Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

[ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout]

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

What is crazy about ordering herself something online and telling them to transfer her 50quid? It doesn't actually get much easier surely. The dm isnt able to shop. She needs fulltime care. The dsis sounds like she has enough to contend with.

Order something from Amazon and get them to send you the money… you can choose the delivery adress so you can send said item to them…you can even add paper and card for them to wrap and write.

don’t return items. Open the presents beforehand and if no good, chuck? Give to goodwill?

Maybe, with all the other things she has on her plate, doing this would be the last straw that broke the camel’s back for @ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout, @Gloriia.

Ordering herself something would be too much whilst her dsis is the dm's fulltime carer? I don't think ordering a gift for one's self would be a last straw tbh. Infact she should be offering to do more.

No one can make you feel guilty - you can choose not to allow it to.

If they strop, so what? You can't control how other people react and behave - you don't have to 'take on" their emotions, you can just state your boundaries and leave them to it.

Well - the OP clearly feels differently to you, @Gloriia - so is it unreasonable of her to ask for no present?

Given the year she’s had, I don’t think she is being unreasonable to say ‘no thank you’ to yet another job.

What about a voucher or a cheque and you can get your DC What they like

You are kind

Just order a wine hamper from m and s and have it delivered to your home

My parents are in their 70s, but fortunately are still fully mobile. My mom asks me every Christmas and every birthday what I want. Because we have our grandson full-time I have said to her I would rather her spend what she would spend on me on him. I know she won’t do this and will spend what she wants to do on him plus the equivalent of what she will spend on me as well as getting me something

You need a break and some self care. Find localish hotel with spa day - tell them to buy you a voucher. Simple. If they don’t want to buy on line they can phone up and pay (and all chip in/ contribute). Most are £80-160 depending on day or half day.

... dare to think that "nobody else makes you feel".
Only YOU do that and you can choose differently.

YOU can choose NOT to feel guilty. In this case, it would be a v liberating thing for you to do.

You do not need to 'catch' what other people (in this case, yr parents) 'throw' at you, in the way of guilt-trips that you're supposed to sign up to.

Refuse. Step down. Decide otherwise. You can.

This!

Oh tell me about it
I hate Christmas for the same sort of reason.
my mother Always comes to my house,my sibling is no contact with her so it falls to me and husband. She arrives,plonks herself on sofa and that’s where she stays for two bloody weeks🙄.
it ruins things there is constant tension in the house , my adult child doesn’t spend much time here even though they live here.

I just dread it

Completely agree. My MIL does the exact same thing. Every year we say don’t get us anything. She will keep messaging and phoning about what to get us. It stresses me out! Last year it ended up us having to order and collect the gift ourselves when we also have a lot on our plate with us both working full time. I think it would be easier just to give money or voucher if she is really that hell bent on giving us something. She has asked my husband to order his Xmas present this year. They he will have to collect it and take it round. We already have our own child’s gifts and family’s presents to sort out!

They must either go to supermarket or order online for delivery. So asking for alcohol or toiletries sounds easy. Sounds like they are being awkward on purpose.
Maybe just have Christmas DH and kids again. They don't want to host and neither do you. Don't feel guilty, no one's on their own. You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, it's OK to be nice to yourself.

Her dad can use the internet

I hear you OP and I get your frustration.

I think regarding Xmas day, you should just state that it will be a small immediate family affair this year as doing a big celebration is too much to do. If they don’t like it, then they will have to lump it.
I don’t see why you should have to do it all.

I hear what you say about your DSis, sounds like she’s just had it really easy up until becoming the ft carer for your DM. I think what others have said about getting your mum into respite care and/or get help in once a week so your sister can get some freedom (however she chooses to spend her free time) is a great idea, funds permitting of course (disgusts me how much people have to pay for care). If DSis is ND then it does make sense that she is the way she is/has been.
Would she be interested in an assessment and diagnosis?

I think you need a break and some pamper time.
I’d ask DM for money to put toward a spa day/weekend because that’s what you really would like.
Buy yourself a Xmas card telling you how wonderful you are for her to put the money in.

You’ve had a tough year.
You deserve a break.

What does DH do about all this OP?
Much love 💕

See I have the same issue and I feel the same as OP. I'd rather not get a present.. To me a gift is something you put a bit off thought into and 'gift' someone because you know they will like it. Choosing and ordering your own gifts complete negates the whole point of giving a gift.
Oh and it's not really just a case of ordering your own present. There will be multiple texts about delivery days/times usually whilst I'm at work trying to you know, work. Then you will also be responsible for returns is the gift doesn't fit. It just creates more work for busy mums at an already busy time.