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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking for money

646 replies

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 09:16

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright4 · 02/12/2024 10:48

Excellent reply Op . It still sucks it came to this though

YearningForAWinteryWinter · 02/12/2024 10:50

Are you serious? She overspent when she had mortgage payments and debt and now needs £4K?

This is not your problem and you just say "Sorry, I can't help you this time. I hope you manage to sort it. Have you contacted your mortgage lender?"

zeibesaffron · 02/12/2024 10:50

Absolutely not! Do not give her a penny!

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 10:51

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 10:44

I took some of my husbands attitude through spirit lol. He would have told her to F off and stop taking the p* out of me because I like helping people when I can.

I said- Morning, unfortunately after the debacle of my loan to you last time it took a lot for me to continue the friendship as was. The fact that you see the money I have kept for my child (knowing the panic I have had for years about not being able to fund her future) as an ATM for your irresponsible spending has solidified your view of my family to me. Please do not ask for money again and I think we should take a break from our friendship, as you know after all I have been through I value my friends deeply and I feel this is no longer being reciprocated.

Great reply OP. Well done on sticking to your guns. You’ve left no wiggle room and made it clear you’re stepping back from the relationship as a result of her behaviour. It’ll be interesting to see what, if any response you get. Ideally you won’t hear from her again.

Bjorkdidit · 02/12/2024 10:52

She is clearly terrible with money. People ask friends for money after they have used up credit card options, store credit and got all they can out of their family

This is also likely to be true. If you're not immediate family or a very close friend that you see regularly, it's almost certainly the case that they've already been refused credit from several banks and used up all goodwill with their family.

So the money they're trying to borrow from you could well be the tip of the iceberg, they owe other money all over the place and they're deep into robbing Peter to pay Paul territory.

Barney16 · 02/12/2024 10:52

Just say you are sorry she is in trouble but the money is now in a fixed rate two year account and no withdrawals are allowed without three months notice.or something similar. So unfortunately you aren't able to help her.

Ohthedaffodils · 02/12/2024 10:52

Can I suggest something? Move your £30,000 into premium bonds. You may get a lovely prize and also it takes a month to get your money out so it won’t be available to your leechy friend.

Davros · 02/12/2024 10:52

I would have said say no and don't give any explanation. But I think your response is very good and why shouldn't she be told? Very dignified and clear 💐

Original poster
Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 10:53

Ohthedaffodils · 02/12/2024 10:52

Can I suggest something? Move your £30,000 into premium bonds. You may get a lovely prize and also it takes a month to get your money out so it won’t be available to your leechy friend.

I put an amount in (practising not telling people how much 😂) and my daughter won £100 last month from it!

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/12/2024 10:53

Ignore it. She is cheeky asking again and I would bet you are not the first or only "friend" she borrows from. If she paid you back it was probably at someone else's expense. If you must respond , send her the number if Step change.

Whatsitreallylike · 02/12/2024 10:54

Really well done OP. That must have been hard to do but it was the right thing and you should be really proud!

Wheresthebeach · 02/12/2024 10:54

Glad you said no...I can't believe she asked. Never loan anyone a penny you can't do without, it's a nightmare.

ChampagneLassie · 02/12/2024 10:58

I’m amazed you’re still friends. Please do not give her any more money and suggest you find better friends. Ie ones who don’t lie to you or ask for cash!

MmeHennyPenny · 02/12/2024 10:58

Attheedgeoftown · 02/12/2024 09:21

There’s an old saying
“Fool me once, shame on you,
Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Could you tell her to talk to her bank and advise them she will pay next week instead?

Another old saying:-
”Never a lender or a borrower be”
There is a lot of sense in these old sayings.

Don’t feel bad - you have done more than your bit in this “friendship”.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 02/12/2024 10:59

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 10:44

I took some of my husbands attitude through spirit lol. He would have told her to F off and stop taking the p* out of me because I like helping people when I can.

I said- Morning, unfortunately after the debacle of my loan to you last time it took a lot for me to continue the friendship as was. The fact that you see the money I have kept for my child (knowing the panic I have had for years about not being able to fund her future) as an ATM for your irresponsible spending has solidified your view of my family to me. Please do not ask for money again and I think we should take a break from our friendship, as you know after all I have been through I value my friends deeply and I feel this is no longer being reciprocated.

Woo hoo! Good for you.

laveritable · 02/12/2024 10:59

A good friend will NOT stress you out by lending money and NOT returning as promised!

Happyher · 02/12/2024 11:00

Only lend what you can afford to lose. She won’t pay it back, she clearly thinks you are a cash machine. She’s shown this. Just say no, the money is for your safety net not hers

Tortielady · 02/12/2024 11:00

Oops. . .Goldilock singular, not Goldilocks plural. But yes, your response is considered and dignified, not ranty. If she has a scintilla of self-respect, she'll leave you alone from here on in.

romdowa · 02/12/2024 11:01

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 10:44

I took some of my husbands attitude through spirit lol. He would have told her to F off and stop taking the p* out of me because I like helping people when I can.

I said- Morning, unfortunately after the debacle of my loan to you last time it took a lot for me to continue the friendship as was. The fact that you see the money I have kept for my child (knowing the panic I have had for years about not being able to fund her future) as an ATM for your irresponsible spending has solidified your view of my family to me. Please do not ask for money again and I think we should take a break from our friendship, as you know after all I have been through I value my friends deeply and I feel this is no longer being reciprocated.

Well done ! Absolutely bravo!

Daisymay2 · 02/12/2024 11:02

Well done. She may have supported you in the past, but she is taking advantage of that now, big time.

Lobelia123 · 02/12/2024 11:03

Once bitten, twice shy. She has unfortunately shot herself in the foot by showing you exactly who she is. Frankly I think you were very lucky to have gotten the original loan sum back. Dont put yourself back in the firing line, I can guarantee you you wont be as lucky next time. This is one of those occasions its perfectly acceptable to flat out lie with a smile on your face. Oh no Cheryl, Im sorry to hear that . Id love to help you but unfortunately i put all the money into long term fixed investment account to put it out of temptations way. Its now locked in for five years to go towards DC's education.

Lobelia123 · 02/12/2024 11:03

Ah sorry, just saw your update....you are MAGNIFICENT. Well done!

Suntosnow · 02/12/2024 11:04

EDITED TO SAY I just read your reply to her, that was perfect. So great to see somebody just tell it like it is. It gets easier the more you do it. We'll handled.

No, she's ruined her credit rating with you after her behavior last time,
I'd tell her you decided not to risk friendships by lending or borrowing money.

midlifeattheoasis · 02/12/2024 11:04

Just say you don't have the money anymore or that you've put it into a savings account that you can't access.

DO NOT LEND HER THE MONEY

sheldonRockz · 02/12/2024 11:05

Well done for telling them no OP. I think after how they treated you last time, you were right to say no.

another option is to say you locked it in a 2,3 or 5 year fixed saver and can’t access the money. Then hopefully that wards off any other requests for a loan.