Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

“Boundary” the MN catch-all phrase for terrible behaviour.

I'm going to get into Age UK, and also to his GP and adult social services. Thank you for your help. He's going to have to accept that female relatives cannot pander to his needs anymore. We will always be here to help but it's not our job to run ourselves ragged just because he won't accept help from anyone outside the family. It's not our problem!

Yes he's stuck in his ways and yes my nanny did everything for him, but he either accepts the help or he doesn't, and that decision is firmly up to him. Thank you again.

Too many men see women as servants and expect women to be running round after them. Because it suits them.

When women say no, its always good. You're not anyone else's servant.

Oooooo, you're so funny, everyone's laughing, got anymore?

Yes!

It does actually because capacity to do all kinds of things diminishes with age. My dad couldn’t cope with his mail as he got older. I think you’re being completely unreasonable and not making any concessions to his age.

That utmost respect and love isn’t coming out in your post. It’s probably not coming out in your RL interactions either!

Can you lay off her.

What's your thoughts on her grandfather never doing a thing for himself in his life. And the grandmother did everything for him?

He can't expect women to do everything for him. And neither should you.

But the OP said that her grandfather was lazy and selfish all his life.

Did you miss that part?

Then it’s not going to get better at 82, is it?

You said she should make concessions due to age though?

And I said no, not if he was selfish all his life. And now his wife has died (who did everything for him), he's putting the burden of care on his daughter and granddaughter.

There are loads of charities and carers that can help him.

It's not the granddaughters responsibility.

Well, probably because he isn't reading this post.

Or have I forgotten to be on my best womanly behaviour even when out of his presence? Ah, got it.

It’s really important he starts using his hearing aids, if only with you or your mum. Not being able to have a conversation will start the road to dementia.
And what do the neighbours think about the tv volume? If they complained, he’d need to sort it as well ….

4….put the subtitles on when he watches tv

this

People hear 'old' and suddenly becomes 'sweet old dear who deserves nothing but support and can't possibly be blamed for anything or expected to do anything to help themselves' and guilt trip others into putting up with abuse that they'd be the first one to shout LTB at if it was OP's DH treating her like this.

Old people are as capable of being arseholes as anyone else.

Like the idiots who pop up on every difficult parent thread on here bleating, "You're so cruel. They won't be around forever. I would give aaaaaanything to be able to spend one more Christmas with my mum/dad/grandad."

They think they are the kind and considerate ones and people trying to put in boundaries are the nasty ones, without realising they are only exhibiting their complete lack of empathy and their inability to understand that just because their parent was a kind, caring, mother/father, not everyone's was.

If anything you putting in boundaries ad standing up for yourself is kinder to you, your mother and your own DC, as it demonstrates what a healthy familial relationship is, rather than continuing the cycle of 'men are incompetent and women's role is to help them.'

@blossomtoes

My grandad doesn't even bother opening his mail, he will bring it around in batches on days he knows my mum is working from home. He and read and write perfectly.
He also chucked a bunch of blank Christmas cards on the table in front of mum telling her to write them, because he couldn't be bothered. Is that lazy enough for you?
A light came on his house alarm, my dad called him and talked him through to reset the alarm, he said no, he won't do that and to come round and us do it. When my dad was there 10pm at night may I add, he said can he sort his washing while we're there.
A bloke who won't help putting his shopping away, even though he's fully able bodied.
A man who won't bother returning a missed call and will ask us to call the number.

That lazy enough? I've got many more to give. As I've said, you can be bone idle and lazy at any age. No amount of denial or excuses from you or the like will change that.

I am allowed to love my GF as well as be angry, frustrated, and calling out his behaviour and put in boundaries. If you want to go through life excusing poor behaviour I'd suggest making your bar a bit higher.

Not really about hearing aids, is it? I’m very familiar with similar behaviour. The difference is that I didn’t resent it. It’s annoying to have to make a 30 mile round trip to replace the battery in a remote control - I know, I did it. It’s not going to change, in fact it will get far worse so maybe it would be a good idea for you to step back.

Well done for not resenting it! Luckily for you not everyone is the same and some people have breaking points! I'd rather step back and not enable such behaviour but that's just me.

And it's OK to feel frustrated.

The last time I visited my mum, 76, I helped her to set up her panic button.

It's a complicated machine that needs a special sim card and takes a while to set up.

It literally is something that will save her life if she falls. And I still felt angry and frustrated doing it. As I'm just really tired.

Goes both ways, people who know you are deaf and can’t look at your when speaking or walk away whilst talking. People who mumble, or HUFF when you ask them to repeat themselves, I’m sorry does me being deaf inconvenience you? I could go on and on. However off point your grandad sounds like hard work, it’s ok to get frustrated and vent. You’re human, and so is he. Hearing aids can be uncomfortable, mine make me itchy sometimes, they can just be a bit much, it’s exhausting trying to hear with them in, everything seems loud or you can hear the fridge buzzing and frankly sometimes I happily come home take them out before bed and enjoy the peace.

Well do everyone concerned a favour and step back then.

Sorry, OP, but you remind me of the Fawlty Towers episode with Mrs Richards: 'Do you by any chance wear a hearing aid?' 'A what?' 'A hearing aid!' 'Yes I do wear a hearing aid.' 'Would you like me to get it mended?' 'Mended? It's working perfectly well, I haven't put the batteries in.' 'Why not?' 'They run down. Anyway ...'

He's being very selfish. Don't raise your voice or put the TV volume up. Sour the milk.

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow I think you are coming across on this thread as awful. You are very aggressive.

Turn the TV of when you go to his house. Old people are still entitled to autonomy. He doesn't have to do anything and neither do you.

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies for any repetition but I am very familiar with this situation. I just wanted to say that for TV noise you can get blue tooth headphones to connect to the TV and/or radio so the hard of hearing person can listen as loud as they like. No-one else can hear anything though so maybe it is not a solution for you. Unless they have new functionality and everyone can hear now. Good luck anyway - it is a very trying problem and difficult to have a nice friendly visit with someone who can’t hear you. It ends up feeling like you are having an argument because you are shouting. And then you get angry and you are having an argument!

My elderly mother would definitely refuse to wear earphones. As "she will listen to the TV how she wants to"