Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

He is your boyfriend. Of course he is being unreasonable expecting you to use your savings so he can continue job hunting for another year or more.

Very entitled of him.

So if I have this right, he hasn't found a job in a year, but suggests you could get a second job, wants to use your savings and on top of that, doesn't contribute to housework.
He is beyond taking the piss

This. And let's not forge they aren't married. If they break up, the OP has no claim on his pension or assets at all.

Women way too often end up holding the financial short stick specially if they are in a partnership without rights.

There are jobs available in England for people wanting to work., He needs to stop thinking he deserves a job in his expertise area, and begin thinking he needs to contribute to his upkeep.

When he earned more, you were happy for him to subsidise you with extra rent and holidays. When he earned nothing, you had that continue with him burning through all his savings

But he wasn't paying 'extra rent and holidays' when he earned nothing. He contributed half.

He doesn't just want OP to put in extra, he wants her to pay for everything. Whilst he sits on his ass at home.

Is he really looking hard for a job or do you think he is being lazy? A year without work is a long time.

OP, all joking aside, he can find a job if he wants to.

I'm a single mum. I was managed out of my job in August, aged 61. I have a son to feed and a mortgage to pay. No handy partner to pick up the bills. No family. No-one coming to my rescue.

Previously with a salary of £55k, I applied for everything in my sector on £24k upwards. I also signed up with two agencies. It took me eight weeks to find a new job. It's amazing what imminent loss of home and son's school can do for motivation.

You need to have a really blunt conversation. Tell him to get off his arse, find someone in marketing to assess and reformat his CV and his covering letters, and broaden his search. Ask the job centre for an interview mentor.

And introduce him to the hoover and the loo brush. He's not contributing anything to your joint life and needs to understand how that will end..

All the deep breaths in the world aren't going to help you accept this cocklodger not doing any housework.

Has your DP signed up with a head hunter in your area? DH did and they found him a job (at age 58) within a couple of months. Does your DP have friends or ex-colleagues who could recommend someone?

Don't share your savings. That is one of the consequences (to him) for you not being married.

Do give him a list of things he can do such as housework, cooking, shopping, gardening to keep him occupied when he isn't applying for jobs. It isn't good for him to be sitting around brooding.

You dont love him. Leave him. This isnt how unions work.

If you're not married then YANBU. Simple as.

⬆This⬆

Try again. 'fifty fifty proportionally' was when he was the higher earner and it wasn't 50/50. He was paying a third more and all the holidays. Since he lost his job he has continued to pay the rent except for the small increase.

Why are you ignoring that OP pays all the bills, food etc? The point is they are paying 50/50.

Does only rent matter? Who do you think pays the bills and food, the tooth fairy?

See if he was previously all ‘my money’ I can get why you’d be pissed off but saying that if you’re both all in in terms of the relationship then you’re all in. I’d tell him if he was a bit of a shit before over sharing money

Eh? I didn't say they weren't paying 50/50 now. I said it wasn't 50/50 before he lost his job which she was fine about. It was "proportional" then, but it wasn't "proportional" after he lost his job as he was still paying despite not having an income. So maybe when he gets a job again they'll keep it 50/50. She can pay half the rent and half the bills rather than a third less. Fairs fair.

This man is such an ick. I’ll never understand women who let men treat them like a 1950s housewife.

If I came home and the dishes were still in the sink I’d throw an absolute fit if my husband had been sat on his arse all day ‘applying for jobs’. I’ve been out of work before for 3 months. It’s rubbish and I sympathise, but it doesn’t take 8 hours a day to apply for jobs. What is he doing in the downtime he has? Surely once you write a great generic cover letter, the only thing to do is send it out to various companies.

In this time he could have got any job to bring money in. The fact he’s expecting you to use your savings to support him is crazy and you’re crazy to even consider it. Do not marry this man.

If your partner was unwell or disabled it could be harder to get a new job.i have two friends that have been home for a year. Both normally earn £120k. Those jobs are very sort after. They are both marketeers. However when I have been between contracts I have worked in warehouses and I'm a big cheese. I prefer to be contributing and it's good for your mental health.
Sorry but if you're not married spending your savings keeping your boyfriend is very unwise. He could leave when your genorousity runs out.

Nope... thats how financial abuse happens and is terrible advice.

Each half of a marriage should have their own savings, in fact the partner doesn't even have a right to know about it. Do you know how many people can't flee abuse because their savings are drained by their partner?

My DH debt is not really my business, I have never had any debt in my life but he has car payments, student loan repayments, credit card payment... all under his name and all his problem.

Yes he can - they make a joint claim and her income is factored into it. Depending on how much OP earns it is worth speaking to CA to get an assessment as to whether they are eligible.

No wonder you feel resentful op.

Id leave the lazy sponger. Hes taking you for a mug.

He needs to take anything at this point, temp agency work or whatever. He's got a nice big gap in his CV now and it won't look good.
We'd all love to only take jobs we love or our dream job but have bills to pay and like to eat regularly.
He's turning into a cocklodger now.

Well it's coming up to Christmas and lots of shops are looking for staff over the festive period. Same with pubs.
He needs to get a job so he gets one. Anything that means that he gets paid over the coming weeks.
It may not be his chosen career but it does mean money is coming in.

Don't move any savings to current accounts. If you're not married to him and there are no kids involved, you could kick him out and he'd have to go to the council to be housed.

He has been contributing and now he is broke. He has actively tried to find work, he hasn't been successful so now you are punishing him further by not supporting him in the short-term.

If I were your other half, I'd be considering my options as to sustain my share with savings until I'm broke while searching for work and then not being given a temporary lifeline from the woman I thought I'd be with until die (married or not), through thick and thin, is quite the shock.

@LondonPapa So what excuse can you give him for not pulling his weight on the domestic front while the OP is working fulltime. And do you think he was right to suggest she got a second job to keep him as King Slob?

He has been out of work for over a year.

He is being picky about jobs.

He does sod all on the domestic front, expecting the OP to hold down full time work, all the domestic work and now a second job on top.
He has had a lifeline for over a year.

When both were working he kept his own savings and income despite the OP doing all the household tasks.
He is not even pretending to be in a team here so he doesn't deserve to be treated as part of a team.

Its the busiest time of the retail, hospitality and logistics year. He needs to lower his sights, get off his backside and get some temporary work instead of being picky. At the very least he could do the housework (which is presumably also beneath him).

Well this quite hysterical.

He has been paying his half (as all adults should) out of his savings and has refused to talk about it until he ran out. that does not scream partnership or life planning at all. His money was always his own while earning, and he is not contributing any time/effort on the domestic front. That doesn't screa; lifeti;e and partnership either.

OP protecting her own savings for her own rainy day is not punishment of her partner, it is common sense. The fact that he no longer has savings is the logical, predictable and inevitable result of him not working for an entire year.

OP has also been providing a lifeline already in paying more of the bills/food/petrol/rent increase, not to mention being the live-in maid. She is not responsible for the professional or financial choices of another adult, all she has to do is decide if she can live with them. Or not - which would be my vote.