Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

I would just go abroad if I could. I’m doing this next year as due to kids exams I can’t this year. I’m sick of looking after everybody else’s needs and sick to death of dysfunctional families. It feels likes it could be x/y/z last Christmas guilt fed at me for the last 20 years and now I really don’t care. At this rate it could be mine. Put yourself first. You don’t want to spend time with your family, neither do I. Just stop and let go of the guilt and make other arrangements.

OP
Please do this.
You've got nothing to lose. Your parents could live for the next 20 years. Do you want this to continue to be your life basically forever?

Yes if you do it there will be an "extinction burst" - i.e. angry phonecalls to you.
Just don't answer any of them, and after a day get your DH to call them and reiterate what you said. (Maybe that will shame them a bit although they don't sound like anything would.)

The thing is that you do not HAVE to do anything you don’t want to do. They cannot physically force you to shop cook clean host sort presents. Just decide and stick to it. Don’t enter into discussion. You are allowing others to coerce and manipulate you.

it’s your life and it goes too fast. OP what would you like? A holiday, no adult presents apart from DH and £for DC from DGP and to just have Christmas with your own family not DS and parents. They can choose what they do it is not your responsibility.

Can you ask for a gift voucher or money to get something in the sales? If they are really insisting that is

Ah don’t be a Grinch OP. They can’t help being of ill health. There must be something you’d like, it can’t be that hard to choose something, graciously thank them and look forward to an exciting delivery.

I feel you OP. It always really annoys me that I have to think up the kids gifts from grandparents, and then wrap them too. In different paper! I do know my family care though, they just live abroad so it’s not that easy.

Cant you just go buy yourself a new top/dress/household item at the right price? Do you have to deliver it to them for wrapping or can you just say I’ve bought this so please send the money? I get its another bloody thing to do, but at least you’ll get something you actually like.

Well to be fair, you didn't mention the back story about your dysfunctional family and therapy etc.. in your post

You have also made the assumption that I had a good relationship with my mum. Yes, I loved her and she loved me, but I had a horrendously abusive childhood (pretty much every ace) (But i miss mum now she's passed away and I would do anything for one more dysfunctional, stressful and emotionally exhausting Christmas if it meant one last hug or one last word, or to hear from her that she didn't die in pain).

My point was that it's kind she offered to buy you a gift. It wouldn't take long to just say thanks id like an amazon voucher or id like smellies from boots etc..

I don't think your problem is really with the offer of a gift, or hosting/not hosting, or your mum being interested in a shop you want vouchers from. All these are relatively minor and solvable without too much problem

Your problem sounds like everything your mum does triggers memories of the family dysfunction and is seen through the eyes of the experiences you endured growing up. Even if your mum does something neutral it's likely to trigger you because you'll see it through trauma-eyes.

Maybe a little more therapy focussed around how to manage the current relationship, how to work in boundaries etc.. is what's needed, more than how to simply just solve this one Christmas issue..

💐

Dont do that. It's SO self absorbed and dickish..... "My mum's dead and I miss her so you should put up with more years of endless shit from your family".
She's not massively unreasonable, you are.

My husband is ASD as well so I have plenty on my plate. Without being assessed there is no way of knowing what my sister has. But Yes with my dad it’s highly likely via genetics that she has ASD.

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. You obviously did

I didn't actually

Dh and I have decided, along with our adult children, to make charity donations in each others' honour. We all have more than enough money to provide for needs and wants. Our grandchild will be spoiled with presents, however, because that's the privilege of grandparenthood.

Not taking on the mental load. Because she was going to buy it for herself anyway. So it doesn't even matter if the parents don't get round to giving her the money

Not really. Just giving my perspective.

I never said anyone should put up with endless shit from their family.

My brother found continuing any relationship with my mum into adulthood intolerable so cut her off. Right decision for him. We all found her death hard though. I'm allowed to express that.

I've just read your latest post about your relationship with your mum. It does sound very difficult and abusive and I'm very sorry you had to experience that.

However, you must realise that you wanting your mum back for just one more disfunctional, stressful and emotionally exhausting Christmas is a very unusual response and most people with experience of abusive childhood and adult Christmases don't feel that way.

The thread isn't about you though

Just say what you would really love and appreciate is having Christmas dinner at theirs (don't know what this means for your dad unless he can come too).
So they will say no. Then you say ok but I'm not hosting this year. And I don't want to have to buy my own presents from you. You've asked and I've answered.
Then go and have a lovely Christmas without them. They may loan and groan, but you can take the moral high ground and said you've done your share and now heed a break.
I'm in my 60s, and looking back one thing I would change is holding back just to keep the image.

Completely agree. We just don't buy for each other at all. Secret Santa for adults who will be at my parents on Christmas Day, kids secret Santa too. Job done

She says she suspects ASD, which can be disabling.

Why is it such a big deal to add something to your supermarket shop and say “got it”

Your sister is a carer. That isn't an easy job and if she lives with her she won't switch off at all. Doesn't sound like she has an easy life to be honest.
As for the presents, can't you just ask for amazon vouchers which can be ordered online so no trip into town necessary.

You need to say the same thing this year.
Unless your sister gets off her lazy arse and starts doing stuff..then nothing will change.
Get booked in somewhere for Christmas dinner .put your big girl pants on and start having a family Christmas for you and your dh

'Unless your sister gets off her lazy arse and starts doing stuff..then nothing will change'

The sister is a fulltime carer for their dm. The op needs to do Christmas dinner and assist with Christmas present purchasing. It's the very least she can do.

Don't blame you, knock the Xmas present buying on the head.

It's crazy.

Dispense with gift giving/receiving altogether (DC excepted). It is liberating!

OP you are a bit unkind about your sister and I appreciate only you know the full story but if you acknowledge she may be ASD then this may explain what you consider her laziness or refusal to help? I agree with PP who says just give her specific tasks if she comes to your house. You could even say you'll host but you need help with X and Y and specially ask sister to help you.

You say your mum doesn't appreciate your sister looking after her but you don't speak about it as if you appreciate what she does either. You say it's pretty much owed and that seems to be your mother's attitude too.

You're not unreasonable to not want to organise your own present, but you could just say "I haven't got time to think about it. There's nothing I really want or need so you really don't have to get me anything. If you really want to just get me a small surprise" and then don't engage any more if the texts continue.

I get you have a lot on but I think you're being a bit negative.