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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 04/12/2024 13:48

On reflection, if the sex is good I’d just keep him for that. Sod family outings with weird DD, or venturing into the Bluebeard cupboard!

I’m 55 and it’s increasingly hard (😳) to find this as men get older

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:56

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 13:32

If decent men, decent men that we fancy, no less, were a dime a dozen when we are in our 50’s I would unreservedly agree with you.

Are they?

The choices are often a) lovely men we aren’t remotely sexually attracted to, b) lovely men with unpalatable baggage of some kind c) d*#&heads .

My sole point here : discarding a man in your early 20’s, because one aspect isn’t right, and discarding a man in your 50’s isn’t the same thing. The former plentiful fish in the sea have shrunk to a few lonely fishes in a pond.

I get that but i have standards. If i am treating someone well i expect the same in return. Have looked after him for six months. Am six days post-op and he hasn't even checked i'm alive!

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:59

TriangleLight · 04/12/2024 13:48

On reflection, if the sex is good I’d just keep him for that. Sod family outings with weird DD, or venturing into the Bluebeard cupboard!

I’m 55 and it’s increasingly hard (😳) to find this as men get older

The sex is good but i take over and get what i want so......... 🤣

OP posts:
SpryCat · 04/12/2024 14:05

OP has had an operation, looked after her dad and hasn’t had even a knock on the door to offer support or had a card/flowers sent to her and realised it’s all one sided and too many questions unanswered and would rather be single and happy. Age doesn’t come into it, you should never lower your standards and allow someone cagey into your life just because the fish in the sea look scarce @Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 14:06

SpryCat · 04/12/2024 14:05

OP has had an operation, looked after her dad and hasn’t had even a knock on the door to offer support or had a card/flowers sent to her and realised it’s all one sided and too many questions unanswered and would rather be single and happy. Age doesn’t come into it, you should never lower your standards and allow someone cagey into your life just because the fish in the sea look scarce @Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment

100%. If i was going to settle for half-assed i could have done that years ago! X

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 14:08

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 13:32

If decent men, decent men that we fancy, no less, were a dime a dozen when we are in our 50’s I would unreservedly agree with you.

Are they?

The choices are often a) lovely men we aren’t remotely sexually attracted to, b) lovely men with unpalatable baggage of some kind c) d*#&heads .

My sole point here : discarding a man in your early 20’s, because one aspect isn’t right, and discarding a man in your 50’s isn’t the same thing. The former plentiful fish in the sea have shrunk to a few lonely fishes in a pond.

I'd rather swim alone than accept a half ass of a man because I can't find anything better in the depleted pool....

MarkingBad · 04/12/2024 14:21

MounjaroUser · 04/12/2024 12:37

I just can't see why you don't take this further and find out what's really going on.

To satisfy the curiosity of other people?

Not everyone wants to play detective, it often just brings up more questions rather than answer anything.

A relative of mine died last year whose life was a mystery, he lied his face off about everything that ever happened in his life. We discovered the truth about a few things but so many more mysteries cropped up just from having to go through his personal papers for probate.

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 14:28

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:56

I get that but i have standards. If i am treating someone well i expect the same in return. Have looked after him for six months. Am six days post-op and he hasn't even checked i'm alive!

That is not good. So sorry, Swimminglikeaswan.

Most likely the reason for it isn’t total lack of care & interest. Probably due to being usure what your reaction to his contacting you would be. For all we know he is biting his fingernails to the quick, agonising over how to best reach out to you. Men are weird that way. And often supremely cowardly.

The pivotal point is - you’ve come to a conclusion and the man, however lovely in many respects, isn’t the right one for you. Who wants a pleasant coward - too cowardly to let you through his door, too afraid to send a text?!

Wishing you a swift & full recovery ( from medical procedure AND a bruised heart )

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 14:46

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 14:08

I'd rather swim alone than accept a half ass of a man because I can't find anything better in the depleted pool....

I fully respect that.

But….by her own words…..the OP was very smitten by this guy. Aside from the no-house-entry oddity, she said he was great. Sex was great, personality was great, they got along marvellously.

My WHOLE point was : should we, especially at a certain age, make any compromises when not EVERYTHING is great? I’m cool with “absolutely not”….but then neither you nor I are in love with the guy and have great sex with him 😀😀

Honestly? I have high standards, too but I’m also a realist. I’d keep him as a “friend with benefits” pal. BECAUSE desirable, unattached men in that age group ARE rarer than hens teeth.

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 15:33

Middlemarch123 · 04/12/2024 11:04

As my dear old boss wisely said, You can polish a turd, you can even stick glitter on it, but a turd is still a turd “ Focus on your recovery and take care x

Stealing this!

Manypaws · 04/12/2024 15:50

The not letting her into his home is a major thing to compromise on, it's secretive.

