Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

The availability of jobs really does depend on where you live. Not everyone lives in a town or near big warehouses.

I think that supermarket jobs are dwindling. My local small branch of a supermarket used to generally have one person always on the tills and perhaps two or three others around on the shop floor. More at peak times. Now you can often go in there and find just two people. The Coop and the other chain convenience store often seem to have just one visible member of staff. Customers don’t like it, but more importantly where are those jobs going?

Then there’s the high street. Perhaps he should try for a Christmas job at BHS, Woolworths, Dixons or C&A?

There’s putting yourself out there, sure. But there are also also bigger economic problems.

And yet the DP has suggested OP gets a second job to fund his lifestyle.

But the op's dp seems to think that she could quite easily pick up a second job to carry the load and he was the one who discounted her suggestion to move areas to improve his chances of getting a job.

As a more general comment, I wonder why, in these circumstances, its only the money that is considered and not general resource? ie why is this bloke not taking over all the domestic stuff if he's not bringing in money but has time instead?

You both seem as selfish as the other reading your post. Maybe it's time to split up if you are both unwilling to share.

My dad did this when I was a child. Held on for the professional role he’d lost. He went bankrupt, the family home was repossessed. If he’d got any job the outcome might not have been any different, but at least he would have tried. It damaged my relationship with him forever.

If you're well enough to work and haven't got work in a year then it's because you don't want to work. End of story.

Anyone can start their own business as a cleaner or similar, it takes five minutes to set up a Facebook page and contact people you know to ask them to spread the word or go into local businesses and ask if they have cleaning work.

Doesn't mean you'll have a full time salary equivalent day one, but it shows willing.

If you're not spending 6 hours a day looking for work, volunteering so you have something on your CV, actually trying to start your own business/self-employed work, and not even bothering to do a minimal share of housework in your own home, when you are a physically and mentally capable adult, you're a waste of space.

We hosted a Ukrainian refugee, 58 years old, completely alone, didn't even know the alphabet or anyone when she moved here, came from a background of missiles overhead and running to bunkers in the night after seeing family members die in front of her, and within a year she was employed. Was it minimum wage grunt work yes, was she proud to be earning, yes.

There. are. no. excuses.

In most other cultures it would be be considered the lowest of the low for the healthy man of the household to not be providing for his family. He would be a laughing stock or at best pitied.

It’s a no from me. I wouldn’t be up for this at all. He’ll never get a job! Goodness me! Do not let him spend all your savings. He’ll just have to find a job. You’ll end up resenting him.

He has had many interviews.

But being blunt, taking a job well below your capabilities isn't the godsend some posters think it is when it's on your CV. It's fine for new grads who want any job or work experience, but if he's in his late 20s, 30s or 40s, that's different. On the surface it can show potential employers that he's unemployable in his line of work (in no one wants him).

Self employed cleaners are 10 a penny. My local Facebook site is full of them.
Cleaners need references and a work record to be employable, even in private homes.

I assumed this was your husband and therefore I'd have said I r massively unreasonable! He's being trying to get work and it's 'for better or worse'. I believe spouse's should share he loads.

However, if it's just a partner and you are not living together as husband and wife (ie. Have been living in a committed relationship for a few years and assume you'll share the rest of your lives together, and maybe have children together) then he's being unreasonable.

I employ people all the time in tech jobs who have all kinds of random stuff on their CV. But I never ever hire anyone with long gaps (without an excellent reason, and no covid isn't a reason because I say "what were you doing during covid" and they say "oh...nothing really"). This is because I look for people with a can do attitude, who throw themselves at whatever needs doing, not "I didn't even bother because I decided it was beneath me."

A good work ethic triumphs everything else all the time.

And I don't know where you live or if they're real posts you're seeing, but there's a major shortage of cleaners where I am, they have the pick of all the clients they like and £30/hr isn't uncommon.

If he's had many interviews then he's clearly doing something wrong at that stage, so he should be asking for detailed feedback from them, researching online, practising interview skills, talking to the job centre about practise and techniques.

