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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 05/12/2024 19:52

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:18

What does JFC mean....?

Jesus fucking Christ probably.

NewDaye · 05/12/2024 20:14

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:13

I'm not excusing it, do you think I like it? What I was saying is that some (not all) younger women, who might be insecure or vulnerable, might make up false claims. I don't mean just the comments, which clearly did happen, I mean inventing more serious things that haven't.

This is such an odd attitude to have, especially whilst confirming your husband has been inappropriate.

you’re the only one who is inventing serious things that haven’t happened…such as her making false accusations. The point people are trying to get at is that she doesn’t need to make any false accusations, as what he has said already is bad enough to give her complaint merit.

It is really strange that you present lying as a given due to her age. It’s like you’re trying to discredit her in advance because you know she’s a threat. Age has nothing to do with honesty around sexual harassment. In fact a lot of young women don’t even report what happens to them.

It’s also weird to state young women lie due to insecurity when you are clearly very insecure yourself.

Thevelvelletes · 05/12/2024 20:20

I'm thinking op is not all that he seems.

CloudywMeatballs · 05/12/2024 20:39

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:13

I'm not excusing it, do you think I like it? What I was saying is that some (not all) younger women, who might be insecure or vulnerable, might make up false claims. I don't mean just the comments, which clearly did happen, I mean inventing more serious things that haven't.

More serious? How much more serious does it need to be? What he is doing is already disgusting, and you are condoning it.

GreyCarpet · 05/12/2024 20:41

You're disappointed that your husband is just like other men

This is the crux of it.

Why did you think he was so different?
I understand the disappointment though. Particularly if you've never seen this side of him before.

But the boobs comment? Totally unnecessary. Women are more than just their boobs size. She might not be as well enfowed as you but it hasn't stopped your husband from making a fool of himself over her. Has it?

SnappyCritic · 05/12/2024 20:57

Ok. No one-one contact with her. Great.

But it's inappropriate for him to be staring at/googling other women (no matter what their age). His desires should be for you and you alone!

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2024 21:14

His desires should be for you and you alone!

Meanwhile back in the real world … It’s entirely unrealistic to imagine that just because someone’s married they’re never going to find someone else attractive. That doesn’t mean they have to behave inappropriately like OP’s husband.

ohforfoxs · 05/12/2024 21:22

Urgh. His behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable.

The male gaze is intimidating and creepy. Rather than being concerned that he fancies her, pull him up about how his behaviour makes women uncomfortable, and how the power dynamic works given he is in a management position.

My daughters are young adults and I find this behaviour vile, as do they. Does he have any self-awareness at all?

ohforfoxs · 05/12/2024 21:24

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Jesus.

JLou08 · 05/12/2024 22:47

'Oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'-Borderline sexual harassment.
Embarrassing that you put your arm around him when he talks to her.
Shameful that you talk about young women these days making false accusations. It seems you are jealous of younger women in general and can't accept some men (possibly your DH) are creeps and women are starting to stand up for themselves instead of allow being objectified at work.
Just to add, I am not a younger woman. I'm from a generation that accepted sexual harassment at work but am pleased the younger generation aren't standing for it.

Fogandfrost · 05/12/2024 22:53

You’re doing a weird ‘pick me dance’ by stroking his arm when she’s there. Don’t lower yourself to this level.

SnappyCritic · 05/12/2024 23:05

Set boundaries.

kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 00:21

GreyCarpet · 05/12/2024 20:41

You're disappointed that your husband is just like other men

This is the crux of it.

Why did you think he was so different?
I understand the disappointment though. Particularly if you've never seen this side of him before.

But the boobs comment? Totally unnecessary. Women are more than just their boobs size. She might not be as well enfowed as you but it hasn't stopped your husband from making a fool of himself over her. Has it?

No, it hasn't... As I've already said before, I'm no supermodel, but I was looking for flaws in this girl and that was the one thing I could find. Perhaps that makes me bitter/a bitch/jealous...

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 00:23

ohforfoxs · 05/12/2024 21:22

Urgh. His behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable.

The male gaze is intimidating and creepy. Rather than being concerned that he fancies her, pull him up about how his behaviour makes women uncomfortable, and how the power dynamic works given he is in a management position.

My daughters are young adults and I find this behaviour vile, as do they. Does he have any self-awareness at all?

No, he's never had much self-awareness - he's a bit eccentric and offbeat. I don't think he realised his comments could be deemed sexual, as much as I don't like his behaviour.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 06/12/2024 02:17

kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 00:21

No, it hasn't... As I've already said before, I'm no supermodel, but I was looking for flaws in this girl and that was the one thing I could find. Perhaps that makes me bitter/a bitch/jealous...

Why?

I can understand your feelings towards your husband but why such hatred towards her? She literally done nothing to you. His behaviour is not her fault. Your jealousy is not her fault.

