Am I expecting too much from DH?

[Bitmorebroken]

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

Yeah he’s a waste of space. If he lived alone who’d do the housework, cook etc?

I think the trouble is the way he behaves ABOUT it, so defensive and sounds aggressive. It sounds like a sensible conversation isn't even possible because he's not collaborative at all.

I love all the 'sports' these men do. IMO family life is the ultimate team sport, but he's not good at it!

I got as far as 'I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever)' and didn't need to read any further.

I am beginning to think, as suggested by more of you than not, to just cut out doing his stuff for a while and to leave the house for as long as I can in the hope he sees what I do.

My suggestion of a list we both add to and put our names to resulted in “don’t you dare start on me again. Making out I do nothing”.

Which isn’t what I was doing, I was trying to deal with the division of labour problems we clearly have if he has more free time than I do for sport, for family and for his social life.

I think you can work out if it's fair by how much personal time you each have -

I couldn't necessarily write you a list of my jobs vs my DPs jobs but I do know that basically from the time we both get up, to the time we both go to bed we are both working, looking after children or doing chores. Occasionally I go out for a run and he might have the odd hour to himself. It's shit but it's fair and shit. (we have a 1 yo and a 3 yo)

I saw this article shared on X the other day and it really sums up a lot of how I feel. I don’t think my DH is as bad as yours (he doesn’t spend hours on hobbies), but I earn 3 times what he does and carry all the mental load. It is a serious passion killler.

Some time ago I stopped remembering when his family birthdays are (except his mum, I can’t do that to her), and will only do his laundry if he puts it in the laundry basket.

archive.ph/SbMCo

He goes to sleep much later than I do though. So whilst has more social / sports time , he only sleeps 6 hours a night.

I’m just cross and resentful that in addition to working 30 hours a week I’m a full time house wife with what feels like no support. I feel like I can’t do it all. And that it’s pointless talking to DH because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t want to get it. My mind is spinning with everything I have to do every day and it’s too much.

And I am convinced that from his perspective, sitting at his desk / or being in his office even if he doesn’t have to is him avoiding the drudgery of every day.

Genuinely interested to know why you do his laundry?

At the time I didn’t really think about it , I was to ill.

the children were aged 5/7/9 we both worked full time.

i went down with sepsis and was very ill. For a week or so I was struggling to do all my chores etc then it hit and I was in hospital for 3 weeks then went to stay with my father for a week before going home, I was still very weak but gradually got my life back in order

DH will tell people that that was one of the worst times of his life, worrying about me, trying to hold our business together and run the home. It made him realise how much I did.

im not suggesting you make yourself ill !, but maybe, a bad virus, few days in bed ?

Just stop doing anything beyond enough to keep your children alive and for yourself to have what you need

@SlipperyLizard that article 😢
is I expect exactly how he he sees things. Thank you

He definitely doesn’t do his share.

What do you do at the weekend when he’s taking the kids to activities? And when he’s doing bedtime? Not sure when you can’t do something for yourself then.

When do you get to have a social life or personal tine? How long are his 6 PT sessions? I think you need to readdress the balance starting with having equal ME time. You are more than a mother, worker, wife, cook, maid.

I think calling you names or talking about your mental health is out of order. It's very dismissive. I think the way he talks to you is abusive. You are allowed to be dissatisfied and to express that without being called names.

I had a similar issue in my relationship. I think my H only really understood when I told him to fix up or fuck off. Would he attend relationship counselling?

Have you considered divorcing him?

Could you tackle this by carving out some time for yourself? Then he will inevitably have to do more, because you'll be doing less. Would that conversation be easier? It might feel more of a positive conversation vs the negativity of 'you don't do enough'?

Forgot to say, I think he's a lazy, selfish, wanker that priorities himself above all others. That's the problem. You probably put everyone else's needs first and no one is putting your needs first. Your low on your list and his. You can change where you come in his priorities but you can change where you come on your list. Put yourself above him to start.

I've not RTFT so perhaps other Mumsnetters have already said it, but there needs to be a resources based discussion.

Ok, he earns more, but what about time? What about downtime?

From your posts, it sounds like he bring in a larger financial contribution (would this be true if you also worked full time? Do you want to?). However, if there are 8 non-asleep, non-working hours in each day, it sounds like you are spending 6 hours on childcare and 2 hours on housework, whereas he is spening 30 minutes on bins then having 7.5 hours to train. He gets to see his family whereas you don't have time, that's not on.

If you want to actually have the conversation, can you write down an exhaustive list of absolutely everything that needs doing, the tasks, the chores, the mental load (i.e. meal planning, birthday cards) and demonstrate the actual split versus what you both think is a fair split?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jul/05/our-place-is-a-mess-but-my-partner-and-i-still-cant-agree-who-does-which-chores

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/30/my-husband-wont-lift-a-finger-to-help-me-should-i-stay-or-go

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/apr/03/how-can-i-shift-some-of-mental-load-of-family-life-on-to-my-husband

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/20/readers-dividing-household-labour-chores

Have a look at Analisa Barbieri and Philippa Perry on The Guardian, they make better suggestions than me and are far more diplomatic.

