Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

90 days account? Does he really not expect to have work - any work - by then?
He fails to contribute towards domestic responsibilities?
He thinks your money is his money?
There is no marriage contract?

Tough love time. Do not sacrifice your savings. You are going to need them.

This sounds like a joyless partnership.

He needs to sign onto an agency, and possibly find a recruiter for his line of work, but at this point, he needs to take whatever agency work is on offer while he continues his job search for a job he wants.

I really would be issuing ultimatums after a year of picking his navel while you work AND keep house... he is currently behaving like a cock lodger.

No. This is not the one. I understand why he would have been resistant to getting any job straight after being made redundant - it's a body blow, but a year? He doesn't want to, he's got it easy. Either he shapes up or you need to bin him off before he takes all your money.

What's he been doing all day? Has he done any courses, volunteering or is he just sat round watching TV/playing games?

Absolutely not. He could get a job quickly by signing up to an agency. There's no excuse.

He can't claim universal credit if living with a partner.

Then you have more than money to address and he needs to be open to others work both inside and outside of the home. Lazy arse

Being married or not makes a difference to how you approach this scenario.

my ExH got made redundant and spent 3 months being a SAHD while i was looking after a terminally sick parent, and then a year doing agency jobs while looking for a permanent position. He was a dick to me, but give him his due, he was a hard worker and always kept the money coming in however possible... and he always did his share around the house too!

The way I read your post is that you are more like housemates. You kept finances separate before and should continue to do so. I assume there are no kids and you are not married. Personally, I would help him with finances but only if he got any job meantime. That is absolutely doable. I am surprised he would want to live like this for a year. Is he unwell?

When he earned more, you were happy for him to subsidise you with extra rent and holidays. When he earned nothing, you had that continue with him burning through all his savings, e em though you must know he can't get benefits because of your income. Now you aren't willing to put in any extra. Meanwhile he has never cleaned the home you both live in, even when he wasn't working. It's not really a partnership, is it? It's easy to stick with someone when there are no major issues, but because you aren't a team then it's all getting a bit transactional when you try to tackle a problem. Time to consider what the relationship is for, and whether it makes sense to continue.

@Autumntrees1234 do not marry this man.... I can understand it taking a long time to get a new job and if he has been applying, interviewing and missing out... but A WHOLE YEAR without lifting a finger in the house?! If you marry or have kids with this cocklodger your life will be much harder and more miserable. Right now you can maintain separate finances and he has no legal claim to anything of yours. That is NOT the same once married....

Triggered 🙄

I look down on people who won't take 'any' job to get some money coming in and think retail, warehouse, driving, hospitality are beneath them.

This time of year he could be working if he wanted - delivery jobs like Evri, Royal mail are run off their feet.

I think OP you are coming to the end of the road with him. It's been a year and he hasn't contributed to the household, he's run down his savings, and now he wants to run down yours.

He sounds deeply unimpressive and I'm not sure this increasing CV gap is going to be doing him any good in his job search either. Most employers would understand that you need to get money coming in, some might even be impressed by the willingness to get stuck in working in Tesco etc.

It absolutely does! I know it's popular on here to say "marriage is just a piece of paper" but it's not! It is a legally binding contract with implications on finances, children, tax, and more.

Not married, no kids, no dice. It's one thing to shout a holiday here and there as a treat but he is asking you to treat him as a dependent.

It’s Christmas lots of hospitality jobs going I find it odd that he hasn’t found snytjing in a whole year
also he had a years worth of savings that’s pretty impressive

how you share and view money is your business if married with kids is shared but he should be doing 💯 of cooking and cleaning volunteering and diy fir your house and family in the last year tha not doing that would make me leave

I think you’re just arguing against yourself now. Not sure what your point is.

After 12 months, DP now needs to take any job he can get. Has he thought about a supermarket delivery job? They pay quite well and you get a staff discount. But he can't be picky after 12 months of unemployment

When I was married I thought that joint finances were better, but having been divorced, if I met anyone now, I would never have joint finances.

You aren't married, your money is your own. If you want to support each other then you could pay more temporarily , but only if he applies for every single job going so that he can earn something.

Chores also need to be split equally when you are both working, and while he is not working, he should be picking up the bulk of it.

You have a very raw deal if you have to work 2 jobs and do all the housework while he does literally nothing. Don't live that life.

Both of you have to think seriously now about where this relationship is going.

I think I’d tell him I’d cover all the bills and he can move out.

A year is a long time to be out of work. I’d not be giving him a penny I'm afraid!
My 16yr old works in McDonald’s PT, £90 a shift…
He needs to get a job, any job and get his arse off the sofa!

You seem to have missed this part of the quoted posted, or you're ignoring it for some reason?
The rent has stayed more or less the same, tiny increase which I pay, all our bills have gone up. So up to now I have probably been paying the same as him and probably more if I added up every thing.

Well this changes everything.

If you were married and finances were joint, in the case of a separation everyone's money, savings and assets would be part of a communal pot. With this in mind I'd have said that despite annoyance at him delaying the conversation, you'd have to have a serious chat about budgeting and work through it together.

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED so none of that applies. You have no obligation to split/share/fund your joint costs (although if yuo share a tenancy agreement you may well have to pay "his" rent). DO NOT use your 90-day savings.

I am annoyed on your behalf in that he's been unemployed for a year, has not been helpful outside of earning, did not want to discuss money while he still had a reserve of his own, and now has put you on the spot expecting to just hoover up your savings. He should have been getting a job, making budget cuts, DISCUSSING FINANCES WITH YOU - instead he has just woken up and decided that he's got no cash left so you can sub him. And to top it off, you say he was not terribly generous when he was earning.

I think it is time for yuo to make some decisions about what you expect from a boyfriend (he's not a legally binding husband) and how far you'd emperil yourself to maintain his lifestyle. Ask yourself if he'd do the same for you.

Except no one has said marriage is just a piece of paper on this thread. That’s why people are advising OP not to marry him.

So even when he is not working, he is still doing any house work. That is really bad. This is something that you need to address with him. Are you happy to possibly marry and have kids with someone who won't do anything in the house?. He won't change after kids. Rethink this relationship. Or maybe he is will earn enough to pay for a house keeper?. This is something you need to discuss in detail.