Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

I get the mental load.

Somehow I have to decide what everyone buys everyone else in the family - and its exhausting - and then I'm often asked to buy it and try to keep track of people paying me back. And yet no-one thinks maybe what I would like - no-one thinks of me and thinks "what would she like". In fact no-one thinks of anyone, just throws it all on me to decide.

And then I have to plan the dinner, do the shopping, cook the meal, make sure everyone has what they like on their plate, and by then any remaining Christmas spirit has thoroughly disappeared!

This year I have mutinied - and so far it feels fabulous!!

Throwing this in here for you @ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout

I'm almost 70.

My dear Mum is 96. We don't live near each other and don't see each other at Xmas because of the distance. (I have a sister who lives near her.)

My Mum asked what she could get me for Xmas, last week.
I said nothing. I don't want anything, I'm comfortably off and within reason can buy what I want.

If I did want something I'd have to buy it myself and she'd send me the money for it.

I've also told my adult children not to spend more than a tenner on something very small.

This is exactly what ends up happening in our family. It makes it all so pointless!

Perhaps ask for food or consumables. Things that need replacing like towels, dinner plates.
Is there a Carols or concert that you would like to attend? Would your parents purchase the tickets for everyone, including themselves?
A gift card from the butcher or fruit shop or cinema or fuel service station. A large bag of nuts or oranges or mangos. Money is not a bad idea too. You could suggest that they give similar cash to your sister.

Also simplify the meal.
Cook a roast and have your kids prepare the sweets and snacks. They could choose their favourite.
Have your husband cook a BBQ.

I suggest you look into booking your parents into respite for a couple of weeks. Your sister needs a break.

Things to consider for next year.
All eating elsewhere at a restauant.
Having Secret Santa where every one buys and receives ONE gift.
Making sure that your sister gets a few weeks away from being the carer. Your parents should employ help regularly for a day per week. The situation as it is now doesn't seem sustainable.
Each year make your Christmas more about your own children and have them participate to make the day how they'd like. They could do more of the prep and it should be easy to add food for three more people.

I think you need to be more assertive. Give them 2 options like a toddler. Either nothing or a bottle of wine from the supermarket. If they ask again reiterate the same thing and don't get drawn into further discussion on it. If they get in a strop that's their problem. Why would you feel guilty?

Some people treat others as badly as they can get away with. You don't live with them so don't actually need to put up with any of it. Start saying no and stop feeling guilty.

As for hosting Christmas - maybe your sister thinks she does enough as their full time carer? But anyway either host them or don't but there's no need to feel bad. The nicer you are the less they will respect you, unfortunately.

I just order myself something and my mum does a transfer (checking with her first of course).

HRTFT but just say garden centre vouchers (the national ones sell everything). I do think if DSis is doing all that care that the respite at Christmas is work sucking up too.
Get a company to help empty the house (house-clearances are common and any house will sell if thr price is right. You could let a solicitor handle the probate and sale. If your not inheriting it can come out of the sale. If you are then throw money at making your life easier.

This will sound harsh but no one can make you feel anything. Your posts are full of I have to, I became responsible for. It's all a choice you are choosing to do those things. Now before you get cross, that's probably because that's been considered your role by the family for years and you just do it and seethe with resentment (as we all would. Feeling guilt is awful but won't kill you, sit with the guilt, you don't feel guilt because you have done something wrong, you feel guilt because youve been trained to think you have. You need to break the cycle, you are not responsible for another adults emotions, they are responsible.

I completely empathise. My parents are both early 80s, in extremely good health for their ages, can drive & are perfectly happy using public transport. However, my mum refuses to shop online at all & my dad has absolutely no interest in Christmas (it would be ignored if left to him). My mum has no idea what her grandchildren's interests are (but that's a whole other thread) & every year she asks me to buy presents for them on my parents behalf. My parents live several hours away so so we don't see them that often & host them at our house for Christmas, so I then end up wrapping the gifts too (making sure I use different wrapping paper to the stuff we have, so another thing to add to the to-do list) so they're ready for when they arrive on Christmas day.
She then asks what I'd like, I tell her, she then states it would be easier for me to purchase them myself, so I do. By which stage I can't be arsed wrapping them (because I've already wrapped more presents than Santa's elves!!!) & then I get moaned at for not bothering to wrap my own presents, which I bought & know exactly what they are!!!
I also have to provide ideas to the in-laws & BiL.
Sorry, rant over!

I can absolutely understand your exhaustion, @ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout - you have taken on the mental and physical load of Christmas for everyone, for year upon year - and it sounds as if you are being completely taken for granted by your mum and sister, and your dad is enabling them, by not having the gumption to rein them in at all.

In our family, I take on most of the mental load of Christmas - the planning, deciding what presents to get for people, ordering them, wrapping and posting them, doing all the cards etc, planning the meals, doing the shopping etc etc, and it is exhausting Having to think up your own present, on top of all of that, just seems like the final straw.

If you do end up hosting again this year (and to be honest, if you can get out of it, I absolutely believe you deserve to), can you tell everyone what they are to bring, and what they will be expected to do to help on the day? Would that make it easier - or would it just get ignored?

With regard to presents, would your parents get you a charity gift - the ones where you buy a goat for a village - that sort of thing?

The people saying it takes 5 minutes of her time live in cloud cuckoo. It doesn’t. It’s another job on her already huge list. It’s not just one gift is it? It’s the messaging. It’s her saying £20 in an envelope is fine. It’s them insisting it’s not. It’s her inability to choose something she actually wants because they won’t shop online. She’ll basically have to think of something, make sure it’s the right price, get it, get it to them before Christmas or wrap it up for them to give to her and then get the money off them. It defeats the whole purpose of it being a gift for her. It’s not. It’s a pain in the arse.

