Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

Keep your savings OP.

The job market is brutal, that's for sure, but there are jobs if you're prepared to lower your sights and keep applying. There should be retail jobs at this time of year, or even Amazon delivery driving or food delivery.

Was it a joint decision not to get married?

Yes, I’m sure his employers were impressed. My DH is an electronics engineer…he also along the way got a forklift truck license, an electrician’s qualification and an air conditioning qualification from City and Guilds which the employer paid for. His logic was if he ever was out of a job, he had some ready skills to earn some money. Heck, DH could retire now and he still likes to work!

OP, really, your guy needs to do something, and this business about leaving your dirty dishes in the sink is pants. Would a job coach help? If he went to university, can he go to career services there as an alumni/get some tips on a c.v. I’m not saying the latter to be insulting…sometimes unis have internal adverts for jobs.

So basically the relationship has always been unbalanced with him taking advantage of you and its only really now that you are totally sick of it.

I'd be sick of it too. Even if he did all the housework it would be minimal if there's only 2 of you. How hurtful that he wouldn't make the effort.

He could be working part time which would allow him to continue job hunting or doing agency work. He is in this predicament due to his own choices.

I hope that you are reconsidering your future.

The son of a good friend is a trained chef. He worked as a cook for many years, putting up with unbelievable hours. He changed careers with the birth of his first child because he wanted to be a part of his child upbringing.

He's been a forklifter for a few years now. He gets better pay and the standard hours he needed for his family.

Today's job market means taking the job with the highest pay packet, even if it's not what you trained for or the job you want from your university degree an experience.

So, having sat on his arse for a year and spent “his” savings ( I bet they weren’t called “our” savings then were they ) he now wants to dip into yours. I think not.

There is an old saying “any port in a storm”, and I think that in his case this could be updated to “ any job in a financial crisis”. He is seriously endangering your financial security, and for your own sake you need to stand firm.

So, I assume he didn’t claim any benefits (UC etc) due to his savings? I am thinking this was a bit unwise as he could have claimed provided savings were under a certain amount (or once his pot reached that mark). As it is now, I would suggest claiming UC immediately - if he calls today he has 30days to complete it and it will be calculated from today.

Once you know how much he will receive, then the fair thing is for you to top up from there? He has been paying the rent, from which you’ve benefitted, out of his savings for a year so I personally think it is fair you pick up some of that now - BUT he has to do his bit in the house and go and do a job retraining/back into work programme to make sure it is only for a short period.

I am wondering whether he might have some low level depression/loss of confidence that is undermining his job seeking efforts, so a back to work programme and a check in with the GP/counselling might help?

AS your DP cleared his savings to pay his way with bills etc. , I don't understand why you're so against using yours .

However , have a talk with him , as he really should be doing more around the house .

There are lots of job vacancies in all fields. If he's any good, recruiters will be bending over backwards to find him a job.

I agree he might have to think outside the box, but other PPs are right by saying he won't be employed way below his training level because employers will know it's just a fill-in role till he finds something better.

I had a stint after graduating when I wanted 'any job' and was rejected on the basis of being over qualified.

It has just been Black Friday and it’s the run up to Christmas. Anyone without employment at this time of year doesn’t want employment

Why didn't he start working at a supermarket as Christmas staff. My son was made redundant one September. He started at Amazon the following week and worked the Christmas period whilst applying for jobs he actually wanted.

This is honestly just the base line.

It’s tough out there, but when he says at interview he’s been sat at home for a year job hunting that’s not going to demonstrate to employers he’s proactive.
If he instead could tell them, he’s taken on x job to keep the bills paid - but he’s really enjoyed it because he’s learnt (x/y/z) soft skills which translate to this role because…
He’d present as a far more interesting candidate.

I’d tell him, you’re not accessing your savings, he needs to get a job and chip in. Otherwise you’ll be in this situation when your cash runs out, except then you’ll be working and have nothing to show for it.

So he’s yet another cocklodger?

