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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 18:57

PoliteLion · 06/12/2024 07:40

I mean... maybe his type changed, or he finds something in Lara that makes up for the small bust or he grew to be curious or appreciative of a smaller bust after so long with yours? Maybe he thinks he can buy her new ones 😂
Most men and women can find themselves attracted to different types sometimes inexplicably that they surprise themselves by their attraction to someone with qualities they don't normally care for. They say men like variety!

To be honest, this girl does have a lot of features that are conventionally attractive - big eyes, long hair, curvy shape. I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders. The thing I do have that she doesn’t is larger breasts, not massive but decent given that I’m quite slim even at 50.

im sure lots of men would fall for Lara, but I didn’t think my husband would

OP posts:
Curtainqueen · 06/12/2024 19:15

kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 18:57

To be honest, this girl does have a lot of features that are conventionally attractive - big eyes, long hair, curvy shape. I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders. The thing I do have that she doesn’t is larger breasts, not massive but decent given that I’m quite slim even at 50.

im sure lots of men would fall for Lara, but I didn’t think my husband would

Edited

Why is he chatting her up then?

ThatTealViewer · 06/12/2024 19:40

kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 18:57

To be honest, this girl does have a lot of features that are conventionally attractive - big eyes, long hair, curvy shape. I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders. The thing I do have that she doesn’t is larger breasts, not massive but decent given that I’m quite slim even at 50.

im sure lots of men would fall for Lara, but I didn’t think my husband would

Edited

The descriptions of both of your physical features, and their relative merits (in your head) is incredibly creepy. They’re also wholly irrelevant to the matters at hand. These are:

  • Your husband’s inappropriate (in some cases, predatory) behaviour.
  • Your own insecurities.
  • The fact that neither of the above have anything to do with the woman in question.

The fact that you are so male centred and in such thrall to your internalised misogyny that you are wholly incapable of seeing any of the above and are still wittering on about your respective breast sizes and haircuts is really bloody sad. You are achieving tragicomic status, at this point.

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 19:50

@kinsey681 you need to get yourself an education, you sound like a dinosaur!
It's 2024 love, I'm not even sure what era you are trapped in.

Can you stop talking shit and running down that perfectly nice younger woman who's doing her best to avoid your dirty old man husband?

There's been a few threads started by women's who's husbands are perving on younger women, describing the women as 'conventionally attractive' like that's a negative Confused and that their wonderful (perv) husbands would never be so basic as to fancy someone 'conventionally' attractive.
It's so bizarre.
How have these men brain-washed their wives?

NewDaye · 06/12/2024 19:52

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 19:50

@kinsey681 you need to get yourself an education, you sound like a dinosaur!
It's 2024 love, I'm not even sure what era you are trapped in.

Can you stop talking shit and running down that perfectly nice younger woman who's doing her best to avoid your dirty old man husband?

There's been a few threads started by women's who's husbands are perving on younger women, describing the women as 'conventionally attractive' like that's a negative Confused and that their wonderful (perv) husbands would never be so basic as to fancy someone 'conventionally' attractive.
It's so bizarre.
How have these men brain-washed their wives?

lol I wouldn’t be surprised if OP is behind those other threads under a name change

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:00

@NewDaye

I am beginning to think there's a lonely middle aged man writing these posts and then having a wank, I'm right aren't I?
Sad
Wife has thin face, small eyes and short hair, crush woman has long hair with huge round (innocent?) eyes....Envy

PoliteLion · 06/12/2024 20:01

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:00

@NewDaye

I am beginning to think there's a lonely middle aged man writing these posts and then having a wank, I'm right aren't I?
Sad
Wife has thin face, small eyes and short hair, crush woman has long hair with huge round (innocent?) eyes....Envy

I suspected this is a reverse and op is Lara 😂

Thevelvelletes · 06/12/2024 20:04

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:00

@NewDaye

I am beginning to think there's a lonely middle aged man writing these posts and then having a wank, I'm right aren't I?
Sad
Wife has thin face, small eyes and short hair, crush woman has long hair with huge round (innocent?) eyes....Envy

I'm with you on that theory,I reckoned pages ago it's a bloke the goady nature of the comments are to get a reaction.

Lollypop25 · 06/12/2024 20:05

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:00

@NewDaye

I am beginning to think there's a lonely middle aged man writing these posts and then having a wank, I'm right aren't I?
Sad
Wife has thin face, small eyes and short hair, crush woman has long hair with huge round (innocent?) eyes....Envy

100% it's not even slightly believable or discreet.

None of OP's posts are written like a woman would write, the focus on breast size, talking about women making 'false accusations' whilst defending their 'DH's sexual harassment.