I empathise because with my family we just tell each other get A this or get B that and then I get it and exchange it with them with the things they have demanded I list. I’d much rather we were traditional, took a risk, purchased each other something without all the bloody messaging backwards and forwards in the weeks running up to Christmas. If you have 2 siblings who each have 2 kids and 2 parents on each side that’s 16 times you have to have that conversation. It’s bloody draining. And this year it started in November. I hate it!

Try saying you're too busy to think about it . Refuse to host . And when they ask you what to but for anyone, say .what were you thinking of ? Keep throwing it back to them.

I don't think this is about Christmas presents.

I would also say that being a full-time carer for your mother is no easy task. Whilst I can appreciate your life does sound very busy you do seem to have an attitude that you do far more than your sister. Lots of full time carers on here have posts that would widen your eyes.

Perhaps your sister has been lazy her whole life. I wouldn't know. But she's certainly pulling her weight at this stage in your family life.

If you don't want to 'do' Christmas this year with them in any capacity that's fine, but to insinuate it's because you are so so busy and meanwhile your sister has all the time in the world to sort everything instead is a little blinkered.

You're both busy and she is doing the majority of caring for the woman who is both of your mother. If you don't want presents as you resent having to help sort it that's absolutely fair. But your view of your sister seems, to me, with the information here, a bit unfair.

I refused to host [...] Made me feel guilty for doing something without them.
No-one can "make you" feel guilty. You have to just be clear in your own mind that you have done nothing wrong, and decide you are not guilty and won't feel guilty.

When my sister comes to mine she sits on her ase and doesn’t offer any help unless my mum snips at her.*
If she is ASD, she needs clear requests and instructions. She is not a mind-reader and is out of her comfort zone and normal routine. Just be very explicit "DS, please could you load the dishwasher. DS, please could you play with X child and keep them occupied for 30 mins".
Have you done much reading about your Dad's ASD? Likely your sister has the same traits, and it would help you to learn some strategies.

she [DM] always asks how much I pay for things and then criticises or tells my dad on me as she knows he is a miser and will go mad over any expenditure.
Sounds like your relationship with your DM is the root of the troubles.
There is a lot of help on MN about dealing with dysfunctional parents (e.g. the 'Stately Homes' threads), but it boils down to you dropping the rope - she can't have a tug of war with you if you don't play. Learn how to ignore and 'grey rock' and don't let her get to you.

I think you need to book a holiday over Christmas and tell everyone that the only thing you want for Christmas is holiday spending money. See them in the new year.

I would tell them DH has surprised you all with a Christmas trip away for the family after a difficult year during which you've been run ragged. If they live far away, they'll never know unless you answer a FaceTime from your own kitchen on Christmas Day. It's the 3rd December, plenty of time for them to sort themselves out with some M&S shove it in the oven ready to go Christmas foods.

"What would I like for Christmas? Honestly, a cheque or cash in a card. I'd like to buy a new winter coat in the sales"
The sort of sensible thing that no parent will ever argue about. No need for them to even go to an ATM.

Any chance your sister would rather go somewhere else for Christmas / stay at home if she is chief carer? Or does she take care of your mums personal needs when she visits you and just sits around otherwise? I'll be honest, after a weekend of 24x7 looking after my Dad caring is bleddy relentless even if you have a lot on in your normal life.

I always let DDs know what I would like (often it's a specific book). This year I've also bought all the family books.

“I refused to host [...] Made me feel guilty for doing something without them.*
No-one can "make you" feel guilty. You have to just be clear in your own mind that you have done nothing wrong, and decide you are not guilty and won't feel guilty.*”

To be fair it is conditioning that makes the person feel guilty and reprogramming a lifetime of programming is difficult. We have tribal/cultural programming that is automatic and makes emotions spring up and there is a big lag between our automatic programming and our cognition so in very real terms it is absolutely possible for someone to make another person feel something. It is called manipulation and it is a very effective strategy used in dysfunctional families to keep control.

No where has the OP said her sister is disabled.

Philippa Perry, psychotherapist wife of Grayson Perry, wrote that feeling guilty rather than feeling resentful is the lesser of two evils. I’ve found the article where I read this and though the problem she’s talking about is different, it occurred to me tyat her advice might be relevant for your situation
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/oct/22/ask-philippa-perry-my-mums-depression-drags-me-down-i-feel-i-need-to-stay-away

Of all the problems and issues going on, this seems like the least important. Just say you don't have anything specific in mind and you appreciate them asking.

Maybe it’s time to introduce “ no presents for adults” ? Or ask for a gift card.
I think you have to stop hosting Christmas, and it wil be for their benefit not for you, you have to stop this pattern while they are still not too old and can do something themselves.
If they ask you what they supposed to do - tell them cheerfully: whatever you fancy..
Tell them that you will visit on Boxing Day. You will get older and the amount of your commitments will likely increase so make sure in advance that hosting all relatives for Christmas is not on the list of your commitments but an optional thing.

Thank you for understanding where I am coming from.

This is it exactly. Thanks.

OP, I think you have to actually face this head on now or it will never end.

"Mum, I don't want you to buy me anything because it just becomes another job for me to do. I am exhausted after the last couple of years and I literally cannot take on another thing, or I will go under.

For the same reason I'm not going to be doing Xmas this year. It's such hard work and I have done it for the last 20 years with no real help from any of you, and no offer to take a turn for fairness. I just can't do it anymore.

This year we're going out for lunch - you're welcome to join us if you'd like but it's not reasonable to expect me to pay for all of you. We don't have the money but even if we did, you are adults who I'm sure want to take responsibility for yourselves.

From past experience I expect you will be very angry that I am standing up for myself on this. I really hope, though, that you try to look at it rationally before you explode. Do you really believe that things have been fair so far?"