This, but make it on a month by month basis, so not committing to six months.
I would imagine that as he does no housework etc now, that he won't start doing it just because you've asked him to now. He doesn't see it as his responsibility.
To be honest, he sounds a classic cocklodger.

What agency?

Whatever is local and fits him, there are loads for all kinds of things from warehouses to freelance web design.

There's lots of agencies in every area, I can name 10 off the top of my head in my local area. You can start work immediately, office, factory, warehouse etc. No excuse.

So if I have this right, he hasn't found a job in a year, but suggests you could get a second job, wants to use your savings and on top of that, doesn't contribute to housework.
He is beyond taking the piss.

Whilst he may not have been successful in getting a job he wants, he could I'm sure in the past year, have got something that would have helped bring some money in whilst his search continued. I'd be more inclined to support him financially if he was making some effort to contribute.

In a relationship you have a limited amount of resource: time, emotion, effort, love, money. Sounds like you are using all yours up on both of you, and he's only ever used his on himself. I think you know to throw this one back into the sea OP.

Never mind for yourself, I think you need to be cruel to be kind for him at the point too.

My friend's DH lost his well-paid, high-profile job ten years ago through no fault of his own. A new big boss came in and wanted his own team essentially. He got a year's pay but didn't take it well at all. Couldn't cope with the loss of status, fancy car, access to top restaurants etc.

Since then he's been involved in many start-up type businesses but has earned very little and totally refuses to take a salaried job. DP is furious with his friend, the DH, saying he should have got ANY job long, long ago. The marriage is about to end.

Your DP needs to get back into work.

Look, I too think that he should be being more flexible in his approach, if he is not already being flexible, but all of these agencies with loads of open vacancies on their books are just a myth. Low skilled and unskilled jobs are dwindling, no agencies exist for freelance web design, because platforms such as Fiverr have driven down prices, and a whole load of clerical and secretarial jobs that used to be great for temping just do not exist any more. Even call centres are shrinking.

He might be selfish and lazy.

It is a tough job market, especially if you’re older.

There are bigger economic problems.

**
I don’t disagree with you, but all these things can be simultaneously true.

Well if you were a man asking if his wife was being unreasonable asking him to spend his nest egg on daily expenses you’d get short shrift. Family money and all that.
Still I’m guessing he’s not a SAHP, just unemployed, so that may not be a fair comparison.

And I don't know where you live or if they're real posts you're seeing, but there's a major shortage of cleaners where I am, they have the pick of all the clients they like and £30/hr isn't uncommon.
If he's had many interviews then he's clearly doing something wrong at that stage, so he should be asking for detailed feedback from them, researching online, practising interview skills, talking to the job centre about practise and techniques.

The cleaners are genuine- it's my local Facebook group .

You need references. Would you welcome someone into your house to clean with no references or any recommendations from other clients? No.

The point about feedback from interviews i agree with- I said that several pages back.

can he not do some agency work in the meantime if the application route isn't working?

doing nothing for a year is hard going on both of you.

This really. It's time for a bit of a come to Jesus meeting at your house. He's been too proud to take any work to shore up his savings and you've continued to live life as before content to let him burn it out entirely. You should have had a conversation with him much earlier given your mutual dependence on each other for bills and housing.

The housework is just icing on the cake really but indicative of his lack of respect for you and your savings. I would treat that as a separate issue.

1. It's a No to dipping into your savings. They are long term security for you and you may well need them in the way he has had to use his.
2. If you are staying together and you are doing the heavy lifting on the rent he needs to get any job going so he is contributing.
3. What can you actually afford together on one income? Do you need to serve notice on your house/apartment.
4. What can you afford to rent if you are renting solo?

Why are you misrepresenting what OP said?

He ran through his savings paying HALF the rent. OP says they paid 'fifty fifty proportionally' and that actually she has been paying for more since he lost his job.

And when he was the higher earner he was paying a third more to the expenses. But that's not what he's asking OP to do here. He wants her to pay for EVERYTHING whilst he sits on his arse at home doing no housework.