Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Am I expecting too much from DH?

136 replies

Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 15:11

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

OP posts:

Blackbeatles · 04/12/2024 15:55

BearOnABlanket · 04/12/2024 13:01

How many birthday parties does she have to plan per year? How many birthday gifts does she need to buy? How many doctors appointments in a year?

Lets think about that. I can't see how many kids, lets say 2. Lets also assume that they each have one sibling, 2 parents each, and the siblings also have a couple of kids each (personally I have more family than that, but it's not an unreasonable assumption) - so 14 birthday gifts. Then non-family birthdays - 30 kids in a class, invited to say 5 parties per child (more if younger, fewer when older in my experience), so another 10 presents there for 2/month. Plus cards, wrapping, arranging dropoff etc. It's not daily, but it's not insignificant - and we haven't even mentioned Christmas when she does most of it all over again.

Dentist for everyone twice a year, so that's another medical appointment per month - even if everyone's perfectly healthy

Gardening and DIY similarly not daily, but not insignificant either - nor Uniform and clothes shopping (takes me at least a day once a year - plus top-ups when things are lost/ruined/grown out of)

Playdates - depends how social her kids are - could be every week.

School admin - I have something I have to respond to or provide most weeks, plus I support the kids in their homework, buy revision books for exams, music lessons etc.

Then all the cleaning and washing, packing school bags/making sure things are clean - that is daily (I try to do it only once a week so I'm not frantic in the mornings, but often don't manage it)

She's overworked in comparison - it's more than 1 working day/week's work.

My eldest does Rugby, and keeping up with the kit washing alone is 2 nasty loads a week. When I split with ex, I was shocked at how much less washing there was alone - how long the kitchen stayed clean in comparison, how much less I had to buy in the shop (at least until my eldest became a teenager)

Yes, you have to do it all alone, yes, it's relentless, but when your partner is a drag rather than a help, the lightness makes up for it.

Edited

This is the most ridiculous thing I have read on Mumsnet.

Teacherprebaby · 04/12/2024 16:37

Bitmorebroken · 04/12/2024 12:54

There’s a lot to reply to, sorry, it’s tricky at work.

It’s hard to hear that I need to organise myself better, I’m not sure how much more I can organised I can be. I also think that the odd person who has suggested that because I have 5 extra hours than him on my non working day that I should be able to do everything and not expect him to lift a finger. Yes on that day I should cook and clean and do school runs , but the other 4 working days, he should be doing more.

I do think it’s about priorities though and not so much looking at the hours spent on jobs we are doing but the hours of free time each of us has.

I’ve was thinking so much about leaving things that aren’t for me to him like some have suggested - his laundry, his food, his plates by the sink etc. But the only person who will be suffering there is me, I’ll have to walk past all the stuff he hasn’t done. And I think this would make me more cross.

I sent him some of the articles and had a conversation / argument about free time. But I didn’t bring it up at the right time. I’ll try again later this evening.

What’s on my mind the most though, is those of you saying that his attitude / language would lead you to leave. You’re right that he isn’t receptive to change or to see how hard I find things without turning it into a “competition” where it’s always tougher for him. And in any argument he always tells me how lucky I’ve got it, how any woman would be lucky to have him, how my life is so easy etc etc.

I am starting to think nothing will change though. He won’t change and, it seems from most people’s view, I’m not being unreasonable to expect him to do more around the house / with the children. 😢

What? He has actually said that any woman would be lucky to have him?! What a manipulative fucker.

BearOnABlanket · 04/12/2024 17:17

This is the most ridiculous thing I have read on Mumsnet.

Which bit of it? The estimates? The amount of time it takes?

I didn't even include shopping for new TV/Electricity/Whatever deals, doing tax returns, organising servicing of all the bits and bobs that need it, septic tank, well, boiler etc. There's something I have to be doing every week at least.

I spend a lot more than 5 hours a week on 'life admin' and I'm both lazy, and automate as much as I can.

Dimpliy · 04/12/2024 17:46

The daily grind of cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and clothes is relentless. And you work
out of the home too. A few hours less than him a week doesn’t mean you have lots of time.

He isn’t even wipe a surface. He sees you as a servant, OP.

Wordau · 04/12/2024 17:48

Could you go away for a week? I think that's the only way he's realise how much you're doing.

