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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is my money his money?

485 replies

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

OP posts:
Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 03/12/2024 13:23

I don't think he's entitled to your savings married or not. It might sound shitty but let's face it. You'd be fucked if you used your savings as would he if roles were reversed.

Tell him to shape up or fuck right off. He's not above any job that's out there and he needs to get out of that mindset.. he's had a year dossing at home doing sweet fuck all - time to grow up and pick up the responsibilities hat again. If he doesn't, be glad you haven't married him .. easier to get him to fuck!

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 13:44

LondonPapa · 03/12/2024 12:44

He has been contributing and now he is broke. He has actively tried to find work, he hasn't been successful so now you are punishing him further by not supporting him in the short-term.

If I were your other half, I'd be considering my options as to sustain my share with savings until I'm broke while searching for work and then not being given a temporary lifeline from the woman I thought I'd be with until die (married or not), through thick and thin, is quite the shock.

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How is a year 'short term'? He can get work, he can't afford to be choosy.

Locutus2000 · 03/12/2024 14:12

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:32

By accident really but I can't edit my OP.

Show quote history

MNHQ can if you contact them.

SalsaLights · 03/12/2024 14:22

LondonPapa · 03/12/2024 12:44

He has been contributing and now he is broke. He has actively tried to find work, he hasn't been successful so now you are punishing him further by not supporting him in the short-term.

If I were your other half, I'd be considering my options as to sustain my share with savings until I'm broke while searching for work and then not being given a temporary lifeline from the woman I thought I'd be with until die (married or not), through thick and thin, is quite the shock.

Show quote history

He's been out of work for a year - that's not short term.

He's also being a bit choosy about his job applications, which he cannot afford to do given how long he's been out of work. Do you think it's reasonable to be picky about what he applies for when he's been unemployed for 12 months?

If you were OP's partner would you also be sitting on your backside not doing any housework? And demanding she hand over her life savings when you have previously never shared your finances?

Helpingifican · 03/12/2024 15:56

housethatbuiltme · 03/12/2024 12:20

Nope... thats how financial abuse happens and is terrible advice.

Each half of a marriage should have their own savings, in fact the partner doesn't even have a right to know about it. Do you know how many people can't flee abuse because their savings are drained by their partner?

My DH debt is not really my business, I have never had any debt in my life but he has car payments, student loan repayments, credit card payment... all under his name and all his problem.

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Thats ok if it works for you. Everyone has their own views regarding financial situations in marriage. My DH has always been the bigger earner. We have a joint account & any other savings accounts etc belong to us both equally.He wouldn't have it any other way & it's one of the things I admire about him. I'd do the same if I was the bigger earner.

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 16:21

@housethatbuiltme that's ideologically great, but you're married. It comes with financial ties. If you divorce and assets are divided you're financial assets & debts are assessed. As OP said she was and then wasn't married (?) who knows for her!
If unmarried and he goes into debt it's not part of a marriage, and if they go their separate ways, they're not financially tied by marriage. Originally she said she was married.
The financial separation of a married couple is far more expensive and time consuming than the divorce paperwork. My divorce only cost about £400 years ago, but I'd feel sad if I think about the money lost of financial separation part, (so I try to forget about it and ours was fairly straightforward).
When advising people that their advice is wrong, RTFT.

Helpingifican · 03/12/2024 16:22

Also, I'd hate the idea of sitting down together & working out who is paying for what & who is owed something on a particular month, especially if children are involved. If it works for you that's a choice. It's wrong to say its terrible advice for all married couples to equally share their finances & fiancial responsibilities if they are both happy with this lifestyle.

daleylama · 03/12/2024 19:02

Meadowfinch · 03/12/2024 11:22

OP, all joking aside, he can find a job if he wants to.

I'm a single mum. I was managed out of my job in August, aged 61. I have a son to feed and a mortgage to pay. No handy partner to pick up the bills. No family. No-one coming to my rescue.

Previously with a salary of £55k, I applied for everything in my sector on £24k upwards. I also signed up with two agencies. It took me eight weeks to find a new job. It's amazing what imminent loss of home and son's school can do for motivation.

You need to have a really blunt conversation. Tell him to get off his arse, find someone in marketing to assess and reformat his CV and his covering letters, and broaden his search. Ask the job centre for an interview mentor.

And introduce him to the hoover and the loo brush. He's not contributing anything to your joint life and needs to understand how that will end..

Kudos to this poster, she's a perfect example to put to your chap.

housethatbuiltme · 03/12/2024 19:08

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 16:21

@housethatbuiltme that's ideologically great, but you're married. It comes with financial ties. If you divorce and assets are divided you're financial assets & debts are assessed. As OP said she was and then wasn't married (?) who knows for her!
If unmarried and he goes into debt it's not part of a marriage, and if they go their separate ways, they're not financially tied by marriage. Originally she said she was married.
The financial separation of a married couple is far more expensive and time consuming than the divorce paperwork. My divorce only cost about £400 years ago, but I'd feel sad if I think about the money lost of financial separation part, (so I try to forget about it and ours was fairly straightforward).
When advising people that their advice is wrong, RTFT.

My DH debts which effect me in no way will have no bearing on me divorced or not. I am not going to be ordered by a judge to pay off his student loans, his car repayments or his credit cards that I am not named on and have no access too etc...

Even when married you have separate debts.

TiramisuThief · 03/12/2024 19:42

daleylama · 03/12/2024 19:02

Kudos to this poster, she's a perfect example to put to your chap.