Very yucky.

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:28

@Lollypop25 @Thevelvelletes I'm not the brightest am I, the penny's only just dropped.
Did wonder what on earth this 'wife' was on, i don't think I've ever known a woman who would act or talk like this.....the squeezing of his arm....Grin Grin AI crossed my mind, but AI totally confused about what year we are in? but, yeah, pretty obviously written by a man, I'll shut up & happy wear my dunce hat for the rest of the evening.

Thevelvelletes · 06/12/2024 20:33

Not a dunce by any means
I worked with men (dinosaurs) that spoke about women in that manner so for me it was an easy spot.
The clincher was that sort of woman comment.

LavenderHaze19 · 06/12/2024 21:30

There’s a subreddit about how male authors always describe their female characters in an oversexualised way - I think it’s called ‘men writing women’. Anyway, OP’s posts are reminding me of the parody posts on there.

kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 21:32

Curtainqueen · 06/12/2024 19:15

Why is he chatting her up then?

What do you mean..?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 21:33

PoliteLion · 06/12/2024 20:01

I suspected this is a reverse and op is Lara 😂

What?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 06/12/2024 21:37

Thevelvelletes · 06/12/2024 20:04

I'm with you on that theory,I reckoned pages ago it's a bloke the goady nature of the comments are to get a reaction.

No, I'm not a man in disguise. How many men post on Mum'snet?

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 06/12/2024 21:40

Me and lots of others
I've met your kind before that's why I know you're a bloke.
Give up you've been rumbled.
Ta ta.

Fannyfiggs · 06/12/2024 21:42

unclemtty · 06/12/2024 20:00

@NewDaye

I am beginning to think there's a lonely middle aged man writing these posts and then having a wank, I'm right aren't I?
Sad
Wife has thin face, small eyes and short hair, crush woman has long hair with huge round (innocent?) eyes....Envy

Well Kinsey was the father of the sexual revolution (apparently). Maybe he's came back to life to give us a lesson in 'love and sexual attraction in the first half of the 20th century'? 🤣

Fannyfiggs · 06/12/2024 22:13

I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders

It's great you've got shoulders. Jackets sit terribly if you don't have shoulders. Does Lara have shoulders? Are her shoulders smaller than yours?

superplumb · 07/12/2024 07:29

Your husbands behaviour about her dress is totally inappropriate and nothing to do with young women nowadays!! Stop blaming the young women and blame your husband for being a sleaze. I'm 46 and I'd hate to asked how I got into such a tiny dress. Grim

Pipconkermash · 07/12/2024 07:57

The misogyny from the OP is revolting.

unclemtty · 07/12/2024 15:49

Maybe the op is trying out his material for a spin off of 'my dad wrote a porno' that was popular a few years ago.

kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 12:21

Fannyfiggs · 06/12/2024 22:13

I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders

It's great you've got shoulders. Jackets sit terribly if you don't have shoulders. Does Lara have shoulders? Are her shoulders smaller than yours?

Stop taking the p!ss....It's normal to compare yourself to another woman sometimes, even if it isn't the most mature thing to do we're all human.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 12:24

Thevelvelletes · 06/12/2024 21:40

Me and lots of others
I've met your kind before that's why I know you're a bloke.
Give up you've been rumbled.
Ta ta.

No, I'm not a bloke. I suspected my husband had a thing for a younger woman at work, who he only sees once every six weeks or so, and wanted to put him off her.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 12:25

unclemtty · 07/12/2024 15:49

Maybe the op is trying out his material for a spin off of 'my dad wrote a porno' that was popular a few years ago.

I don't know what that is, it sounds gross.

I haven't actually condoned any of my husband's comments to this girl. I told him that she might make 'accusations' to try to put him off her. I know it's not her fault, but I just find her annoying and think she laps up the attention from dh.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 08/12/2024 12:31

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2024 02:50

Just one thing, a bit mean but I can’t resist…
’she sounds like every man’s type…’ maybe except for her boobs which aren’t big at all! Sorry I couldn’t resist that

Seriously, you need to seek help. The fact that’s where your mind goes in reaction to your DH’s appalling behaviour and making young women uncomfortable is just bizarre. Add that to your creepy behaviour physically clinging onto him while his eyes are out like stalks and he’s trying to chat up a young woman. Lara probably doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry when confronted by a deranged version of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. None of this is normal, and Mumsnet is not your answer. I think a qualified professional to assist you is the better way to proceed.

The 'clinging onto him' was a non-verbal signal to him to wind his neck in, stop gawping and chatting sh!t to this girl when he isn't even really interested in what she's saying. Most men would take the hint. My DH is not very self-aware and didn't.

OP posts:
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