If not I'd have a marriage counselling session or three to talk about this with a neutral third party.

He sounds like a selfish prick.

stayathomer · 04/12/2024 17:52

I don’t think your dh does that much- car admin? Is that even a few hours a year? I don’t know on the housework- surely a house runs smoother if two help?! (Dh doesn’t do this either!)

LetGoLetThem1234 · 04/12/2024 18:24

By his actions and words you should understand @Bitmorebroken that your husband is perfectly happy with you doing the majority of the housework and he doesn't care enough about your wellbeing to want to change.

You will this argue back and forth, for years. Even decades. But as long as you remain in the house (doing everything to enable his easy life) he is not going to change.

He's the entitled one. And, he knows it.

He really isn't very nice to you at all.

The issue is: how much longer are you going to try and force/convince/persuade someone who's very happy with the current set up, thank you very much?

ChiliFiend · 04/12/2024 21:54

My husband and I both work full time. He earns more than me but works from home 100% whereas I commute 2-4 days per week. He carries the mental load in relation to the house and our three children. He would never dream of saying that because he earns more that I should do more of the housework. Your husband doesn't give you the respect or recognition you deserve for everything you're doing at home, and he's ignoring you when you're telling him you're tired. Where is the love here?

FlyingPandas · 04/12/2024 22:21

@Bitmorebroken reading your posts it's not so much the division of tasks that stands out, as your DH's comments and attitude.

I'll be absolutely honest, the task split in our house is not that dissimilar to what you outline in your OP. I do the vast vast majority of it. I don't necessarily think that's right, but it's what works for us. BUT to put that in context I work 20 hours a week and do a job that isn't massively taxing. Whereas DH works 60 hours plus most weeks in a stressful job. Usually on the 6:45am train to London, rarely home before 8pm, then quite often on conference calls till 11 or later. So our task split seems fair to me.

But even the task split is not really the point, tbh. What screams out at me is your DH's treatment of you. The things he says. The derisive way he behaves towards you. The nasty comments and the argumentative approach and the lack of respect and kindness.

I've been married over 20 years and been either a SAHM or PT worker since our DC were born. DH's earnings always outstripped mine even from the pre DC days (we're educated and qualified to a similar level, but he works in a career field and industry that is far more highly paid than mine). And yet he has never once felt the need to inform me that I'm entitled, or that I'm lucky to have him, or that my life is easy, or that I'm crazy and mental. He might not really truly realise how much I do to facilitate the running of our lives but I know for a fact that he values the contribution I make, is grateful that he doesn't have to do a lot of the shite because I do it, and realises that he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do. I know this for a fact because he tells me so.

The fact that your DH seems to think it's acceptable to say the things he does is the most major red flag to me here.

mrlistersgelfbride · 04/12/2024 22:22

My first thought honestly was it sounds like my partner, except yours does a fair bit more.

Car admin struck a chord. My neighbour had to help me put Ad blue in the car once as 'D'P wouldn't even help me lift the spare tyre out for a minute .

It's shit. I'm not sure what the answer is.
People also tell me to go on strike but the mess would be worse.
Would it really be so bad to lay it out on the line for him?

LondonLawyer · 04/12/2024 23:22

Pumpkincozynights · 04/12/2024 08:02

I think the ops post sums up why most relationships break down. Her dh does not respect her, yet I guarentee that if she took on a full time job which paid more than he gets paid, and meant her working more hours than him he would also moan about that.
Judging from posters on here and the couples I know well the only relationships that work involve either:
No children. The women I know have good careers and their dh does as much as they do. However there is no emotional blackmail regarding children. If the man doesn't pull his weight then he knows he is a gonna.
Woman working very little hours, often retiring very early. Of all the couples I know who seam happy and have DCs, I can’t think of one where the woman works full time. Most hardly work at all so they do the vast majority of housework.
Thinking about my work colleagues, all the female bosses without any exception rely heavily on their parents- well their mother to be exact. Every single one of them uses their mother for childcare at some time or other and every single one of them has a husband.
Quite depressing really.
Apart from this I know lots of women who upped and left their lazy bastard of a husband and not one of them regrets it.

Honestly, no. DH and I both work full-time in demanding careers, and both take responsibility for the children.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread