Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

So taking on the mental load?

Which is exactly the root of the problems OP is describing?

Can you request subscriptions as gifts if they really want to get you something? Nice coffee or chocolate delivered once month, subscription for a magazine or similar for the kids? Then they can just give you the money and every month you can tell them how great the thing is?

I think you need to take the rose tinted glasses off. It’s great that you have/had a great relationship with your mum. But, not everyone does. I’ve had years of therapy because of my dysfunctional family. I am deeply affected by my childhood. My mum is very self-centred. Yes it would be easy to do what you say, but my mum is very difficult.
for example, she recently asked to buy me a gift and I said I’d love vouchers from a particular clothes shop. I was happy to buy them myself because I could easily buy them online. But, her response was ‘I (meaning her) have never shopped in there before. I would need to go in there and see if there is anything I would wear from there but I’m in a wheelchair so I can’t go’. So the point of buying me a gift from said shop is trumped by her now interest in the shop for herself. Its ruined my interest in that shop and I have never been back because I can’t have her question what I have bought because she always asks how much I pay for things and then criticises or tells my dad on me as she knows he is a miser and will go mad over any expenditure. I am nearly 50!!

My MIL always gave me stuff that didn’t fit, not my style, or sometime weird random things. I asked for cash, which suits us both better! Life is too short to be getting riled over gifts.

I'm in this position.

I write a list. It's usually stuff that can be got from Tesco. I don't really care but it keeps the peace.

Ask for a voucher towards a spa break sounds like you need it ❤️

It's good to get it out but I do think you are being a bit harsh on your sister. She lives with them full time and is their carer. That would be hard work.

I think a lot of mums have this sadly. You need to think of a practical solution to suit all. I have 3 suggestions that might help. 1) buy Amazon vouchers for everyone in your family from them.

2) do a secret Santa for the adults so you are only buying one present each (on their behalf)
3) Give your husband a 'wish list' and ask him to sort it as it spoils it for you.

It sounds like you've had a stressful year. Unless there is a backstory be kind to your sister as she has probably had one too.

Hope it all works out and you find some downtime.

Sounds like you are at the end of your tether with everything. I’d just drop the rope, say you are going out for Xmas dinner and they can come or not. Tell them not to buy you a present as you don’t want anything. Sometimes you need to protect you own MH - and don’t feel guilty, sounds like you have done more than enough for many years. Dont be a martyr - just start saying no.

I empathise OP.
I'm not an expert in this, but grey rock tenchinques help.
E.g. save up texts to reply just once a day at 5pm. Don't say more in reply than the minimum needed. Do them a v basic Xmas dinner/ just cook what you and DCs like etc...
Good luck!

Anything online is a problem for them. My dad is ok about it.
i have asked them to put £20 in a card. But she keeps asking for more suggestions and then wants me to do the work. I am utterly exhausted.
I have already told my Dad I don’t want anything, just focus on the children. He’s happy with that but my mum keeps asking.

I’ve just asked my mum to pay for me to get my hair done. Can you not do this? Is your sister getting any money from the relative that died?

Your sister seems the main problem OP. Regardless, no Christmas present is a reasonable request by any adult.

I think you have to tell them you're exhausted (maybe not the reason why) and then turn around and tell them consequently you're not up to hosting Xmas. Also, you don't intend to do any more xmas shopping, so a voucher or 'surprise me' would be lovely. If they keep talking about up, refuse to engage and change the subject.

I hadn't really let that sink in from your OP. If your sister is full time carer, then she deserves a day off! I've done the married, two kids, long commute, and I've done the part time carer to elderly parent, and the elder care took it out of me more than the childcare. I don't blame her for wanting one day a year off.

Though absolutely if you've you've had to deal with probate and distribution of assets you must be well in need of a break yourself.

You all sound stressed and unfortunately it becomes tit for tat when parents become elderly and need caring for.

Re the gift I'd just say pick me up a voucher when they're doing their grocery shop for that shop.

Could you get excited about a particular gift set or a book and a bottle of wine? Op is there honestly nothing you like that you can grab easily and get excited over? You sound wrecked, could you get a cheap spa day for yourself or your nails done? They want a family Christmas and your family is the family of the family!

I ask each member of my family what the would like, where it can be bought, colour and size. I would suggest that you do the same for them. It will take time now but it will save on disappointment and wasting time later.

You sound utterly miserable but you are the one living your life so maybe you are entitled to feel miserable. Personally I’d ask what they want to spend , give them one or two ideas and just leave them to it . If they say they want you to order it buy it ask them to transfer the money first - job solved and takes about 5 minutes of your time . If they say anything else just say I told you on x day .

How much care and support does your sister provide your mum? I’m struggling to understand how she’s accused as not doing much when she’s a full time carer for your mother?

I think you ought to put your foot down more with your parents. We have adult children and grandchildren. For Christmases and birthdays we only buy for the grandchildren. Our children are quite happy with this as they don’t have to buy for us so it is fewer presents for them to think about.
I think you have a bigger problem with your family. My parents were not great and consequently I don’t put myself out for my Mum and I didn’t for my Dad when he was alive. You should stop feeling guilty about inviting your parents and tell them it was time your sister did it. Just have Christmas without them. How old are your parents? ( sorry if you have already said). I know people in their 90s who shop online.

If you are doing this you may as well not buy presents and they can get their own with the money they would have spent on you!

A gift voucher?

God, they're just trying to be nice.

Ok, you've got a lot on and you're stressed, but strip it all back and they're just trying to do something kind. Everybody surely has a list of smaller items they wouldn't buy for themselves but would be nice to have? Just note it down on your phone throughout the year and send them that.

Your sister not hosting is a whole other issue.

Disagree.
The sister is likely ND, and is doing the caring for wheelchair-using DM which otherwise the OP would have to do.

The DM is the main problem.

Just tell them you'd like to go out for xmas dinner - next year and you'll book it and they can pay as your xmas present