more and you have the time post school to deal with it.

I was firmly in the camp of men should take responsibility and not need a list or to be told. Take some of the mental load. I’m older now and have decided this just isn’t the hill to die on. Everyone I offload the mental load, it gets worse because he doesn’t take it on and I just get cross. I now make a list as much as I hate the fact I need to write a fucking list.

What’s stopping you booking a couple of classes in the week?

You think you can meal
plan do a shop clean house and do laundry and pick up kids three times a week in SEVEN HOURS?

It’s the physical labour isn’t it? It’s absolutely exhausting. Doesn’t equate to sitting on your arse sorting finances. I detest vacuuming our stairs. He’s been rude speaking to you like that. Tell him you’re tired and need to drop something from your load. Maybe his ironing?

She gets a day off a week. On a Friday i do 3 loads of washing, the main shop, clean the kitchen, 2 bathrooms, the living room and at least a couple bedrooms. I will do a shop for Friday - Monday.

The rest of the week is maintenance.

I don’t disagree he could do more, but I think she needs to be specific about what she can achieve in her 7 hours and what he needs to be doing. For example, of course she’s going to be feeding the kids and doing school admin, because she’s there at 3.30 and he’s not.

I was in your shoes and I:

hired a cleaner
joined a gym and go 3 evenings a week which he has to work around
no longer food shop, meal plan or cook
only do bedtime or the dishes

I still think I do more but food shopping and planning is a big load off my mind. He has to do it because I’m not and he wants to eat. First couple of weeks did take an adjustment.

I hate the gym but it’s still 3 evenings where I get out for 90 minutes 😂

you don’t have to accept it.

She picks up at 5 from wraparound I think, not at school

My DH and I dealt with domains of responsibility. For example, my husband was responsible for laundry, and I for meals. Didnt mean that I wouldnt put on a wash, or he wouldnt pick up some groceries or cook a meal, just that the burden of ensuring clean clothes was on him, and meals on me. The process of defining and agreeing the domains was really useful. Personally, I think you should start with swapping overseeing the finances for laundry. Your current split isn't just about time, but, for want of a better word, power too.

I think cleaning the house, doing the laundry and doing the food shop is easily manageable in 7 hours. That is just for the day that OP is off though, the house won't stay clean all week without daily maintenance.

because she’s there at 3.30 and he’s not.

On a Friday she is (potentially - if she doesn't have them in the wraparound care that day - which, BTW reduces her 7 hours to 6 or less depending on time to do the school run) - every other day she's working from 8 so she can pick them up at 5pm..

He actually sounds emotionally abusive.
How can you stomach such selfishness.

As others have said.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

Not laundry, shopping, including him in food shop.

Don't do a thing for his family.
You will burn out if you don't lighten that load.
He sounds awful.
Tell family and friends that exactly what he is like.
He is clearly actively avoiding family life.

If you love him then get a cleaner and you'll feel happier and less resentful.

If you don't love him then get a new husband and you'll feel happier and less resentful.

In terms of mental load, we each take charge of different discrete areas. I took "older son's secondary school" - so parents' "evenings" (afternoons), checking the online homework thing when he was younger, talking through GCSE stress, managing a revision timetable, etc. I didn't do all of it, DH did some, but it was my area, and I'd ask him for help when needed.
DH is managing healthcare for younger son - again, I'm going to a pre-op anaethesist appt instead of DH next week, but the process is organised and managed by DH, who couldn't make a particular appointment and asked me to help out.
We aren't missing things or duplicating effort, but one person is in charge.

I'm with @Catza

He won't change
He's appalling speaking to you like that.
I would carry on as normal, he will shout / kick off at you if you try to change things
He doesn't care that you are exhausted and struggling .
Quietly carry on, get your ducks in a row.
Top up a pre payment card quietly, buy all the stuff you will need for you and DC for next 2 years, buy vouchers and stash them then divorce his abusive arse.

I'm on maternity leave, my DH does all the cooking, looks after DS once he finishes work because he wants to spend time with him, will mostly do the food shopping as (in his words) it's easier for him without an 11 month old in tow, take him swimming at the weekend, hoovers twice a week. We share the washing up & washing, he does most of the car stuff as he's friends with the garage owner, I do the insurance etc for mine, he usually fills both cars up, he does all the gardening, oh and he works full time! Not sure if I've missed anything there! So no, your DH is not doing his fair share!

The joint load of parenting, house, jobs etc should be split in a way that gives you equal down time and equal kid free time, that's what's fair. Earning more doesn't mean you're entitled you to do less of the drugs work.

Well yes it would be easier, you do everything now anyway, may as well do everything in your own home just for you and the DC - and if you left he would have the DC sometimes giving you time alone.

I guess he would suddenly have time to do housework and cook for himself if he didn't have a live in maid.

Something for him to think about....

He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do

I find that troubling. It's not about how much each earns, but about how much time each has to devote to home and family around work commitments.

The crux of the matter seems to be that his schedule allows for him to see his family and pursue a hobby, but yours does not. That is what you need to be discussing with him. Tell him the things that you wish to do but do not have time for, and that you wish to have equal priority to be given to you to do these things in the same way as it is to him. If he responds by saying he deserves this time because he is earning more than you, then I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to concluding that he does not have your interests at heart at all.

Whatever happens, please do not take on the responsibility for remembering his family's birthdays, buying their Christmas presents etc. - that is down to him, not you.

@Bitmorebroken Ha, this happened with my EX husband for years, and then I left. I did Excel sheets, chore lists, tore my hair out.

But essentially he was misogynistic and lazy.

The last straw was he said “You don’t do much for a woman, anyway”.

I think I left about a year later but obviously I had emotionally checked out.

I do still have plenty to do single (but not really), but I DON’T have the frustration of an able bodied adult not pulling their weight and being a chauvinist twat. Plus everything is on my terms - bliss!

There’s another famous article about dishes, written by a man.
Ggood luck!

God, how entitled he is. I think you should say to him what you have said here.

You should have equal down time in a week.

At weekends he should do equal cooking and housework. You should have one lie-in each.

I'd point this out then to on strike if he doesn't shape up.

Good luck. His views sound so entrenched that it will be hard to change his mind. What an arsehole.

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

He is completely U saying this to you. He's just saying it to stop you voicing your opinion and telling him how you feel.

Same here... I stopped doing a load of it and just let the chips fall for 'his' stuff. He ran out of pants, missed several family birthdays, didn't call his parents for months, didn't see them for ages either. In the same vein, I'm snowballing to pay off my personal debt, but I haven't included DH's in that. Up to him if he wants to pay off more than the minimum.

I've got plans to divorce as I just can't be arsed to deal with this for even longer than I already have. I carry the full mental load. It isn't about numbers of tasks, it's me remembering all the tasks, when they're needed, has DH realised it needs doing, should I ask him to do it, has he done it, does it need chasing, should I just do it instead? On my own, I'd just do everything and it would be done.

On the plus side, DH has dropped the ball a few times for the kids and they now organise themselves much better, rather than relying on DH.

Time to go on strike. Its the only way!

Because they wouldn’t get paid/I’d still have to remind him to pay them. I could let him fail, but all that will do is cost me money.