Show quote history

I thought the same. That's exactly how to deal with a sudden job loss.

Ops partner has not dealt with his unemployment with anything like the same urgency.

Mickey79 · 03/12/2024 19:47

Are there any shared children?

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 19:53

Oh for god sake… everyone voting YNBU would t be if the female was the unemployed one.

SalsaLights · 03/12/2024 20:02

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 19:53

Oh for god sake… everyone voting YNBU would t be if the female was the unemployed one.

Disagree - I have seen quite a few threads on MN where the OP has bemoaned the fact that her partner has asked her to work or start contributing, and she's been handed her arse on a plate by hundreds of posts telling her to get a job.

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2024 20:05

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 19:53

Oh for god sake… everyone voting YNBU would t be if the female was the unemployed one.

No we wouldn't. Did you even read the post?

Let's reverse shall we?

His partner (unmarried) has not worked in a year. Nor does she ever do anything in the home.
She has asked him to dip into his savings to support her. There is no sign of a job on the horizon or that she intends to do her share in the home.

Nope. She can fuck right off.
Man or woman, makes no difference

Threelittleduck · 03/12/2024 20:16

I'm not sure why everyone thinks there are loads of jobs about. Only a fee weeks ago my DD had been out of work for months. She started off applying for jobs she wanted but was then applying for anything, cleaning, retail, care work but got nowhere. Finally she did get a job she wanted but it wasn't easy.
Surely if he's going for lots of interviews and applying he's trying. He can't contribute if he's got no money.
Housework is a separate thing. Tell him if he's home all day he does the housework. Tell him he's responsible for cooking in the evening.
I find your posts a bit confusing tbh. You are annoyed he's not contributing and isn't working, you don't want to support him financially. Then you say you love him and feel sorry for him. Surely if you love him you'd be happy to support him until he's working again.

Fraaahnces · 03/12/2024 20:36

He can pull beers, drive an uber, deliver meals, work at Mc Donald’s, etc.., there are loads of jobs. He doesn’t have the luxury of waiting for the perfect one because he has no fucking savings.
He can’t sit on his arse like the princess and the pea referring to the OP’s money as “ours” when he doesn’t lift a finger all day.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2024 20:55

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:25

In marriage the finances need to be shared to a degree. Do you want him to go into debt? Would you consider leaving him?

Paying all the bills is one thing. Paying for his coffees or visits to the pub or hobbies is another thing entirely.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 03/12/2024 21:07

If he says 'yes we could do that or I could get a job...' my first question would be 'Why haven't you then?' He sounds lazy, and appears to have turned into a cocklodger OP. If you own your home, then I would put it on the market, that might be enough to galvanise him. Or, if you rent, start looking for something cheaper, and give notice, if you don't want to be bailing him out for EVER!! Personally, I can't help wondering if he's actually even employable, after a year off without managing to land a job of some sort.

tediber · 03/12/2024 21:24

My money is his and his is mine. We've always been that way even years before we were married. Why, because we are a team and I'd never see him struggling or him me.

To be fair though after a year or even way before I'd be like wtf. This is ur real problem! I'd be expecting him to go out and do anything to earn money, just eat takeaway deliveries, courier job. Are those jobs not fairly easy to get as I think some are technically self employed.

He also shld be doing pretty much everything household related!

mathanxiety · 03/12/2024 22:29

Threelittleduck · 03/12/2024 20:16

I'm not sure why everyone thinks there are loads of jobs about. Only a fee weeks ago my DD had been out of work for months. She started off applying for jobs she wanted but was then applying for anything, cleaning, retail, care work but got nowhere. Finally she did get a job she wanted but it wasn't easy.
Surely if he's going for lots of interviews and applying he's trying. He can't contribute if he's got no money.
Housework is a separate thing. Tell him if he's home all day he does the housework. Tell him he's responsible for cooking in the evening.
I find your posts a bit confusing tbh. You are annoyed he's not contributing and isn't working, you don't want to support him financially. Then you say you love him and feel sorry for him. Surely if you love him you'd be happy to support him until he's working again.

She can love him very deep down but simultaneously feel very annoyed that he's taking the piss. Love doesn't mean you turn yourself into a mug.

savethatkitty · 03/12/2024 22:34

Nothing says 'unattractive' more than a man child who doesn't want to work, is lazy & expects to be funded by someone else.

Enough4me · 04/12/2024 00:12

@housethatbuiltme your DH debts reduce his total capital. In a divorce settlement your capital is compared with his in a settlement to reach a fair conclusion. In effect, if he has a massive pension you'd benefit, sadly it sounds like your DH has significant debt which likewise affects you both financially (he'll need a fair amount of capital after a divorce). You can cry to a judge that you want more from a settlement, but you can't pretend he has more capital (so you take more away) when he clearly has debts.
Thems the breaks in marriage!

Enough4me · 04/12/2024 00:13

@mathanxiety RTFT

uptheculdesac · 04/12/2024 06:50

OP so let me get this straight, he said YOU could get another job and you have applied for a couple?

Did I read that right?

He wants you to work a second job and do all the housework and pay for everything whilst he applies only for jobs he really really wants?

Is this what you mean he is expecting?

Meadowfinch · 04/12/2024 08:47

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 19:53

Oh for god sake… everyone voting YNBU would t be if the female was the unemployed one.

@Anotherworrier That would be true if it was a couple of months and he was going for everything available. But it's been a year and he's doing very little. Very different