He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

when you do finally get inside that house - Don’t go down the fruit cellar!

I've had giggly norman bates vibes going on reading this!

We think alike as that is exactly what i have done.

so you have had that conversation- about being together forever?

If so, where is his D going to live?
Where are you as a couple going to live?

Or- as some older couples do- are you going to Be Together but Living Apart.

That means taking it in turns at each other's homes.

I've seen it before, yes. Not saying he needs to tolerate it, but it happens. Have a relative who's not even a pushover who paid to get his adult child an expensive place in order to get them out of the home. They worked, had my issues and problems managing money.

You need to be blunt.

Say, 'Look, I really care about you and hoped we'd have some long term future . But I'm hurt/puzzled/upset/ [choose one] why I can't see inside your home.
I understand if your DD finds it hard to see you with another woman and so far hasn't moved out. But she could rent.
Unless you meet me halfway on this - you're living at my house 5 days a week- then there is no future because it feels very unbalanced.'

He actually already paid towards a house for dd1 and her family purely to get them out.

The abusive relationship theory doesn’t hold water as he’s out of the house five nights a week. If he was trapped she would be insisting he come home every night, and he would do it.

I’m usually one of the first to say that the kids come first, but FGS this is a 35 year old woman. she’s not a child, she’s old enough to have a husband and children of her own, and I don’t imagine that she’d be seeking his approval if she wanted to date someone.

While after only six months it could be argued that you might not have expected to go into his house yet, the fact that he comes to yours, stays five nights a week, and says a blatant no to you going to his is a major red flag.

And honestly, if the daughter and he are that co dependent, then that’s not a relationship you want to be a part of.

Just after her mother died?! It was 10 years ago!

I disagree. She might like it when he's out as she has the run of the place. She's there for the free housing and bills. He's not a romantic partner she's trying to trap at home. If the relationship is resentful, they won't want the other around.

Thank you. Am getting a lot of comments saying i'm rushing or pushy but it's not me doing the pushing. All i want is a level playing field 50/50. I think if anything daughter is needy as he has non-stop calls from her wanting things while she's using his place as a hangout with all bills paid!

How do you know about all this money he's shelling out on his daughter? And that she pays nothing? Is this all coming from him? Because I would strongly suspect that while she might not be paying her way, he might be using this 'I have to pay for EVERYTHING' angle as a way to get you to feel sorry for him and not ask him for money for anything. Because he's either wetter than a pre-washed lettuce (not asking his GROWN UP daughter for a penny towards the bills? Yeah, right) or he's got his money and he is hanging on to it and letting you pay out for everything.

@cantarguewithfools "I don’t think the dad should be kicking the daughter out of her lifelong home just after her mother died for some blown-in he’s dating!"

No, neither do I. But I do think the daughter is staying living at home because it costs her nothing because her father is paying for her to live her life. I don't think she - as an adult - should have any say over his private or personal life and I'd put money on him having no say over what she does and who visits her in her home. So why does the reverse not work. If she was still a child and the mother had only just passed then yes, delicate ground to tread but no, the daughter is behaving like a spoiled princess and the father needs to grow a pair and set some boundaries.

Whether or not the OP and this man stay together, HE is getting walked all over by his daughter, regardless of their mother passing.

He is not free to have a future with you OP he doesn’t mind staying out but no one is getting their feet under his table. He is happy with the dynamics of living with his co dependent daughter so he is not lonely when he’s at home and he has the freedom to date and stay at yours. She rings him non stop when he’s at yours so he might as well be married

Thank you, this is exactly it. Unfortunately i can see it turning into me funding him because he's funding her if i'm not already! 🤔
It's a case of being too nice. I have explained all of this to him gently but firmly

Tell him something has come up and he can't come over tonight. His reaction will be v v interesting. If he wants to come to stay while you are not there GIANT red flag and would assume he actually has no place to stay that night

@Swimminglikeaswan What was his response?

@Swimminglikeaswan you don’t need to do anything at this point. For a start, if he really wants to sort things woth his DR, he needs to deal with his DD whether or not you are on the scene. I would cut back on time at yours. I would get him to talk about his DD. Why is she not paying her keep/bills share etc? Don’t base it on anything to do with you relationship. Let him outline what he wants DD to be doing in 6 months/a year and so on. Maybe he should sell up and just say to DD he wants his OWN place. You carry on as you are - 6 months is no time. Meanwhile, stay less at yours and more somewhere else. But, he definitely needs to tell you what happens Mon and Thu and he needs to invite you for dinner (do not stay over - play the long game - remain ‘not a cause’ of whatever plans he says he has for DD’s progression into adulthood’ 😬

My tuppence worth, it doesn't really matter if he's being controlled, tight, weird, shrine to late wife, whatever mystery is behind this is inconsequential. What he is showing you loud and clear is how he deals with things. He is secretive, stonewalling and refusing to deal with something that may be uncomfortable, no happy relationship is ever had with someone that deals with life in this way. If he's parked in your home five nights a week when do you get to enjoy friendships or family relationships without him plonked right in the middle of it. I would start tonight by messaging it doesn't suit to have him over but you're free next week sometime. Enjoy some time in your home free of him so you can think clearly on what you want going forward, time for a reset.

This relationship has no future, the way you talk about his daughter it really bad. He’s not going to get rid of her for you and the more abuse you hurl her way the more it will end this relationship.

She hasn't been hurling abuse

Those are his nights with his other girlfriend.

Has anyone in his family dropped any hints re. the lack of entry into his home? It's very odd not to have been invited in, and be a part of his environment.

Nick his keys and have good mooch around, (joking, of course)

I think you're right to take a break.

I am sitting back because he wants to be with me so achieving that is for him to sort. Frankly i think she will stay until he dies as she thinks everything she sees is hers by right, the house included. I have raised two children. I'm not babying a 35 year old that's his issue

Said this a few pages ago. OP either missed it, or doesn't want to do it

I didn't respond as i explained in original post that i am taking a break from him to consider all of this. I think it's been overlooked in my waffling