Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

I don't read it this way. I read it as a couple, not married, without the safety net a marriage provides in England.

The OP is on her own and needs to safeguard her savings because the Facto Marriage laws are not implement in the UK. It leaves her in a precarious position if she funds her partner from her savings. Savings she'll never get back if they break up unless in marriage where all assets are taken into account in Family Court.

Genuine question - why does this matter?

I was sympathetic to your DH until you mentioned this:

Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts.

On the basis of this, YANBU.

Is he really doing everything he can to get work, or is he only wanting to do particular jobs?

Has he stepped up to do the bulk of household work and home admin?

I haven't RTFT so if noone has said it this time, great! It comes up pretty often on other threads. It usually starts with something like "my boyfriend says he doesn't believe in marriage, it's just a bit of paper, I don't know if I should accept this or not"... and the comments are filled with people saying, "I've been with my DP for 25 years, never married, never needed to, it doesn't make a difference."

Edited to add - in the time it took me to write this reply, someone has now asked why it matters if he is the OPs DH or not....

@Autumntrees1234 what I his reason for never doing any chores or have you never discussed it?

Because it affects your finances if you split. They are not marital assets. Where is your anger? How come he couldn’t get a part time job whilst applying for a Big Job. How’s he going to explain the gap in his CV. He’s become a Cocklodger. You need to lay down some hard rules if he’s at home all day doing f’ all.

What type of jobs is he applying for?
If I was out of work for a year I'd have seriously considered the industry ) months ago. He needs a stop gap job at least- deliveries, shop work etc. does he think these jobs are beneath him? He now does not have the luxury of being picky.
He should also be doing his fair share at home.

Its not unreasonable for him to suggest you may need instant access to savings, such as if there were a house emergency or repair that you cannot fund from your monthly income.

Moving some of your savings into an instant access account ( they are still some that pay decent interest) is a sensible move and not a sign of nefarious intent on this behalf.

It does say something about your relationship that you think there is some sinister grabby intent behind his suggestion though.

Do not get a job to support this absolutely arsehole of a chancer.
Dump him quick and remove the millstone from around your neck.

He is a CF.

DO NOT REMOVE YOUR SAVINGS FROM YOUR ACCOUNT.

It's not really much of a partnership is it. You were fine with being subsidised when he was the higher earner, but now that you are the higher (the only) earner you resent subsidising him. And now that he has used up all his savings on joint expenses, you're not willing to do the same. The housework is another issue entirely, but financially you are clearly not a team. Do not get married or have children.

She didn't arse around making herself financially dependent on him while waiting for her idea job and telling him he needs to access his savings to maintain this ridiculous situation, did she?

He could go to an agency and get work tomorrow.

Its not actually that easy to get these jobs if you are a high earning profession out of work. You may think these are menial stop gap jobs but to the employer they are core essential jobs and they want to employ someone they think is going to stay in the job longer term. They don't want to employ a professional who is going to bugger off as soon as he can. And they won't.

I know there is a general view on MN that these are crap jobs that anyone can walk into if they want to at any time, but they really aren't.

Your savings =your escape fund. He sounds an entitled lazy so and so. Too high an opinion of himself to do a manual job or housework. Not redeaming qualities. He hasn't grasped the reality of his situation. Out of work and broke. What happens once your savings are gone? Put a stop to it now. Look at the situation clearly... he's not stopping you get a second job...hello?

He’s not working yet does nothing in the house? wtf?!

If she has no access to savings then she is in a precarious position. It's not sensible to have all your savings locked away for months. What will she do if her car dies or she gets a sudden big bill? He has no money left because it's all been spent on their rent so what is she going to do in an emergency when she has no access to money.

YA Both BU.

He needs a job - ANY job.
But you're a partnership, so to refuse to use 'your' money to avoid paying bills etc? Doesn't sit right with me

I assume the OP is at work now and won't return until later.

There's some fantasy here about him taking any old work.

It costs employers a lot to employ someone by the time they've done all the HR stuff.

Maybe not so much for zero hours contracting work. BUT just to repeat, no employer is going to take on someone who's graduate or professional level when they know it's only a temporary stop-gap job. Because they know they aren't in it for the long term.

Okay fair enough if they need seasonal staff but it's December and come January that work will disappear.

There are also plenty of students on holiday now who want Christmas work and employers choose them.

I'm not saying he should turn his nose up at being an Amazon driver or for Ocado, but needs some realism.

Presumably a situation that she has maintained because she is comfortable with it. Not something that needs to change because her lazy boyfriend has run through his own savings.

Could he? What kind of agency and what kind of work?

It's a comfortable position to be in when you have a high-earning boyfriend paying most of the expenses. He ran through his savings on their rent. So his savings are their money but her savings are hers. Like I said, they shouldn't get married or have children because if that is their attitude to finances she'll be the one ending up screwed on maternity or in a divorced.

I think your money is his money and his money is your money if you are married.

You're not married. Why not?

If you decided you didn't want to be married because you don't believe in it or want to remain financially independent from each other, then that's a choice you, or both of you, have made.

If you would have liked to get married but he wasn't keen because he didn't want to share all his money with you, that is also a choice he has made.

In general I am uneasy with the idea of long term partners just leaving each other to sink or swim in situations like this. You should look after each other.

But what is he doing? He's burned through his savings whilst sitting around at home doing nothing? And now he wants you to be the breadwinner whilst also doing everything round the house because he thinks he's too good to get a job stacking shelves?

It's a no from me.

He needs to get a job, any job, and pay his way. And also pick up the hoover.

He's been jobless for a whole year. These are conversations that should have happened from the off. But while he's been sat at home doing no work and no housework, you'd have thought he'd have had plenty of time to think up a plan better than the op blowing through her savings and letting her suggest getting a second job so he can keep up appearances.

Its rarely impossible to access savings in a restricted account- you just lose interest. She doesnt need to release these funds until SHE needs them.

This