Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

No you won't be unreasonable.

If they insist, ask for a gift voucher, if your sister can organise an e-voucher online.

Or buy whatever you want and they can transfer the money to you.

Same for your kids.

You're making a bit of a song and dance over it to be honest.

Pretty sure this is just one of the many common issues with elderly relatives!

Same for me....elderly parents (older brother lives with them, poss ND). None of them know how to use the internet so I have to try and remember what shops they have in their local town and think of things they can get me.
I tend to ask for practical things like cosy socks, toiletries, chocolates.
and feel free to ask for things you dont want as well (scarves and gloves will benefit somebody if given to a charity shop and food items can be taken to work or playgroups).

But yes, the frustration is real. Especially when you are given a long list to buy off Amazon for them!!😆
(but honestly it happens once a year so is it really worth getting stressed about?).

I honestly don't know why your so exhausted. Your sister is the full time live in carer for your mum. You live the other side of the country. Can't you give your sister 1 day of a year and actually look after her and your mum. Also regarding the present just message you want a amazon voucher and stop dragging things out and causing others more stress

Can you just ask them for money and tell them you’ll get something after Christmas in the sale?

If you host, ask your mum to get your sister to bring booze, and a dessert/starter/cheese etc - stuff she can just buy and bring. That takes some pressure off you.

As for her sitting on her arse, just put everything on the table and let everyone serve themselves. If you’re cooking for your family anyway, it’s not a huge imposition to add a few more into the mix. Consider hosting your Christmas gift to your sister, who cares for your mum all year - I know I’d far rather do one big stressful day, than be a carer all year round!

Good luck OP!

Tell them you don’t want to buy your own presents anymore so no thank you.
I wouldn’t be inviting them for Christmas dinner either. Time to back off from this disfunction OP.

I get it. It's the lack of considered thought and effort that's the issue. They just want to be able to say they got you a gift, but don't want to put any work into getting it. It shows they don't really care.

Honestly OP, I'd just be telling them that Christmas is cancelled at your house this year and they'll have to fend for themselves again. Then just have a quiet celebration with you and your DH and kids.

I agree with @thestudio and if you're nearing the end of your tether with the whole situation (& I don't blame you one bit!) you've really got nothing to lose.

Otherwise, stick with M&S giftcard and if they ask again repeat: I've already told you we all want giftcards there's nothing more to be said on it so buy them or don't it's up to you but my answer won't change.

Are your parents divorced?
You say you dad lives elsewhere.

How does this work at Xmas? Do they both come on the same day?

Can you try to separate out the stress of selling your relative's house and all of that probate stuff, and Xmas?

Going back to what I suggested earlier- vouchers or transfer of money is best for all of you (you and the kids.) You don't even need buy things in time for Xmas- wait for the sales.

Hosting a meal- how does your mum manage the trip if she's unable to walk far?
Maybe the whole thing needs a re-boot.
On balance, hosting 3 other people for a meal once a year isn't that onerous but I'm puzzled how the logistics work considering their infirmity.

Do they stay with you or do the trip to you there and back in a day?

Is your husband pulling his weight? Why is he not doing the present buying and organising for you and your children?

If you're doing everything that's mainly down to your husband not your elderly parents and sister who is their full time carer that live miles away.

It sounds like you're deflecting blame onto your parents when it's your husband who really ought to be stepping up.

My sister has been lazy her whole life. She never contributed anything in her life. She has lived off my mother and my Dads handouts her whole life. The fact she is now her carer in my eyes is good for her to finally take some responsibility for ‘something’. Almost like a payback to my mum for never really putting any effort into anything. It’s not just from me, others know her history. But, on top of that, my mum is NOT grateful for her being her carer. Complains to me constantly about her which does add pressure and guilt. I know she does a lot for my mum, but in my mums eyes it’s never good enough.
im not blinkered. You just have no idea the depths of dysfunction in my family.

I get what you are saying Op and agree with the above
Even Christmas gifts for YOU are an opportunity for your DM to be the main character and make you feel shit.
A thoughtful small gift is what you are yearning for because it represents her love and care.
Step away, don't expect anything, it's her own childhood wounds she's tending to here.
My own DM would ask me then huff and sigh and eyeroll because she had to then "bother with going to the shops"
Nothing at all would be better than that
She bought me chocolates I'm allergic to ...
Every year 😂
I reframed it as great that's my gift for the neighbours.

@henlake7 how are your family giving you Amazon wish lists if they can't use the Internet? Sounds like they're a bit less helpless than they want you to think!

