Am I expecting too much from DH?

[Bitmorebroken]

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

He won’t change unless he has no choice. He clearly doesn’t care about the burden on you or
about equality.

No, it's vastly unfair. He knows it and that's why he's shutting it down so vehemently (the way he spoke to you is appalling and I'd be getting ducks in a row purely on that basis). Zawn writes brilliantly about domestic inequality, it's worth exploring some of her articles to see which are free (some are): https://zawn.substack.com/p/what-happens-when-women-demand-household.

I'd say there's no point in talking to him, trying to make him understand, writing lists. You need to take free time for yourself. Start doing the bare minimum especially where it affects him and not the DC. No gardening or DIY. Take time to see your family etc rather than doing housework. Try and streamline Christmas, meals etc.

Stop doing any and everything that you do for him.

Or write it down and tell him what you do and have an adult conversation.

Ask him to do the same, show you what he does.

I honestly think 90% of women would be better off without men if they had access to sperm donation.

Living in women's communes would be far more enjoyable, nurturing and efficient.

The older I get (I'm only 40 😂) the more I think men are entirely unnecessary apart from for sex and reproduction. Women are better at most things in life without men getting in the way/making a mess.

I say this as a straight woman, apart from being nice to look at or shag occasionally they don't benefit us much.

When does he do all his sporting activities and visiting his family? And who looks after the children while all this is going on?

@Eviebeans in the day when kids are at school and when I’m working mostly, but also 2 nights a week and on the weekend (very early though when it’s the weekend it this annoys me too as it’s both weekend mornings so I don’t get a lie in as I have to get up with the kids while he’s out). He does it then so it doesn’t take up the weekend but I still feel he’s getting both weekend mornings for himself. I know that’s my own resentment as I wouldn’t exercise at 7am but it still means I have to get up both mornings as opposed to getting one morning to myself - even if exercise isn’t what I would choose to do.

@YimYum absolutely. I worry how much I think like this at times and how I’ll just take the kids and walk out the door one day. I swear it would be easier.

Yes, better of without this man.

Exactly this!! Why on earth are you doing it? Don't even say you're not doing it, just stop. I'm embarrassed for him that he would expect you to do these things for him like he's an additional child.

Yes stop doing stuff for him. He's selfish twat. You're not his maid. He can do his own washing and cooking and sort stuff out for his family.

Yep… why the hell would you stay with anyone who calls you names like this?

Then do it.

I'm starting to think the same.

You can. I find these situations frustrating - he’s being unreasonable but you are making a choice to stay. Things are still very unfair for women - but we do live in a society where you can leave. Up to you. You don’t get any life brownie points for martyring yourself.

Omg wasn't expecting positive responses to that. 😂

A commune then? North west might be a good shout financially. I'm up for fire jumping but obvs would be optional.

Commune in the north west is a bit bloody parky for kneeling on the ground chanting in my birthday suit...

I'm not going to deny, it was the beginning of the end for me, but I stopped doing his washing, I stopped packing for him if we went away, I stopped organising his car stuff, stopped reminding him it was time to put the kids to bed or when his family's birthdays were. If it wasn't to the advantage of me or the kids, then I left it to him. I also started going on a walk alone every day, and using the phrase 'I don't know' a lot more rather than be his voice activated Google.

TBH, running house and kids and job was so full on that it only made a small dent, but it did make me feel less of a mug.

Because it's not fair. But these selfish fuckers rarely change, and you can wear yourself down to nothing trying to be hyper-reasonable and they'll just take advantage of it.

If he’s got it right, and the division of labour is completely equitable … offer to swap with him

you do his, he does yours

It doesn’t sound best, but could you drop a bit of what you’re doing, you probably have v different expectations. Clean less often, have a pizza night instead of cooking, join a drinking/book club and get out of the daily grind. If you’re not there he’ll work it out. Or it can wait. Let some of the housework and diy go - sounds like the kids are small, you will find they need less of your time as they get older.

There are so many big issues here (his attitude, laziness, name-calling)... If some bloke called me those things, it would be the very last thing he said to me in the relationship!

I have to agree with posters saying stop doing certain things. Top of the list is stop buying any presents for his family. Stop buying and writing cards too. Then stop doing his laundry.
As for taking out the bins, how is this even a job? I mean fair enough if you live in the Hundred Acre Wood I suppose but come on, wheeling a bin 20 yards down a drive! Hardly equates to planning, preparing, and cooking a meal.

Honestly a spreadsheet with your leisure time versus his...

It’s the grind that gets you down. Can you explain that to him and get him to swap one of his jobs for one of yours? (You do “bins” and he does “laundry” - or just his own laundry?)

And make sure his regular jobs include the full job. So school drop off involves getting all the bags ready, remembering what clothes they need that day, checking homework is in bag, etc etc. not just putting them in the car and driving it to school.

If he won’t listen and he doesn’t care how it makes you feel, the only way you’ll even it out is by stealth. You may want to think if you want to live with someone who’s pushed you to that.

Brava 👏

I don't think there can ever be a 50/50 split, some jobs dont compare to others, mental load isn't measurable, what takes one person 10 minutes could take another person an hour. Maybe instead of approaching it as though he isn't doing as much as you just say you are struggling and need him to take on more. Let him know you are at breaking point and can't sustain everything you are doing.

He should step up now and make an effort or I would start working on a new life without him around. I am not a maid.