If someone can be secretive about one thing then they can be secretive about other things

There is a part of his life , a huge part, that he doesn't want to show her, that would make me very uncomfortable

He is also very uncompromising, the set nights are to suit HIM, again with no real explanation as to why

OP has told him why she has doubts, had he done anything to ease house doubts? No

Has he called her to make sure she is okay post op? No

Too many compromises there for me

ForeveronMN · 04/12/2024 16:42

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:56

I get that but i have standards. If i am treating someone well i expect the same in return. Have looked after him for six months. Am six days post-op and he hasn't even checked i'm alive!

I missed that @Swimminglikeaswan - I thought your previous post said he'd stayed with you for 2 days after your op. Assume you mean since he elft after those 2 days?

Not good enough!

He drove me to and from op and stayed for a couple of days. The first and only time the Thursday-night rule was ever broken

TwistedWonder · 04/12/2024 16:58

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2024 14:08

I'd rather swim alone than accept a half ass of a man because I can't find anything better in the depleted pool....

Totally agree. I’ve been single 5 years now and I’d rather stay that way forever than compromise to end up with a half arsed bloke with more baggage than Gatwick.

Plastictrees · 04/12/2024 16:59

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:56

I get that but i have standards. If i am treating someone well i expect the same in return. Have looked after him for six months. Am six days post-op and he hasn't even checked i'm alive!

You’re brilliant OP, glad to ‘see’ someone on here with good self esteem and decent standards. He’s a toad for not even checking in on you. Onwards and upwards!

Dollybantree · 04/12/2024 17:13

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 13:56

I get that but i have standards. If i am treating someone well i expect the same in return. Have looked after him for six months. Am six days post-op and he hasn't even checked i'm alive!

That's even more of a red flag than the non admittance to the house imo.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them as the old MN adage goes!

Hope you're feeling ok after your op and recover quickly OP 💐

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 17:44

ForeveronMN · 04/12/2024 16:42

I missed that @Swimminglikeaswan - I thought your previous post said he'd stayed with you for 2 days after your op. Assume you mean since he elft after those 2 days?

Not good enough!

He drove me to and from op and stayed for a couple of days. The first and only time the Thursday-night rule was ever broken

Edited

Yes you're right X

OP posts:
Calliekins · 04/12/2024 18:10

I wonder how long ago this gentleman lost his wife. Grief is hard and there's no time limit. Maybe he feels he wants to meet a nice lady and start a relationship but maybe he's not ready to have another lady just yet in the family home. I mean it is hard to speculate not knowing the person but he sounds a decent guy so I'd be surprised if he's "using" you. There is also maybe he is thinking of his daughter too, appreciate she's an adult but could it be he doesn't want to hurt her by having you stay in the family home?

Sennelier1 · 04/12/2024 18:20

I think he spends most of his time at your place because of his daughter. I can imagine a father being sick and tired of álways having an adult child living with him. It's not natural. Imagine he invites you to his place for a meal, a cosy evening, maybe a night together......and this adult daughter sits with you all the time?

Isabellivi · 04/12/2024 18:23

First I don’t think it’s your business what his daughter contributes unless he has been venting and complaint to you about it.

It is very possible he is embarrassed of the house- perhaps the daughter and he are hoarders but keep the outside looking nice.

it is very possible he is wary of a gold digger wanting to swoop in and take the house that he and his wife raised a family in - which rightfully belongs to his daughter

i totally understand you wanting a break since it would feel like you are being kept out of a part of his life. But it’s been 6 months and he may just be taking things slowly to PROTECT HIMSELF. I can understand this and maybe he’s romantic and doesn’t want to spell out why he wants to take things slowly.

You should focus on the positives and instead of being pushy into his daughter’s home (because it is more hers than yours) you should ask him to host at a luxury hotel. For a change.

Isabellivi · 04/12/2024 18:33

I agree. I am sorry he didn’t call post op but I wouldn’t discard someone great over this. My boyfriend probably has a personality disorder but the chances of finding someone with all of his positive qualities are zero even in my 20s. You really have to focus on the positive. And sexual chemistry and compatibility with someone who cares about you and is a responsible, decent person.

We all have our baggage but are we in our 50s in mumsnet? Maybe that’s why I don’t relate to a lot of posts in here… besides the Britishness we are different generations

Toptops · 04/12/2024 18:36

He sounds creepy

Isabellivi · 04/12/2024 18:38

lol you are right since that is hard to find at any age (at least for me). As they say “Perfect is the enemy of the good” and it sounds like she could be sabotaging an otherwise wonderful relationship by focusing and demanding too much in an area that he’s not ready for…. He is still deciding if he wants to move the relationship forward. ande she could be pushing him away instead of letting him take the lead.

Jack80 · 04/12/2024 18:43

If his daughter comes to your house with him maybe when you pick them up for an family, event mention to them both about you visiting their home or speak to her separate.

Lighteningstrikes · 04/12/2024 18:44

You've done the right thing not to get further embroiled in this very odd one-sided situation.

The final nail in the coffin for me would be not checking up on you 6 days after your operation. I think this speaks volumes about him.

AyrshireTryer · 04/12/2024 18:49

Look through the windows when he is out.

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