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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 08/12/2024 14:07

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 12:31

The 'clinging onto him' was a non-verbal signal to him to wind his neck in, stop gawping and chatting sh!t to this girl when he isn't even really interested in what she's saying. Most men would take the hint. My DH is not very self-aware and didn't.

You think he’s the one who isn’t self aware?! 🤣

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 17:37

ThatTealViewer · 08/12/2024 14:07

You think he’s the one who isn’t self aware?! 🤣

You think him staring at her in front of me, even after I repeatedly put my arm around him, is self aware on his part?!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 17:45

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 17:37

You think him staring at her in front of me, even after I repeatedly put my arm around him, is self aware on his part?!

He knew you were doing it. He was just ignoring you.

The 'clinging onto him' was a non-verbal signal to him to wind his neck in, stop gawping and chatting sh!t to this girl when he isn't even really interested in what she's saying

On the contrary, I think he was interested. Not because what she was saying was something he was particularly interested in necessarily but simply because she was the one saying it.

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 17:47

None of OP's posts are written like a woman would write, the focus on breast size, talking about women making 'false accusations' whilst defending their 'DH's sexual harassment.

I can see why you would say this and I have wondered self but, having grown up with my mother and sort of things she said about women/girls and the way she talked about them, and the excuses she made for men who behaved appallingly towards them, I sadly can believe it.

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 17:51

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 17:47

None of OP's posts are written like a woman would write, the focus on breast size, talking about women making 'false accusations' whilst defending their 'DH's sexual harassment.

I can see why you would say this and I have wondered self but, having grown up with my mother and sort of things she said about women/girls and the way she talked about them, and the excuses she made for men who behaved appallingly towards them, I sadly can believe it.

I don't mean to condone sexual harassment, but there is, I think, a difference in attitude between some women in their 50s and older compared to younger women.

Some behaviours and comments have always been sexual harassment, if a man actually makes an obvious innuendo or says 'nice bum', 'great pair (obviously implying boobs)' or something else out of a Carry On film, then that is obviously harassment.

But nowadays, a man can say something that a woman my age might just shrug off as being mild flirting and not necessarily predatory (like, 'oh, that's a nice dress', or, 'blue suits your eyes') whereas a younger woman will hear that as instantly predatory.

And I'm not saying that anyone is right or wrong about the latter paragraph. And I don't like my husband's behaviour towards his employee at all.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 08/12/2024 17:56

OP you lost me the second you openly said YOU have noticed your husband’s inappropriate behaviour towards this woman, and then went on to say she could make FALSE accusations. If he’s staring at her blatantly enough that you have noticed and making comments about how tight her dress is then there would be absolutely nothing false about what she is saying.

whathaveiforgotten · 08/12/2024 18:05

I know it's not her fault, but I just find her annoying and think she laps up the attention from dh

Don't worry, I'm pretty confident she's politely smiling while being utterly creeped out by her creepy older boss and his misogynistic wife.

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:02

But nowadays, a man can say something that a woman my age might just shrug off as being mild flirting and not necessarily predatory (like, 'oh, that's a nice dress', or, 'blue suits your eyes') whereas a younger woman will hear that as instantly predatory.

No. You've actually wildly misunderstood this.

No woman, of any age, really considers, "That's a nice dress," or, "Blue suits your eyes," to be predatory or sexual harassment from a man her own age or say a stranger in a pub. That's just a neutral comment; a compliment. I wouldn't even consider it to be mild flirting tbh.

If a man in the wild compliments me, I can say, "Thank you," and move on, or I can tell him to, "Fuck off," if i want.

If my much older boss says it to me, at work, what can I do then?

Would you stand for me telling your husband, my boss, to fuck off?

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:11

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:02

But nowadays, a man can say something that a woman my age might just shrug off as being mild flirting and not necessarily predatory (like, 'oh, that's a nice dress', or, 'blue suits your eyes') whereas a younger woman will hear that as instantly predatory.

No. You've actually wildly misunderstood this.

No woman, of any age, really considers, "That's a nice dress," or, "Blue suits your eyes," to be predatory or sexual harassment from a man her own age or say a stranger in a pub. That's just a neutral comment; a compliment. I wouldn't even consider it to be mild flirting tbh.

If a man in the wild compliments me, I can say, "Thank you," and move on, or I can tell him to, "Fuck off," if i want.

If my much older boss says it to me, at work, what can I do then?

Would you stand for me telling your husband, my boss, to fuck off?

Why do so many people on this thread think that what my DH said to this girl, about the tininess of her dress and telling her not to spill anything on her dress every time he's in the office, is harassment then?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/12/2024 19:13

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:11

Why do so many people on this thread think that what my DH said to this girl, about the tininess of her dress and telling her not to spill anything on her dress every time he's in the office, is harassment then?

He should not be making any comments about her body at all, it's wildly inappropriate.

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:14

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/12/2024 19:13

He should not be making any comments about her body at all, it's wildly inappropriate.

No, he shouldn't be saying it I agree. But is it a sexual comment?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/12/2024 19:15

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:14

No, he shouldn't be saying it I agree. But is it a sexual comment?

Of course it is.

