AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

[kinsey681]

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

This. He is at risk of breaking the law. Thankfully the world has changed and he needs to realise that

Stop blaming women. Start blaming your weird and creepy husband.

Also, your marriage isn’t anything like as healthy as you might think, what with your surveillance of his phone and email, and strange territorial stroking.

And Lara will now think she’s the problem…….

I very much doubt Lara will think she is the problem , unless incredibly dense. More likely, Lara is at the pub with her friends regaling them with tales of her creepy perverted male boss, much tsk tsk’ing and head shaking all round, and then pissing themselves laughing over the tales of the accompanying creepy wife. They probably have nicknames within the group, Pop out eyes Pete & Creepy Cara. Much more likely scenario than Lara thinking she has done anything wrong.

No there’s really not. I’m not sure why you’re defending this perv. It’s disgusting.

No, I just wanted to get across that I was disappointed that my husband might like that sort of woman

@ForDandyPombear thanks. This woman is suite conventionally attractive I suppose, but she isn’t a tall catwalk model type, very slim but not tall

Maybe its a nice change for him because she isn't incredibly shallow, immature and insecure.

I never said that I was attractive or that I believe myself to be. I’ve never looked like the stereotypical ultra pretty celebrity, like a pop star or actress. But I didn’t think my husband fell for that kind of look

No, I just wanted to get across that I was disappointed that my husband might like that sort of woman

I'd be more disappointed he makes inappropriate comments about staff members bodies and talks to them with his "eyes out on stalks" instead of behaving like a decent boss and decent man.

Lara must be so creeped out by both of you tbh.

You sounds a bit bonkers and obsessed with this Lara and your dh sounds like a letchy perv whom you are determined to keep hold of at all costs.

I think you need therapy.
How did you get to your 50s and not realise attraction is more than just looks.

That sort of woman..
You really are a nasty piece of work.
If any of this is real of course.

This woman is suite conventionally attractive I suppose, but she isn’t a tall catwalk model type, very slim but not tall

I’ve never looked like the stereotypical ultra pretty celebrity, like a pop star or actress.

A) You've got a very narrow view of what makes a woman physically attractive.

B) it's not just looks that attract someone.

It might be the first thing that people notice about someone and it might be what attracts them initially but attraction is based on so much more than that for all but the most shallow of people.

All this focus on catwalk model/celebrity looks really does reveal your insecurity, OP, and I dont think you realise it at all.

No, I just wanted to get across that I was disappointed that my husband might like that sort of woman

Tbh, on this and your other threads, you've described a very attractive young woman. What is it you didn't think he'd be attracted to?

Him finding her attractive isn't really a problem. He'll have found countless other women attractive whilst you've been together!

The problem is how he behaves around and towards her.

No, I obviously do know thst attraction is more than looks at my age. It certainly has been the case for my almost 26 year marriage and most other peoples’ too. This is actually exactly what my point is: my DH is going all gooey eyed over some woman purely because of her looks, when he’s 50 and doesn’t know her that well, but feels as though he does

its really vile that you talked about false accusations - you should say to your DH - you are being a massive creep and it's totally inappropriate

What do you mean, if any of this is real? I’m not that bored to invent a story on the internet. I didn’t want to ask people I know about this as I’ll come across as overreacting. I’d rather ask anonymously and vent online

You come across as over-reacting on here too.

How ridiculous. He’s perving over a younger woman and your immediate reaction is to make digs about her appearance and refer to “that kind of woman”. You sound incredibly insecure. Has he cheated in the past?

The “stroking his arm” made me laugh though. Very territorial!

Wait didn't you say that they work together and he finds her accomplishments impressive? And they chat and laugh? So he finds her impressive in a work/career sense, funny and interesting to talk to - that isn't just looks.

I remember your other thread too - the emphasis on putting your arms around him and stroking his arm. Ugh. As if you’re marking your territory against some predatory siren that will spirit your beloved away… what warped, old fashioned thinking.

If my DH was being creepy and inappropriate around a younger woman I’d be fuming and thinking of divorcing him, not preening over him like some deranged trad-wife.

I feel sorry for Lara having to even be around either of you. If you want to move this on you need to tell your ‘eccentric’ and ‘socially awkward’ husband he’s an embarrassment and disrespectful. There are new protections for employees now about sexual harassment at work so he should be doing the training and reflecting deeply on his behaviour.

OK, well the bottom line is, she makes him feel horny. Maybe she reminds him of being a young man. Maybe he reminisces about those days and laments their passing.

He likes the way she looks. He's sexually attracted to her. Thinks she's pretty sexy.

He probably has a few mental images of her stored in the bank for when he's alone.

He probably finds the power differential quite sexy (a lot of men do). She's an intern, so still learning and that makes her quite vulnerable in his eyes - she needs guiding and mentoring. He probably finds that appealing too. Men who consider themselves powerful often do.

He may well have quite 'base' thoughts about her and what he'd like to do to her. Probably gets an erection on occasion whilst looking at or thinking about her and imagining touching her.

None of that is her fault though.

He'll know full well that they'd have absolutely nothing in common with each other but that's fine. He's not planning on spending the ret of his life with her. But he likes to imagine shagging her.

Is that what you want to hear? I mean, it's probably the truth but does it really make you feel any better?

What do you want people to say?

Your husband is a creep. Commenting on how tiny her dress is is way out of line. Has he not been reading the stuff coming out about Gregg Wallace? Learn. Sharpish.

You need to stop with the behave husband as little girlies can make false claims and start with the stop being a disgusting leech as you'll deserve the trouble you'll be in.

No, he hasn’t cheated - there’s literally been no opportunity for him to, we both have our own businesses and work from home, we spend most of our time together.

Yes they did chat and have banter a lot, but he chose to go and be chatty with her because of how she looks, I think. He hasn’t bothered to chat to the chubby girl with glasses or the lads.