He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

Hi!
Am doing ok thanks, had endometrial ablation with complications on Thurs, then couldn't rest as my father was admitted friday night so was in nurse mode for two days. Now trying to recover a bit.
I have been to his parents home, grandkids football matches, a wedding reception, and all four grandsons birthday partys with his family and inlaws. Dd works so unless wife is in an institution somewhere and he visits these evenings, she's dead as he says.
He's only mentioned one girlfriend who apparently wanted him to sell up so he could take her on more holidays. MEN! 😡🤬
I now smell 🐃💩 and think this suggests that she was maybe put in the same position and thought things would only change if the house situation was dealt with. In any case NOT MY PROBLEM. They'll rot together!

Have you been reading Jane Eyre?

This ex-wife will be dancing on the burning roof of their house next😂

Nothing would surprise me at this point! 🤣

Was trying not to say freaky but you've hit the nail on the head!

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind OP, so good for you. I think he will get in touch, but is currently hoping you’ll make the first move. He will want it all swept under the carpet, and to return to the perfect setup he had manoeuvred. That’s not going to happen, because you’re done with that crap. I would still want answers though, just so I could move on. If he does want to meet, insist that he tells you, dig your heels in, and don’t let up until you’re satisfied. No more bs. You sound so lovely, and deserve so much more than this, but you know that anyway.

Not recently. 😂

But Bertha Mason was mentioned earlier in this thread.

Seriously, there are couples who do have an 'arrangement' because of ill health of one of them. It's not unheard of.

Sorry OP, I came to the thread late, you've had good advice and I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already but this response is hilarious!
Although, I had 3 large glasses of Sauv last night and I STILL managed to read the thread correctly😂

I appreciate your update. Sorry you have a lot on your plate.

So, it's got to be a rat-infested house or a weird hobby that he is hiding.

Or an over-bearing daughter who has banned him from even allowing a 'date' to use the loo.

Late to the thread but you do sound lovely @Swimminglikeaswan and I wish you happiness

Thank you so much, you've all been so lovely that it's made me well up more than once.
Am absolutely smitten with him, and of he felt the way he says he does, he'd be treating me a lot better. Have thought which conditions i would make going forward but am not going to waste my time basically "trying to poilish a turd"!

As my dear old boss wisely said, You can polish a turd, you can even stick glitter on it, but a turd is still a turd “ Focus on your recovery and take care x

My friend said "you can roll it in glitter but it will still stink".
IT STINKS! 🤣

You do sound lovely and I hope you recover well.

Men can say one thing but have a complete set of other ideas peculating in the background.

5 nights a week is extraordinary after 6 months.
He is far too comfortable.

Whatever his plans are, they certainly are about his comfort first.

I would shut that hotel accommodation you have been offering down.
Far too convenient for him.

Mind yourself.

Whatever his plans are, they certainly are about his comfort first.

Agree and this even comes through with his DD. He clearly doesnt do boundaries or standards when it comes to his DD ... not because he chooses to indulge her but because he doesnt want to put himself in emotional discomfort - but he is comfortable tramping on your boundaries (staying at your home 100% of your RS) as well as throwing you under the bus (shutting you out to keep his DD 'happy') all to keep himself unruffled. He's actually very selfish ... he doesnt even really care about his DD because if he did he would be encouraging her to be socially appropriate and independent - what consumes him to most is avoiding confrontation, doing the right thing. His love bombing / future faking is false and inauthentic IMHO. He's not as 'nice' as he portrays.

But none of this excuses his complete refusal to let the OP even enter his house.

They drive the daughter places so it's not like she doesn't know.

If you told him that sex is off the table at your house, I wonder how long it would be before you were allowed in his!

Have you asked the daughter who you get on with, why he may be reluctant to let you in?

My guess is he or the DD feel a betrayal towards the dead wife by letting you in.

It is strange. They both sound very strange

Even though you have ended things with him you would think he could still check in and see if you needed anything considering you have just gone through surgery

You'd think so as we haven't fallen out, i have told him my concerns and taken a break. I think there are two kinds of people and he's not mine. Now the shoe is on the other foot and i need looking after.............

I just can't see why you don't take this further and find out what's really going on.

Thank you.
My decisions made so i don't need to. It's toxic and i'm not attatching my energy to it!

Why give it any more headspace? It’s a waste of time and energy - better to just wave him goodbye and move on.

Right?!

The fact that he happily takes OP to HIS assorted family gatherings indicates that he is invested in and commited to this relationship. Aside from the VERY peculiar “no house visits permitted” situation….nothing the OP has mentioned describes her boyfriend as anything other than as a deeply in love, decent guy.

Although…we all assume that HIS house, is solely HIS house. Maybe the dead wife left her share of the house to her 2 daughters ? In which case it is, literally, their house, too. Setting boundaries for his tricky daughter, then, isn’t as easy as saying “Kindly behave respectfully towards my partner or please leave”. If she co-owns the house, only thing he can do to avoid stress and unpleasantness is to go to OP’s house.

Which he has done.

What he SHOULD have done, of course, is to take a deep breath at some point and say to the OP ( especially after she dropped several hints ) : “ This isn’t an easy topic for me to discuss, but the ACTUAL reason I can’t invite you over are xyz”. And then let the dice fall where they may. OP may have accepted his explanation or she may not have. But at least its honest and the actions of a grown man capable of holding a difficult conversation.

Not some perpetual, evasive waffle about the state of the decor, etc.

Although…..I am quite enamoured by the proposed theory of a weird hobby ! 😀 Like keeping 20 cobras as pets …..or all the walls being covered in completed jigsaws…or a vast collection of old toothbrushes or some such. Intriguing.

OP, you simply MUST gain entry via any means to lift the secret ! 20 pet cobras!! 😜

Good woman.
Can be hosted 5 nights a week by OP, but can't be arsed to check on her when she is unwell.
Not nice, not kind.
How a man treats you when unwell is hugely important.

If decent men, decent men that we fancy, no less, were a dime a dozen when we are in our 50’s I would unreservedly agree with you.

Are they?

The choices are often a) lovely men we aren’t remotely sexually attracted to, b) lovely men with unpalatable baggage of some kind c) d*#&heads .

My sole point here : discarding a man in your early 20’s, because one aspect isn’t right, and discarding a man in your 50’s isn’t the same thing. The former plentiful fish in the sea have shrunk to a few lonely fishes in a pond.

Im nearly 60 and single so I know the pool of men out there is shallower than a puddle but I don’t think that wasting headspace on men with baggage is a price we have to pay. I’d rather be single than deal with this sort of nonsense.
The OP has more patience than me. I’d have knocked this on the head long before 6 months.