Why are you looking for flaws in her? What would that achieve? Of course she's flawed. Everyone is flawed - including these supermodels and celebrities you seem so obsessed by.

Why not stand up and be the woman/boss she needs you to be and deal with his behaviour? Does she really deserve to have this as her first experience of professional, adult working life? Just because she's pretty? Just because her lecherous boss can't keep his thoughts to himself? Just because his wife is bitter?

That poor woman. She will be aware of all of this. And that is the environment she has to go into every day.

I'd imagine many of us have been there at some point with comments from our boss/a older men at work and it's horrible.

She deserves better.

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2024 02:50

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’ maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Seriously, you need to seek help. The fact that’s where your mind goes in reaction to your DH’s appalling behaviour and making young women uncomfortable is just bizarre. Add that to your creepy behaviour physically clinging onto him while his eyes are out like stalks and he’s trying to chat up a young woman. Lara probably doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry when confronted by a deranged version of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. None of this is normal, and Mumsnet is not your answer. I think a qualified professional to assist you is the better way to proceed.

arcticpandas · 06/12/2024 05:46

Poor Lara. Having this old bloke staring at her like a piece of meat and making disgusting comments. And then OP who is not concerned at all about her, just jealous and commenting negatively on her apparence. It doesn't matter if she's not catwalk talk or have small boobs, apparantly your pig of a husband finds her irresistible. Not her fault. You and your husband deserve each other. Poor Lara..

PoliteLion · 06/12/2024 07:40

I mean... maybe his type changed, or he finds something in Lara that makes up for the small bust or he grew to be curious or appreciative of a smaller bust after so long with yours? Maybe he thinks he can buy her new ones 😂
Most men and women can find themselves attracted to different types sometimes inexplicably that they surprise themselves by their attraction to someone with qualities they don't normally care for. They say men like variety!

Hmmtheplant · 06/12/2024 08:32

Unfortunately your husband is a creep and sees women as objects. Unlikely you will radically change him, but I’d definitely point out that he has essentially harassed a female employee. What she looks like compared to you is irrelevant, the fact that you even mentioned that means you are normalized to his misogyny.

whathaveiforgotten · 06/12/2024 09:14

As I've already said before, I'm no supermodel, but I was looking for flaws in this girl and that was the one thing I could find. Perhaps that makes me bitter/a bitch/jealous...

At least you're perhaps getting some self awareness I guess.

Why were you looking for flaws in a girl who has done nothing to you and is being at best leered at (you said his eyes were on stalks) by your husband and actually in reality is also in the receiving end of completely inappropriate comments about her body?

You and your husband are both misogynists who place women's value primarily in their appearance and dress size.

I think it's really sad and gross that instead of being completely turned off him due to him leering and making inappropriate comments, you instead attempt to mark your territory and also find (what you perceive to be) negatives about this woman's appearance.

I can't imagine being attracted to a man who behaves so inappropriately and embarrassingly, let alone acting like he's the prize by attempting to stake your claim by wrapping your arm around him when he's leering.

I think some therapy would benefit you.

Fedupoftheshits · 06/12/2024 09:51

Please don't blame Lara, your husband is in the wrong, he's being completely inappropriate. Lara sounds like the victim in this, she doesn't want an older man learing at her and making sexual remarks.

He needs to have some real self awareness of his behaviour (as do you, your comments about her are unkind) I'm fed up of people with lame excuses like being eccentric, just the way they are etc etc. Sorry, people don't buy that anymore.

Curtainqueen · 06/12/2024 11:01

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:13

I'm not excusing it, do you think I like it? What I was saying is that some (not all) younger women, who might be insecure or vulnerable, might make up false claims. I don't mean just the comments, which clearly did happen, I mean inventing more serious things that haven't.

They wouldn't need to make up false claims. The sexual harassment that has already happened is serious enough.

Curtainqueen · 06/12/2024 11:07

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:18

What does JFC mean....?

Usually Jesus Fucking Christ but I think Just Fucking Creepy would be interchangeable here.

GiveMeSpanakopita · 06/12/2024 11:33

Your husband is abusing his position of power to lech over and harrass an intern. Not only is this likely very unpleasant for her but because she is early in her career he is giving her the misconception that all workplaces are like this.

SnappyCritic · 06/12/2024 15:57

Hmm.
You're in a tough situation. Tell him "your desires/lustful thoughts should be on me & no one else." (After all, that's what the wedding vows were all about, correct?)

Don't scold him for telling you all about "the pretty girls".....that is your way to find that he will not respect your boundaries--whatever they be.
At that point, you should pack your bags & take a nice looooooong vacation (w/o him).
(But it's good to have some money & a place to go. <--kids?;friends who would understand? or even a women shelter for abused wives)