It's interesting that you added this, as if you didn't want to be unfair and misrepresent things. But you haven't described your own role in these things - I would be willing to bet that whilst he might book tickets or arrange holiday accommodation, the list of jobs for you relating to these things is probably longer:

Shopping for and making packed lunches if required
Water bottles filled and ready
Children have wellies/waterproofs/other relevant things that fit, at hand
For holidays, shopping for and packing what is needed
Snacks and car entertainment for the journey
Date is then communicated to other relevant people and other things declined as a result

I'm making a bit of an assumption in saying I bet you do the above, but if you do, then again he has done maybe a 15 minute task and you have hours of work related to it, but he thinks 'he arranged the weekend away'. Does this sound right?

What is he physically doing when you’re doing all these tasks? If he is sitting on his phone or whatever, surely he’s aware of that?

He's a lazy arse and what's all this making time for his hobbies and allowing you none?

Yeah that wouldn't fly with me. Going forward I would do this:

1. You both have equal time for hobbies. If that means he drops a night or two of his own then tough luck. If he can't drop them then HE needs to find a babysitter.

2. Chores are divided equally. This is how it works in my house. I will cook and Dh will then do all the washing up (or the other way round etc), one of us will sort all the bins (and that includes all the internal bins) while the other does the laundry and each week we swap over. Dh will drop Ds off at school, I will pick him up etc, etc.

3. Any name calling and diagnosing of non-existent mental health issues stops. Immediately.

4. He has 3 months to change otherwise that's it, it's over.

Stick to it.

Actually laughed at the "daily finances" taking hours. I own a business with employees and looking after the daily finances for that doesn't take hours, let alone my home ones.
You are not being unreasonable at all to suggest working on a list to even things up. That he's taken such (I suspect faux) offence speaks volumes. He's not offended, he just doesn't want to do anything else.
Personally, I'd stop doing so much for him. He can certainly wash his own sports kit after he's used it and wipe down a kitchen side. Taking the bin out is a 2 minute task, it's ridiculous it's on any list as a contribution to household tasks compared to all the laundry and all the cooking and the cleaning 😂.
Time to stop asking and start doing. Go and see your family. Go out. Don't wash his all his sports gear. You don't need permission from him. Prioritise yourself (like he does for himself) and for gods sake, stop buying bloody presents for his family on his behalf. He can do that. It's NOT your job. I'm sure he's not giving you the credit for doing so to his family.

I don’t always, but it is generally easier if I do as I can then fit it around the rest of the family’s laundry. He does do a decent amount around the house, we have a massive garden that I have no interest in maintaining, for instance. I wouldn’t say he does 50%, but more than 40% of household chores.

The laundry is the easy bit, what I want is for him to know what the girls are doing & when/when bills need paying/ car insurance renewal/school dinner money/council tax etc. It is the mental load that exhausts me, not the laundry.

My husband works full-time - 3 days WFH and 2 days in the office. He does all the finances, cooks at the weekend, vacuums, the gardening, some DIY (it's not his thing!), cleans both cars, helps with the shopping, buys Christmas/Birthday presents and will do other things if I ask. I only work 2 hours per day so I do the rest of the household chores. Your husband in the grand scheme of things doesn't do that much to help, compared to you, who still works 4 days per week. I don't think you're being unreasonable!

Why don’t you just write a list of all the bills he’s in charge of and leave him to it?

You are all so kind and being so supportive with suggestions and articles to read / to encourage him to read. Thank you esp @holrosea - reading those now.

@Wigglywoowho when he’s taking one child to activities I’m home doing something with the other one. It’s not time off so I do need to prioritise my own time.

It’s hard though isn’t it, when the to do list never ends.

@Deliaskis 100per cent. This. I always pack for everything, make snacks, packed lunches, activity bags etc sort everything they need - all of it. It’s the same for holidays (not that we go away much). All the packing, unpacking. But because he’s made the booking - he planned the day out.

I think I’m just so tired of the never endingness of it all and feeling exhausted every night.

I don’t job hours flexibility so I work 8-4 then start house / kids stuff.

He doesn’t so he can exercise in the day, has some freedom to see his mum and dad then he makes up his hours at night which annoys me. Because I feel at night he should be doing more to help me.

For clarity, my part time only means I don’t work one day a week but the rest of the week is virtually a full day every day - straight from which I collect kids.

@StrawberryWater - it’s number 3 on your list that sets me spiralling. I start to think it’s all in my head and I’m being unreasonable and maybe I am crazy and he does enough. Why I posted in the first place :( your suggestions are spot on. Thank you.

Iwould sit down and work out what exactly you do vs him, and put times against it, add on your and his working hours and get a total

Then I would do the same for leisure, so add up all his leisure activity and family visits etc vs yours

then share with him to show how unfair it is, and that you are entitled to time off as well. So that will be either him picking up more, or you dropping stuff such as his washing, presents etc for his family, he can sort their birthday and Christmas cards etc, and any other stuff he feels you should do for him.

start to book your own time at the gym or whatever and leave him to deal with the kids, get tea etc