Dimpliy · 08/12/2024 19:17

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:14

No, he shouldn't be saying it I agree. But is it a sexual comment?

Why do you need this validation? Is your hand in your pocket right now? Envy

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:20

Dimpliy · 08/12/2024 19:17

Why do you need this validation? Is your hand in your pocket right now? Envy

Sorry I don't get it...

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:20

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:11

Why do so many people on this thread think that what my DH said to this girl, about the tininess of her dress and telling her not to spill anything on her dress every time he's in the office, is harassment then?

Because she can't tell him to fuck off and call him a creep because he's her boss and she can't avoid seeing him because he's her boss. Can she?

That's why it's harassment.

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:23

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:20

Because she can't tell him to fuck off and call him a creep because he's her boss and she can't avoid seeing him because he's her boss. Can she?

That's why it's harassment.

She can't say that, no, but she only sees him once every six weeks to two months, and sometimes that's only for about 20 minutes at a time or less. Not that that makes it nice.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 08/12/2024 19:28

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:23

She can't say that, no, but she only sees him once every six weeks to two months, and sometimes that's only for about 20 minutes at a time or less. Not that that makes it nice.

And how do you think she feels in the lead up to that? Do you think she looks forward to next month... next week... tomorrow... the door opening... the 20 mins he's there? With you draping yourself over him warning her off a sleazy old man who makes her skin crawl and she wouldn't touch with someome else's?

But anyway, if it's so infrequent and unimportant, why do you care of he has a crush or not in the first place? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 19:31

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:14

No, he shouldn't be saying it I agree. But is it a sexual comment?

lol are you joking?

Mrsttcno1 · 08/12/2024 19:53

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:23

She can't say that, no, but she only sees him once every six weeks to two months, and sometimes that's only for about 20 minutes at a time or less. Not that that makes it nice.

So is that your rule in life with anything then? If it only happens for 20 minutes every 6 weeks then anything is acceptable? What if I punched you every six weeks, I imagine you’d feel entitled to be upset about that? What if someone was grabbing your bum at work every 6 weeks for 20 minutes, you wouldn’t be all too happy?

It’s happening often enough that you’re getting your knickers in a twist about it so it’s certainly often enough to be complaint worthy for this poor girl

whathaveiforgotten · 08/12/2024 20:48

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

You pride yourself on being thin OP, you've said it a number of times.

If your husband said the above to you at home, wouldn't you think he was flattering your body?

You know why you'd feel that way? Because it's clearly a comment that is designed to make it clear he has noted her body is (by most beauty standards) a desirable size. Desirable to men. Men like him. Sexually desirable.

If you try and tell me you wouldn't find that comment flattering yourself as his wife, who sees thinness as aspirational and specifically believes that staying thin will help someone remain sexually attractive to their wife, then you're lying.

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 21:26

whathaveiforgotten · 08/12/2024 20:48

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

You pride yourself on being thin OP, you've said it a number of times.

If your husband said the above to you at home, wouldn't you think he was flattering your body?

You know why you'd feel that way? Because it's clearly a comment that is designed to make it clear he has noted her body is (by most beauty standards) a desirable size. Desirable to men. Men like him. Sexually desirable.

If you try and tell me you wouldn't find that comment flattering yourself as his wife, who sees thinness as aspirational and specifically believes that staying thin will help someone remain sexually attractive to their wife, then you're lying.

Yes, I accept that, I suppose I just thought it wasn't.....a vulgar comment?

I have always took pride in being thin for my age. This girl has a different body to me entirely though, thin but still....curvy. It's that I didn't like, and what made me feel a pang of jealousy. And I know it isn't that woman's fault, and that DH's behaviour isn't nice.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 08/12/2024 21:54

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 17:37

You think him staring at her in front of me, even after I repeatedly put my arm around him, is self aware on his part?!

I think your behaviour in the OP, on your previous thread, and on this one demonstrates a complete lack of self awareness on your part.

If it wasn’t immediately clear to you that was what I was saying, then I would also question your basic communication skills. I can assure you that everyone else got it.

ThatTealViewer · 08/12/2024 21:58

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 21:26

Yes, I accept that, I suppose I just thought it wasn't.....a vulgar comment?

I have always took pride in being thin for my age. This girl has a different body to me entirely though, thin but still....curvy. It's that I didn't like, and what made me feel a pang of jealousy. And I know it isn't that woman's fault, and that DH's behaviour isn't nice.

I’m with the others, now. I refuse to believe that anyone can be this obnoxious and obtuse. This is a windup.

If it’s not, please seek professional help, OP.

Fannyfiggs · 08/12/2024 22:33

When your husband comments on Lara's dress, he's not thinking about the actual dress, he's thinking about Lara's tiny body. Maybe imagining Lara trying the dress on or taking it off.

Lara knows this.

That's why his comments are sleazy.

andthat · 09/12/2024 00:24

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 19:23

She can't say that, no, but she only sees him once every six weeks to two months, and sometimes that's only for about 20 minutes at a time or less. Not that that makes it nice.

Ffs @kinsey681
Just listen to yourself!

So it’s ok that your husband is being a lech as long as it’s only on occasion?

You’re letting your jealousy of this woman cloud your judgement regarding your husbands behaviour.