Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

Just tell them to buy you some smellies or something they could get at Tesco. Your sister won’t go into town on her own, why not?

Yanbu to ask and to refuse to facilitate it, but the choice is ultimately theirs.

Have you ever suggested that your sister does more? What would happen if you said you couldn’t host one year?

I do suggest easy things like a bottle of fizz from the supermarket but they keep asking for more suggestions.
No idea about sister. She’s always been difficult and is enabled by parents.

It may cause ructions, but tough, I’d tell them no presents this year, reinforce this big time and tell them in clear but kindly terms that they are causing you work. I’d also be telling sister she can host Christmas! Not sure why you’re forced into that position every single year. You could bring stuff, she wouldn’t have to do everything.

My elderly mum dropped a massive hint that I should be coming for Christmas (5 hours drive, DH on shifts, don’t know what she thinks I’d do with 2 bouncy young dogs) and it’s my DH’s only Christmas off in years. I just said no.

just tell them you want a surprise. Don’t give them any suggestions. Give it to charity after Christmas if you don’t like it.

My parents always defend her.
one year I refused to host and my hubby took me and kids out for dinner. My parents or more so my mum went into a strop over it and said what are we (meaning mum,dad,sis) supposed to do. I said they could come as well but they would have to pay for their share. They refused. Made me feel guilty for doing something without them.

Think of something you’re going to buy anyway, say “I’ve seen so-and-so that I really like, shall I pick it up and you give me the money?”

I would be more than happy to bring stuff to my mums for Xmas day and help out. But, my sister refuses to do it and uses my mum to speak for her so it never happens.
When my sister comes to mine she sits on her a*se and doesn’t offer any help unless my mum snips at her.

I had this, it was very difficult to remain patient. When my parents were fit and well they really didn't bother much with Christmas gifts ... would write a cheque. When they become unable to do Christmas shopping they started treating me like a personal shopper at Christmas. It would be so annoying as I would get my Christmas shopping done and then get asked to get gifts for neighbours and their friends and my siblings boyfriends and girlfriends. I think you just need to be a bit firm about it, but it's difficult.

Is your sister ND? DHs sister was exactly the same down to becoming a carer and is ND.

What you describe is pretty much the default for dysfunctional families everyone running around trying to keep the ship steady no understanding, no independence. It’s exhausting. Either you find a way to become golden child and be adored for SFA and resented to hell by your DSis, become even more independent at the expense of the level of attachment you currently have, or participate in the group dynamics as they are. Groups are more resistant to change than individuals and many individuals don’t do change at all.

So are you going to carry on with this dynamic? What happens when your dc leave home? Same as? In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat, I bet you run yourself ragged at Christmas!

Ask for something outrageously expensive. They might then go no contact with you.

I have a feeling this isn't just about Christmas presents

is your sister really full time carer for your mum?

it's completely reasonable to say you don't want anything and I'd be explicitly clear that you won't return anything etc

Yes

I send my dad a link to what I actually want and he just orders it, job done.

i get your annoyed but just either say nothing and stick to it or send them a link to something you want or just ask for booze/food/ spa voucher.

your sister does work by the way, she’s full time carer for your mum like you said. Unpaid carers are hugely important.

Tell them you would absolutely love a book token or John Lewis voucher or bottle of X perfume - something you would like that they can easily get.

If they give you clothes the wrong size for your children, smile and say thank you, and put them in a bag for the next time you are going to a charity shop.

As for "doing Christmas", if you don't want to host, say "It is too much for me this year" or "I can't do lunch for everyone, so why don't you come over for mince pies in the afternoon".

It also strikes me that although you are carrying a lot of responsibility, your sister is too as live in carer to an elderly parent who needs a wheelchair. It sounds as if she has social deficits, so I would cut her some slack for the things she doesn't do - if she weren't living at home I am willing to bet your burdens would be even greater.

It is a tough time of life I am afraid .

I have wondered if she is ASD because we only recently discovered my Dad is.
I tried in the passed to get her help but it’s always thrown in my face. So, I don’t have a close relationship with her. Tbh I feel like an only child due to a lack of any interaction from her unless it is forced by mother.

It's kind of them to want to give you a gift. You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.

I'm late 40s, children, job etc.. and busy. But it won't take long to say 'oh that's so lovely! I'd love some bath oils or whatever' and then to pop to boots in your lunch hour to buy them. It's your parents.

My mum is dead now. What I wouldn't give to engage in one more crazy Christmas with her..

If you are asked to host again, just say 'im sorry, I'd love to have you all but this Christmas please could sister host instead as she hasn't done it before and I am a bit tired and stressed this year and would value sisters support..' or 'id love to but I'm knackered, let's all go out for lunch instead..'

Mum Dad and Sister I would like an Amazon gift card for Xmas. If you cant manage that, then I would like an M and S gift card.

The dc dont need any clothes. Please send them some money in a card this year as they are saving up for xyz

I will be giving you gift cards as well this year

how about a gift voucher easy to buy more fun for you to spend

This seems like the heart of the matter. Think you have to choose whether you want to put your foot down (with all the upset that involves) or keep playing along. Not easy. Do you never spend Christmas with your husband’s family?

I think if your sister is a full time carer for your mum then perhaps she sees herself as doing a lot of your share of that? Especially if she's disabled herself. I think the way that you talk about her, if she's a disabled person caring for your mother, it's harsh! Also it's a lot to ask her to go into town and shop for your present when surely you're able to pick yourself up something, just order it online to be delivered to their house?

Yes it was the anxiety, not working outside of the home and the preference for staying at home that made me wonder but if your Dad is, ND is highly genetic so I’d say it is a safe bet.

I think you are going to have to lower your expectations massively of them and by the sounds of things of yourself too or you will run yourself into the ground completely. If there is ND, it is a disability and will cause significant issues for them but for you too. ND is like MH in some ways in that it does not just affect the person with it, it affects those closest to them too. Don’t look to them to change look at what the current patterns of behaviour are and look at how you need to change you in those patterns. If it isn’t hosting Christmas, if it isn’t getting presents just figure out what you need to happen and focus on changing yourself, your actions, your expectations, your emotions.

I hear you OP - same situation here and I'm expected to tell my Mum and MIL what to get everyone else (MIL had tried the old I'll send them directly to you so you can wrap them trick as well). I have an Amazon wish list but they still bloody ask what i want. I now just say "a surprise" and repeat ad nauseum. It is not expecting too much of life that my own bloody mother can think of a present for me. Both mum and MIL can use the internet and both still drive. The other thing they try is telling me "oh but you are so good at presents" as if I'm going to fall for flattery. I work full time, DH and I host them every year. I am not martyring myself to this - it's the least they can bloody do.

But you are not an only child……your sister is your mothers carer and without that you would likely have to take on that role yourself or feel guilt that you couldn’t…..as your mother ages, your sister will likely do more and more