Tell them you've had an incredibly stressful year and the thing you need more than anything else is time to relax. Ask them to pay for a one-off clean of the house. Provide them with a telephone number of a local cleaning company who does one off cleans so they can arrange it. That way, you have a lovely clean house to enjoy and they might actually start to see how much you've got on.

The run up to Christmas can be hectic and stressful when you're working and have kids so I understand that you're stressed.
Try to think through it logically.
Your Dad doesn't sound too much of a problem.
I think you need to lower your expectations of your sister and drop the resentment.
You acknowledge that you think she might be autistic.
The fact that she's living with your Mum and can take on a lot of the day to day care is going to relieve you of a lot of stress if your Mum becomes more dependent. (She may need your help to liaise with agencies etc. but you're not going to be worrying about day to day issues).
Your Mum sounds more tricky and the nub of the problem seems to be that she gets on your nerves and you have had a tense relationship in the past.
All you can do is be honest and clear with her. Suggest one or two things that you would actually like but if she persists tell her straight that you have a lot on your plate and haven't the headspace to think of anything else-you would rather have no present than have to sort it out!
Re Christmas day-you aren't under an obligation to host every year. You can go out if you want to, it was fine to say they could also come if they wanted to but would have to pay.
If they do visit you can ask your sister for specific help but it might be easier just to leave it.
I don't think there's any chance of your sister hosting everyone at your Mum's so I would forget that possibility and stop resenting it.

Just say No - to everything!

Has your sister ever had a job? When she was young for example?

They want to buy you a gift, Just sent then a couple of pictures of something you like or ask for a voucher.

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. You obviously did, but that is no reason to berate the OP who clearly has a difficult relationship with hers.

Unlike you, some people are relieved when their parents are no longer with them, and mentioning your dead mum and how you would give anything to have her back for one more crazy Christmas is just emotional blackmail.

I think it's time to be clear on what you can and cannot do, otherwise you will get more stressed than is good for your own health. For Xmas, how about suggesting you go there, and buy everything pre-packed, so you can just stick it all in their oven? And for presents - agree with other suggestions re just asking for a voucher.

@ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout

I was lucky in that when my mum could no longer go out shopping on her own, after one year of me driving her to ALL the shops to pick gifts for family she decided even that was 'too much for both of us' and announced that from then on the main gift would be cash in a card + one small trinket or treat 'so everyone has something to open', which I helped her order from Amazon. She had one small box she could wrap for each of us + cards to sign. Everyone (especially me) was happy with that. Would you be happy with that? I know they won't be, but that's not the point. You're the one doing the running around, the decision is yours whether they like it or not.

So you decide and state your 'position'. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain). Just say "This is what I am able to do" and repeat. I think this is a situation of sticking to your guns and an 'uncomfortable year' this year, but then acceptance next year when you offer the same thing.

I hear you OP!
My mum is fit and active and in her late70s. But it is somehow my responsibility to buy her Christmas presents for my family because it’s too stressful/she’s busy etc.
I also don’t want much and my suggestion was refused (I asked for basic car valet) because it wasn’t a suitable Christmas present. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Wine? Perfume? Red letter day? Vouchers to a local pub/restaurant? Surely you can think of something? You live far from your parents/sister so it is normal that they would want to ask you for suggestions.
Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. People want to give gifts to their loved ones at Christmas make a few suggestions and let them have their moment.

OP has a full time job, children and has been caring for another elderly relative who has just died and has been sorting out clearing the house and dealing with Probate.

Her sister has caring duties for her mum but doesn't work outside the home. OP always hosts Christmas and her sister doesn't lift a finger to help. Why on earth would OP look after her sister on Christmas Day?

Her mum won't give OP an Amazon voucher.

I sympathise with having to buy all your families presents. I used to have to do that as well, when my dm was still alive, but the up side of that is you know both you and your children are going to receive something they will like and will fit. In laws never asked and 90% of the time they bought things my kids wouldn’t like or wouldn’t wear (even if it had been the right size, which it rarely was). So most things went straight to the charity shop.

As for the wrapping of presents? Just buy a Christmas gift bag for each of you and shove the pressies in them, job done! If they’re not happy with that, tough!

Well yes, I'm clearly missing something here.

If my dsis was a full time carer for my dm I think I'd happily do a once a year meal for everyone and the drama over choosing a Christmas gift seems excessive too.

I think you need to step up a bit here op tbh.