Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

But I wouldn't be crying for anything of his... thats the WHOLE point.

I have my money, I don't want his. He has his. That is literally the entire point of keeping it all simple and separate.

I didn't marry him to be a bloody gold digger and feel zero entitlement to his pension etc... I certainly won't cry and demand money thats not mine and its bizarre people even think like that.

I'll never understand couples who do not financially support one another- It's abusive. What's more, it's legally half his if you are married. What if it was the other way around? Or does this only apply when it's a man who needs money? What would you do if he financially supported you?

I'm sorry, but I think it's disgusting he's used yours and his money for the past year, and now it's all gone you will not use -yours and his- money to play your part. It's disgusting you can see he is struggling and would rather you both ended up with bad credit. It will bite you, too. Poor guy. Do you actually love him!?

The only bizarre behaviour here is yours - Scrooge.

I wouldn't hesitate....He is your husband , l cannot believe what l have just read. You share both the good and, bad times. How sad you feel resentment towards him, asking for help.

Is this post a genuine post? There's so many weird holes in it, and such a lack of concrete info that I can't help but think you are taking the P with a fake post. You seem to have left lots if crucial info out , or perhaps it's just a really vague and not particularly well written post. First, you call him DH and then it transpires he isn't your husband. Then you say that he used to earn loads but you split everything "50/50 proportionally" - what does that even mean? Then you add in much later that he is doing nothing in the house in terms of housework. You haven't written if you have children or not. And is he on benefit or not. Then you write that he suggests 'you can get a job'. When someone Then asks if neither of you are working you then say you are working full time but can get another job. As if anybody on this earth wouldn't work or do the housework and suggest instead to the partner working full time already that they get a second job. You're either a fake post or just totally incapable at writing a post with the relevant info. I mean, do you even have children? How has he used Al his savings in one year when he was earning 'loads' as well? And apparently paying 50%

You've referred to him as your DH which means dear husband hence people presuming. marriage

"I will cover all the bills if you cover all of the housework. Here is a list of everything I do in the house, you need to do it as you are at home all day. You sign on to get JSA and sign up to agencies to get any sort of work in the meantime. Until that happens, I will not cover everything"

Harsh but needed. He is navel gazing and contributing nothing, that HAS to stop.

You referred to him as DH (darling husband) so you can see why we concluded you are married 🙄 I think YABU because what choice is there assuming that he has genuinely been seeking work and the bills have to be paid. That is unless you are prepared to separate from him.

I would certainly be having a conversation with him about his view of ‘his money’ when he earned more than you, but it sounds like you weren’t on your uppers at the time, whereas he is. If he has used up his savings to pay his way. What more should he do? Maybe you need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. It doesn’t seem as if you see it as a true ‘team’, with each being there for each other when times are difficult!

If you aren't married then of course YANBU. Getting married means pooling your finances for better or for worse and most certainly whichever partner is bringing in more money it all gets shared. It was confusing that you called him DH in the OP.

Absolutely you should ring-fence your own resources now for the time being.

The question is - is he just a boyfriend or is he a genuine partner? Do you have kids together? If this is a partnership then maybe you might need to subsidise him because he won't be entitled to any benefits for as long as he is living with you, but the flip side of that is that he cannot expect to be subsidised for long and will have to take whatever unpleasant minimum wage job is available rather than waiting around for a well-paid perfect opportunity. If he's just a boyfriend and can no longer afford the lifestyle he wants then he may need to move out because you don't need a cocklodger in your life.

I left my old job last year , I had some money in my account to cover a couple of months. I applied and got a job working for Royal Mail over Christmas , night shift . It wasn't a long term plan but we needed my wage. I’m now in another job, have been for 8 months
There are jobs out there, seasonal jobs, so you can work if you want too
I don't understand why people aren't working, I have kids so I could do the school run whilst working nights. My DH works shifts so you make it work .

No he isn't her husband, the OP corrected this in her second post and asked MNHQ to edit the post for her.

Its like cancel the bloody cheque.

Sharing good and bad times works both ways - after a year on his backside being picky about jobs, he still does nothing around the house whilst expecting OP to work, do all the domestic chores and now find a second job. Try reading the OP's posts.

He needs to pull his finger out and take any job he can get until something better is available. He also needs to pull his weight at home.

My DH and I have separate accounts and always have done. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills and a joint contingency/savings account which child benefit is paid into and we pay into for anything that could potentially go wrong with the house or car. We pay a percentage of our monthly wage into the joint account and bung a couple of hundred in the contingency/savings account. What we both have left over is our own and I have my own personal savings account alongside my current account as does he. I don’t like being floated, ask for pocket money or having to ask for things or defend my spending. DH does add extra to savings as he is in a heck of a lot more money than me and pays for bits here and there because of that. I wouldn’t want my own savings to be dished out either, if money from the joint savings that we both put into helped out in the meantime fine, not my personal pot as I don’t earn as much and that is my money which I’ve worked for and saved. There are plenty of jobs he could take surely? Anything to bring a wage in. It may not be megabucks but he needs to get past that and do something. He shouldn’t be asking you to bail him out.

You need to talk to him about that and how you feel

If you’re not married I think it’s your choice. If you were married I’d say really you’d have to share money with him or end the marriage.

Supermarkets are taking extra staff on for Xmas, so after a year of no work he should be applying to each one. Better to get a job from being employed than unemployed, even a stop gap type of job. You need a serious conversation. How this pans out will let you know about whether you want to be with him long term and he needs to know you're thinking that.

I find the whole my money/your money thing is a marriage really strange personally. I’m not currently working due to ill-health but if my husband said he’d “lend” me money on the proviso of getting it back then that would make me question our relationship tbh. Everyone is different I guess.

But also understand why you wouldn’t want to use the 90 day savings unless you need to.

Why isn't he doing anything around the house?

They aren't married.

Big big difference.
She would be spectacularly foolish to spend HER savings on a man who has sat on his arse for a year.

They’re not married. Calling him her DH has caused a lot of unnecessary confusion and irrelevant responses.

I don’t care what anyone says, being married does make a difference, it changes the perception of what should be in a marriage versus just living together.

What’s the point of a partnership if you can’t prop each other up when you need to? I couldn’t live tit for tat like this.

If he's not working he needs to pick up the bulk of the domestic chores. Its unfair to expect you to work all day then come home to laundry, dirty dishes and deciding what to cook.
Secondly, its Christmas. If he was earning a lot before then he must be educated. Supermarkets, delivery companies, Uber all need people at Christmas. Around where I live people are always asking for cleaners and gardeners, it can't be that hard to find something. If his savings have run out then he needs to look at those sorts of options instead of asking you to pay for everything and use your savings too.

Depends on your financial history together. Is he extravagant in his spending habits? or is he normally generous etc. Or a selfish person? All these things add up to the verdict. He can get the dole for 6 months which is just about enough to cover food etc.

Me too

Hi.
Go with your gut. Keep your savings, and say no. He’s had long enough to find a job and too proud to accept anything, but happy for you to bank roll him.

I think you made one big mistake. Your not married, have separate bank accounts and always have had, so WHY does he know what you have in savings? Separate accounts are private and should be kept that way in my opinion.