He hasn’t worked for months, does no housework, and his answer to financial problems is that you get ANOTHER job or use your precious savings.

You are coming across as a mug, sorry to say it.

He could easily have got a Christmas job delivering parcels or something. I wouldn’t bother with him a second longer.

What is your housing situation?

I agree. But if recruiters are not coming up with a job in a year, he needs to rethink his job and what he can do to apply to jobs outside his area of expertise to bring an income.

He won't know if he's overqualified until he go for those the jobs.

Quite! My son in law was out of work and managed to get a job as a chauffeur plus as this dried up got hours in Tesco up to Christmas and has a job to start on January 2nd as a bus driver! His income is down for a few weeks but he's getting something and will get a good wage once trained.

So he’s not been working but has done bugger all round the house?

Thats completely unfair and he should’ve picked up all the household jobs. What’s he been doing with his days? He can’t have been filling out applications all day everyday

My next door neighbour and his wife run a travel agency in our local town. During covid his wife continued to work for the business processing refunds etc because no one could travel. They needed money to live on so he got a job as a tesco delivery driver. He loved it. Each morning he turned up, got a van and a list of deliveries to work his way through. Guaranteed money, limited hassle, generally pleasant people at the destinations. He still does it now . Once you're established you sign up fir as many hours as you want so he still works with his wife in their business as well. Your partner could have been doing this for a year without it affecting his ability to look for jobs ge feels are worthy of his fabulousness.

I feel sorry for him because he definitely doesn't want to be out of work and it's making him unhappy
Stop this immediately!

I had a career break to have DC, when I was ready to return to work there was nothing in my field at the level I left. I could have spent a year plus waiting or applying for jobs at that level and got nothing. Or I could have done what I did, which was apply for anything and everything with the hours I needed. Guess what? I had interviewed for several positions and been offered a job within the month (which I accepted). My pay has risen 3 times in a 2 year period at the job I took!

Oh and another guess what? While I was job hunting I did everything at home, all the chores, dealt with bills and cooked all meals DH’s dinner and lunches included! His behaviour is completely unacceptable!

As others have said, OP, the issue isn’t the money but the fact that he does nothing. I honestly couldn’t be with someone who, particularly when not working, didn’t do housework or cooking of their own volition. It’s downright misogynistic to assume the woman should do those tasks, not to mention lazy and disrespectful. All of which are highly unattractive qualities.

But OP did say he'd had a number of interviews over the year and had been rejected.

This suggests his interview skills might need improving.

Without her saying what work he does, it's hard to advise.

I have two close friends who are always recruiting (graduate roles in large companies) and they just cannot find good candidates.

Often it's the softs kills part of the interview where they fail, or now, too many expect (and demand) to be able to work 100% from home when the roles aren't for that.

He needs feedback on why he's not being offered roles and also focus on his transferable skills.

Is he receiving job seekers allowance? I’m not sure why you won’t answer that, so I’m assuming he doesn’t. Which is crazy!

You literally called him DH in your OP ffs.

@BeeDavis OP has said she couldn't change her wording and has apologised, a few pages back.

Just to add to my previous post, if my partner pulled his weight, including stepping it up further when he wasn’t working such that it was a true partnership, I’d give him the money. This guy is absolutely not worth it and frankly you shouldn’t risk giving him your savings.

The OP also clearly said:

"I think he's holding out for a job he really wants rather than any job to bring in some money.

Reading all the OP posts helps to understand her situation.

I feel sorry for him because he definitely doesn't want to be out of work and it's making him unhappy

But not unhappy enough to take a job that is beneath him? Happy for you to take a second job in addition to doing all the domestic work?
He needs to be applying for anything at all just to fill the gap. Its also easier to get into a job from a job - a prolonged period of being unemployed doesn't look good on anyone's CV unless there is a good explanation, especially when there is so much casual work in the run up to Christmas.

At the very least he should be managing the housework/cooking so that he is making a meaningful contribution whilst out of work.

For heavens sake do not marry this man. He plainly has no concept of what being a partner actually means.