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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/12/2024 21:42

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 21:07

Yes they did chat and have banter a lot, but he chose to go and be chatty with her because of how she looks, I think. He hasn’t bothered to chat to the chubby girl with glasses or the lads.

So what are you confused about exactly?

He hasn't approached the lads or a woman he doesn't find attractive. Does that surprise you? Your comments are all over the place and nonsensical.

You say you can't see what he finds attractive about her and then go on to describe a young, attractive woman whose company he enjoys.

His comments are still way out of line and she is still not the problem.

Alwaystired23 · 04/12/2024 22:05

In answer to your opening op. Yes, yabu, to make Lara feel uncomfortable. She's done nothing wrong. I hope for her sake she finds another job so she can get away from your pervy husband and you blaming her for your husbands actions. Poor woman. You definitely have a dh problem. You also seem over invested in how people look. Describing your employees in such ways, chubby, glasses is pretty nasty, in my opinion.

InWalksBarberalla · 04/12/2024 22:09

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 21:07

Yes they did chat and have banter a lot, but he chose to go and be chatty with her because of how she looks, I think. He hasn’t bothered to chat to the chubby girl with glasses or the lads.

Your husband appears to be trying hard to have a sexual harrasment suit raised against him. He is the boss but only interacts with the young attractive woman in the workplace, and then starts ignoring her when he's not going to be able to get in on with her because his wife is on to him.

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 22:28

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2024 21:42

So what are you confused about exactly?

He hasn't approached the lads or a woman he doesn't find attractive. Does that surprise you? Your comments are all over the place and nonsensical.

You say you can't see what he finds attractive about her and then go on to describe a young, attractive woman whose company he enjoys.

His comments are still way out of line and she is still not the problem.

I’m not confused just disappointed. I can understand why he’d fancy her I just felt disappointed and, as his wife of 25 years, yes a bit jealous.

OP posts:
whathaveiforgotten · 04/12/2024 22:41

Do you accept OP that your husband making comments on this woman's body size is completely inappropriate? And that him looking at her with 'eyes on stalks' as you described is also completely inappropriate?

Wouldn't you have found it skin crawlingly uncomfortable for a boss who is a man old enough to be your father to comment on how tight your dresses are?

I mean it's awful at any age but considering the age gap it's especially grim.

Doesn't it massively turn you off him?!

PoliteLion · 05/12/2024 08:02

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 22:28

I’m not confused just disappointed. I can understand why he’d fancy her I just felt disappointed and, as his wife of 25 years, yes a bit jealous.

You're disappointed that your husband is just like other men, specifically the cliché middle old boss flirting with young pretty petite employee.
It sounds like there might be more that you don't know about your husband.

Men have a huge ego. Age and money gives you confidence to take risks. Many young women find money and power sexy. He now has more time, confidence and money to impress the women he might have always fancied. It's also more of an ego stroke and status symbol amongst other men if he as an older man has a younger pretty woman on his arms so even if she weren't his type, and she sounds like every man's type..petite and youngish, she would boost the image of his success and verility to have a young pretty trophy. Lara might be capitalising on her feminine charms but at the end of the day, legally and morally the onus is on your husband to conduct himself in an appropriate way.

Men are men.

Anotherworrier · 05/12/2024 13:34

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 22:28

I’m not confused just disappointed. I can understand why he’d fancy her I just felt disappointed and, as his wife of 25 years, yes a bit jealous.

You can’t understand why he’d fancy some beautiful young woman?

Whats more baffling is his behaviour and how obvious he was about it. I would be hurt in your shoes as well, that’s totally understandable.

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:26

Anotherworrier · 05/12/2024 13:34

You can’t understand why he’d fancy some beautiful young woman?

Whats more baffling is his behaviour and how obvious he was about it. I would be hurt in your shoes as well, that’s totally understandable.

No I said I DO understand, but just that I’m disappointed as I thought he might be too old for that by now

OP posts:
CloudywMeatballs · 05/12/2024 15:33

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

I'm 52 and I see it that way.

Your husband is a disgusting perv, and you're not much better for excusing his behaviour.

SnappyCritic · 05/12/2024 15:36

That is your husband!
Opposite sex friendships can lead to more....like having lunch together....
It's a slippery slope for your husband to be on. You are NOT being unreasonable, your just trying to protect your marriage!

