Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

So he used all his savings to pay his half of the bills out with the bills and now used them up and trying to get a job you won’t help out paying until he’s back on his feet again? Really!!
If on the other foot I wonder how would that feel? Ummmm….
You say I really worked hard for my savings what and he didn’t work hard for his savings but he choose to pay his half of the bills when he could …..
i would advise him to run like hell and get out of this relationship as clearly you don’t really like him!!

I guess as you've shared with your boyfriend about money you've saved, invested etc he's aware of what you have and wants access to it now he's fallen on hard times...best to choose what to share going forward, moreso as you arent married to him...🙏

Not necessarily. We've been together for over 30 years and not hitched. Longer than most family and all friends who have all been divorced etc within a few years of their 'perfect, forever marriage'. We have both separate and shared bank accounts, each look after the other in hard times, of which we have had lots. We both had had enough of our parents marriages and our childhood responsibilities to be put off the so called norms in society, lots of 💩and zero reward was our families experience.

I can't tell from your posts whether he is secretive and lazy or depressed and lethargic.

Springing the 'you need to now pay for everything' on you is ridiculously self-centred and disrespectful. That and the housework issue would be a massive red flag for me.

He doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you but is happy to let you take responsibility for everything.

what does DH stand for?

This.

This was going to be my reply. Applying for a job you're qualified for can take time so meanwhile he could take anything just to earn some money.

Does he get UC?

I agree having your own savings aren't what you want to use to fund him and seems the other way round he wouldn't do the same.

Tricky one! X

However, this man has foolishly spent some of his savings on joint holidays.
In for a penny in for a pound.
It's interesting as soon as relationships hit a bump such as this, the advice is to abandon ship immediately.

I have lived life. As a 60 yr old with life experience my gut feelings are:

1. He should be pulling his weight and helping out at home while looking for work
2. what is his trade, work experience? Could he freelance, go self employed, do contract/agency work to assist with bill paying?

You are unmarried. He wants the commitment of a married partner, but is he being truly fair minded? is he being fair. From what you are saying, I think not. As a unit - we support each other… is he someone yhat you trust? What does your gut feeling rtell you?

reading this, I sense someone who is being taken advantage of.

If you aren't willing to share your money with this man, then why are you sharing a life with him?

And if you do want to share a life with this man, then I cannot understand why sharing your money should be problematic.

Goops wrong thread

Separate money is such a middle class luxury. There's been so many times in my life where I had to share money with the partner I lived with at the time, because we were dirt poor, we had to mind every item of spending to put food on the table and money in the gas meter, it simply wouldn't function to try and keep money separate.

Well you could say if he isnt willing to share the domestic tasks, why is he expecting her to share her money with him.

Seems like the sharing all goes one way......

Leave him
What a free loader. He will bleed you dry. Get out now

Yes. You could. I wouldn't want to share my life with someone who wouldn't do their fair share.

But then they money is irrelevant.

Interesting

anyone seen the thread where the woman is out of work (on Mat leave) and the man is begrudging paying and even treats the payments as a loan.

this seems to be the opposite way round. Many seem keen that the op doesn’t share when I think that thread was overwhelmingly against not sharing.

I can't understand why, if he was paying 30% more than you when he was working + paying for you joint holidays, why you wouldn't have had a conversation about paying more than him while he was looking for work and had no income.. surely this is just something you would do to support each other as a couple?

This 'I'm alright jack' mentality really puzzles me tbh. It is like of the other post today with the man trying to recoup money the woman 'borrowed off him' when she couldn't afford to keep up with 'her half' of the bills while she was on maternity, he really thinks she should have paid half even though she only had a fraction of her income coming in!

Fuck him on the housework though, why any woman would tolerate this, much less enter into a serious relationship with, baffles me, especially seeing as he has been out of work for a year and still does fuck all round the house.

You should break up.

He sounds like a pig...."Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes."
I don't believe domestic partnership or marriage is a reason for one grown-ass, earning-age, fully-able adult to sponge off another. He's in a relationship with you, not your bank account. If he was physically disabled, you were married and he had had a shared attitude towards his own money when things were going well for him, then I would say it would be your turn to take a shift as bread-winning. However none of these things are true. I would cut and run. He can find someone else to baby him financial or get his act together professionally. I'm amazed there are so many people saying you're unreasonable - they must be fully funded by their partners and out of touch with how hard bread-winning is. Cut and run and find yourself someone who is a team-player when it comes to finances (and domestic tasks). You can definitely do better that this guy.

He should at least be cooking cleaning and grocery shopping.

Funny that isn't it...

Wait, so you’re working, doing all the housework, while he sat around using up his savings all year and now sees the solution to financing his neverending job search of either using up your savings or YOU getting another job!?! Er nope!

A big firm no from me. I'd end it too, he thinks you're an easily manipulated mug.

After 6 months at the latest, he needed to be getting any job he could to bring in money and be pulling his weight around the house throughout.

I don't believe he couldn't find some work if he wanted it. He essentially decided to take a year off (and took the p*ss with housework) because he knew you'd simply do it.

He's now taking the absolute p*ss by asking you to fund his now established "lifestyle" which I think you should assume will continue until all your savings have gone. He thinks you'll do that too. Waiting until the last minute to apprise you of the financial situation is deliberate manipulation; he's pushed you into a corner and thinks you'd rather to use your savings to keep the peace, much like the housework, rather than draw the line. He'll say emotional stuff like "It's our money" to get what he wants.

OK with that? If you needed telling, he's being grossly offensive.

Whatever monies he needs right now are his own issue. Suggest he goes to his friends, family or bank for a loan to meet his obligations and if he can't pay, then he can't live with you.

In this instance her contribution to the household is parenting their baby - the partner should back them both financially during this period. Maternity leave is still labour and doing the partners share means that footing the bills is the least he can do. There is no comparison between maternity leave and a year bumming around like the man in this post.

Ofcourse he should get a job, any job that brings in money. But we are only getting one side of the story. As partners l think you should work together, supposed to be a team.

Do you know what proportionally means? Clearly they didn’t pay 50/50 they paid based on their relative salary’s. He also paid for holidays. It seems the op was happy to use his money for holidays, but now it’s a case of, what’s his is ours, but what’s mine is my own!