Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

@Notchangingnameagain

Ah, so women can't also defend themselves or get assertive now as they are coming across as aggressive.

Riiiiight..

Sorry you don't feel like you can't, but I'll always defend myself, like many others have also defended me on this thread.

Can you please show me some examples where I've shown 'aggression?'

As a supposed-to-be hearing aid user, I normally jump to the defence of the person with hearing limitations. I don't wear my hearing aid as I find it overwhelming, although I know I should.
However, in the position where family were bending over backwards to help me and I knew I could help ease their burden by using hearing aids, I would persevere and make it work.
I would explain to him in simple terms that you cannot function properly with all the high volume around you and that you want to help him but it's too much for you to deal with.
It's in his power to help the situation, and if he's of sound mind, he needs to make some effort, 82 or not.

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow I would ask MNHQ to move this post to the Elderly Parents section. You will get far more helpful responses from people who are in similar situations. Report your post and ask for it to be moved.
I help to look after my Mother in Law who is in her 90s. She is selfish, vain and stubborn but she's also very vulnerable. So it's extremely hard to care for her. She resists at every turn.
My grandparents were very different in their old age and gratefully accepted help when it was needed so I would never have understood this situation until I encountered it with MIL.
I've just had a very long saga with her and hearing aids which recently culminated in her ' losing' them (I suspect she threw them away). I honestly want to cry.... when she wears them we can have a normal conversation at reasonable volume and she actually understands and remembers what was said. Without them I have to shout to be heard and she doesn't understand half of what's being said. It's just so stressful to have to shout all the time. It changes the tone from friendly and civilised to somewhat aggressive and impatient. I wear hearing aids myself and I understand that the sound can be somewhat artificial. But that's no excuse for refusing to wear them and putting your family who are sacrificing a lot to care for you under even more stress.

I don't have an answer or even any useful advice OP. But you are not being unreasonable. If you need it, you will find plenty of support and understanding on the Elderly Parents board from others dealing with similar situations.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. My dad won't accept he has hearing loss at all, won't even go and get his ears tested. It's a ridiculous situation. There will probably come a point where I stop facilitating his vanity too and just stop speaking louder and slower like I do now. He's choosing to make life more difficult for himself and others.

I also want to add that if you do manage success in getting him to wear/ properly try to wear his aids and there are still communication problems, please be patient.
Depending on the situation hearing aids can sometimes make understanding trickier ime ( for example, picking up a different conversation to the one you want to hear)

If only old age turned everyone kind, empathic, cooperative and sweet - but no, people actually continue to be themselves and some can be incredibly selfish and difficult sometimes.

Good idea about moving the thread, more understanding on the Elderly Parents section

I 'wear' hearing aids - by that I have them but don't wear them that often - not because of vanity, looking ill/old but because when they are in I can hear everything and it is annoying as fuck. When you say about being autistic and struggling with noise - that to me is what it is like with them in. I recognise that not wearing them is more annoying for other people so will wear them if I really need to hear things.

Unless he is in another room - I can't see the need to shout as if you are looking at him when you speak he can probably lip read some of what you say. You will have to see if he wants your company enough to wear them!
My thinking he is set in his ways and won't change.

I hope you are okay OP.
There have been lots of helpful tips on this thread, including from those who you probably feel are attacking you.
But there is also a lot of hostility.
I'd honestly suggest hiding the thread and stepping away at this point, for your own well being.
I hope you can take something from the helpful bits and not feel too attacked.

YANBU. He can't just expect you to run about after him because he's chosen not to bother with hearing aids. Well done for asserting some boundaries.

Hearing aids aren't a quick fix, though - when you become deaf, you stop hearing most peripheral sounds (like heating clicks, the noise of you moving your body around, the crinkle of bags, cutlery clinking...etc. Your brain forgets how to filter this stuff out, so when you start wearing hearing aids your brain has to re-learn to filter out the background stuff. It's very tiring, but you can speed it up by wearing them at home.

I do feel attacked when I'm told I should be ashamed of myself, I'm ableist, disablist, harsh & aggressive along with all the other things I've been called, when I've repeatedly said time and time again I'm a single mother to a 4 year old not yet in school, working full time, having gone through chemo and surgeries due to an incurable cancer diagnosis, bending myself backwards trying to look after and care for a stubborn, at times rude and lazy elderly relative who I'm asking to do ONE thing, wear his hearing aids when he is round my home as due to my autism
I am in the verge of burnout and the shouting, over speaking, interrupting and the telly on volume 65 is too much for me and makes me feel like I'm in sensory overload.

If old people want the younger people, or women, to help, they need to meet us carers half way. That's all I'm asking.

But thank you for your reply, I appreciate your concern. None of what I've written above is aimed at you at all.

Thank you to you and the other posters suggesting this, I've asked for it to be moved over. Thank you :)

Agree fully with @KvotheTheBloodless hearing aids require a bit of work on behalf of the user.

I was advised to keep them in all day and only remove at night. When I first got them - honestly the clarity of sound around me was very disconcerting at first, I'll be truthful about that! The aids did not hurt, itch, scratch or anything like that, but sounds were loud, but very clear. A miracle if you ask me.

Anyway I persevered and wore them all day and did as advised, only taking them off at night. Bit by bit I got very used to the sounds around me that I could never hear before. It takes a bit of work by the user, and sometimes giving up is the easy option, and I can understand that.

If you were to ask me one of the lovely benefits (apart from the joy of communicating properly again), I would have to say it is the sound of the birds singing in the early morning and at dusk. So beautiful and I am in heaven when I hear that now.

My dad is 74 and much the same with his hearing aids.He hates wearing them cause they are uncomfortable, which is understandable to a degree. But it means you can no longer have a nice chat or a laugh, and its all but killed off my parents relationship because of it.

I've moved in temporarily and it's absolutely exhausting constantly, and I mean constantly repeating yourself and shouting!

Unless you've actually dealt with it long term, you can't understand. Which I think explains the lack of understanding in the replies you're getting.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I definitely feel your pain op.

I hope your mum isn't going to do his Christmas cards OP. I might do half a dozen or add his name onto mine.

No, she refused when he asked her last year, resulting in him giving out blank Christmas cards to family and friends.

He is able bodied and can write, but he is incredibly lazy and has no shame in being so.

I'd be mortified if I handed my parents a blank Christmas card because I couldn't be arsed to write in it.

If we step back or refuse to do things, he won't do it. Just like he say In the same pants and clothes for 5 days. He's physically normal, just a bit slower as he's frail. But he has had everything handed to him his whole life and it's stopping now whether he likes it or not. His laziness and bone idle attitude is what's driving me and mum towards a breakdown.

I love him, dearly, but I am so resentful and at times angry. It's so hard.

Hi OP, I totally sympathise. My mother bought the best heating aids in the biz and she wasn't wearing them. It's taken a couple of years, but she is now wearing them regularly. She is about your grandads age.
I think for their generation, there is so much stigma around being deaf or having a special need.
It was so frustrating having to repeat things and ger louder. It was fucking horrendous. Especially when I was in a rush or very busy.
I had a chat with her and said it's the same as wearing glasses. Imagine having glasses, not wearing the glasses and then not being able to see.
I also took her to the audiologist and they explained about cognitive decline and how your hearing can actually get worse not wearing them.
It's so hard it's such a pain.

He could be in the early stages of dementia too . Just not able to cope with things like post and writing cards.

@another1bitestheduck

People hear 'old' and suddenly becomes 'sweet old dear who deserves nothing but support and can't possibly be blamed for anything or expected to do anything to help themselves' and guilt trip others into putting up with abuse that they'd be the first one to shout LTB at if it was OP's DH treating her like this. Old people are as capable of being arseholes as anyone else.

Like the idiots who pop up on every difficult parent thread on here bleating, "You're so cruel. They won't be around forever. I would give aaaaaanything to be able to spend one more Christmas with my mum/dad/grandad."

Yeah I have to admit, that last bit gets my goat. 'Be nicer! I would give anything to see my old dad/dear mum/grandad once more!'

It's so guilt-trippy and manipulative and passive aggressive, and I hate it. And I say that as someone whose parents both died some years ago. (And my grandparents died MANY years ago!)

Yes I would love to have my mom and dad back for Christmas, and it makes me sad that they're not here, but that doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to be pissed off and angry at their (living) parents, or grandparents!

.

@Daisybuttercup12345 I guess it could be, but he's never had to write cards as my nanny did it. Now he expects us to write them. He's always been like it.

He's been overindulged.. of course parts of him won't change now as he's been like this forever, but he needs to learn to read the room. He knows that me and mum work full time. He knows the hours not to knock, but he will walk past mums house and notice she's in and still knock anyway. He doesn't forget she's working but he'll say 'oh I'm not stopping I'm just dropping these in.' But then still comes in, asks for a cup of tea and just sits there while mum is trying to work.

Every now and again my dad will have enough and will say something to him in a firm way. He'll tell him not to come round between X hours of the day, and to open his own post and only bring round what needs dealing with.
He will listen to my dad and do as he says for a few days, then he reverts back. It's quite manipulative really as if he sees my dad's work van on the drive he won't knock unless it's the weekend.

And knocking is only a new thing, quite often he would walk in without knocking or ringing the doorbell. It's just boundaries that he keeps crossing and he will use the 'I'm old please excuse me.' It's so tiring.

Is it laziness or something else? Perhaps he's struggling with reading and understanding the letters? Or doesn't know what to do with them eg if it's a letter asking for information or a decision.

As people get older they lose resilience.

He might say he can't be bothered learning to use an iPhone when he means he finds it impossiblely difficult to understand and is too embarrassed to tell you.

I would imagine your mum has more understanding of this than you so it's not as easy for her to put in a boundary to protect herself when she knows her father is struggling.

Ar the same time I understand you are also struggling.
Rather than having your grandfather visit you for a few hours once a week, can you cook him some meals and take them round a couple nights a week? You could just pop in for half an hour, hear up the meals, do a quick tidy up and check on him and be off.

You could also offer more practical support to your mother to help her help him, then you're not in direct contact with him.

Completely agree with this. I will be incredibly sad when grandads time is up, but that doesn't mean I can't vent my frustration and anger and should put up with his behaviour or lack of manners. Being old isn't a faux pass as I said in a previous post. The ones who think it's acceptable will be the ones who turn out like my grandad.

Being a carer is really really hard and none of us came into this world signing up for the role. Especially as it falls down to the women majority of the time.

@Onlycoffee

That's a really good idea. I will start doing some meals on wheels and only stay for a short while. Thank you - I'll start doing that straight away.

I will tell him I'm only doing this as he won't wear his aids. If he starts wearing them, then I'll happily sit with him and he can come over when he wishes. But this is definitely worth keeping trying. I'll mention it to mum too.

I’m short of time but could he be depressed? His lack of motivation or energy would suggest it’s possible.

FIL was just like this and I simply insisted ( nicely) that he wore them with us. He’d make a bit of a joke/ point about mentioning it as if I was very unreasonable and weird about it but no matter, they made a huge difference.

stick to your boundaries and also look at reducing what you’re doing. You must be exhausted.

take care.

You could ask his gp to assess for depression. He won’t tell you anything but might ask him to come in for a check up.