NewDaye · 05/12/2024 15:44

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

What on earth?

Her boobs are likely perky, sag-free, stretch mark-free, symmetrical etc due to her age. Whereas chances are someone of your age might not be able to say the same.

I think you’re not aware that society has moved on with beauty trends too, big boobs haven’t been the peak of beauty since the 2010s - didn’t a big bum and tiny waist take over?

whathaveiforgotten · 05/12/2024 15:59

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…she sounds like every man’s type

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Jesus Christ your internalised misogyny is off the charts.

I hope you and your sexually inappropriate creepy husband don't have daughters.

Though a couple of misogynists raising sons is hardly ideal either. Worse, maybe.

ThatTealViewer · 05/12/2024 16:04

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Why? Why couldn’t you resist it? What do her boobs have to do with anything?

This woman has literally done NOTHING to you. Yet this is the second thread I’ve seen on which you’ve made catty remarks about her appearance. What is wrong with you?

I said this on the other thread and I’ll say it here. You are shallow, every word you write is dripping with internalised misogyny and you really need to do some self reflection. It’s not healthy to be the way that you are.

GridlockonMain · 05/12/2024 16:11

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

JFC

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2024 16:19

Opposite sex friendships can lead to more....like having lunch together....

Not having lunch together? How utterly shocking! I’d rather my bloke had lunch with another woman than sexually harassed her like OP’s husband is.

Curtainqueen · 05/12/2024 16:42

kinsey681 · 04/12/2024 22:28

I’m not confused just disappointed. I can understand why he’d fancy her I just felt disappointed and, as his wife of 25 years, yes a bit jealous.

Now we're getting somewhere.

SkaterGrrrrl · 05/12/2024 16:48

"I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men."

It wouldn't be a false accusation if she complained about him commenting on the tininess of her dress. This is an inappropriate thing for an older male colleague to say to a young woman at work.

NewDaye · 05/12/2024 17:01

SkaterGrrrrl · 05/12/2024 16:48

"I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men."

It wouldn't be a false accusation if she complained about him commenting on the tininess of her dress. This is an inappropriate thing for an older male colleague to say to a young woman at work.

I think OP knows this deep down, she just doesn’t want to admit it. I noticed OP has ignored all the employment-related posts.

OP seems to be blinded by rage and jealousy.
She doesn’t care that her husband is being inappropriate in the workplace. Her concern is that he doesn’t see her as a spring chicken anymore and that Lara grabbed his attention.

OP doesn’t care about sexual harassment in the workplace, particularly not in this circumstance as she doesn’t like Lara. Because she doesn’t like Lara, this means that Lara is someone to accuse of making false accusations and not support even though OP likely has a vested interest in the business. She’s the co-owner’s wife so presumably employment tribunals should be of concern.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/12/2024 17:06

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Honestly, the more you post, the more tragic you make yourself sound. You've embarrassed yourself in front of your husband's employee, and you've embarrassed yourself on the internet. Maybe it's time to take a step back and do some self reflection.

NestaArcheron · 05/12/2024 17:56

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

You honestly are absolutely tragic.

WingleWom · 05/12/2024 18:55

kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 15:25

@PoliteLion Thanks for posting. Gave thanks.

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’

maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Oh, OP.

Blush
kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:13

CloudywMeatballs · 05/12/2024 15:33

I'm 52 and I see it that way.

Your husband is a disgusting perv, and you're not much better for excusing his behaviour.

I'm not excusing it, do you think I like it? What I was saying is that some (not all) younger women, who might be insecure or vulnerable, might make up false claims. I don't mean just the comments, which clearly did happen, I mean inventing more serious things that haven't.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:15

SnappyCritic · 05/12/2024 15:36

That is your husband!
Opposite sex friendships can lead to more....like having lunch together....
It's a slippery slope for your husband to be on. You are NOT being unreasonable, your just trying to protect your marriage!

He never has the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with her. He's only had a few hours with her here and there in the office, and they weren't alone; they were in her room, all the other employees were in theirs and in the communal spaces.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 05/12/2024 19:18

GridlockonMain · 05/12/2024 16:11

JFC

What does JFC mean....?

OP posts: