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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking for money

646 replies

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 09:16

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 02/12/2024 10:08

I have no funds available. Sorry.
I'd also let the friendship fade away. Don't respond, don't meet.

This person is a user not a friend.
Having used the word user, noting they have high value stuff and an unreliable income. I reckon they may be involved in something dishonest, possible drugs.

Distance for a number of levels @Goldilock1234

boriam · 02/12/2024 10:09

Oh wow.

Absolutely do not lend her the money. If I were you, I would message back and say sorry, but you can't and you're worried you wouldn't get it back after it took her so long last time.

I'm not sure I could be friends with her after that. What a shit friend.

honeylulu · 02/12/2024 10:09

Absolutely do not lend it. Remember the stress it gave you last time. I expect she had no real intention of paying it back until you kept pressing for it.

4k is a massive chunk, more than 10% of the inheritance! Ask yourself would the person who left it to you have been happy about the idea of giving it away to a CF to enjoy a flash holiday? My answer might be different if this was a very dear friend in genuine need for a very good reason but spend thrift behaviour does not cut it!

Finally, when you have children (or even if you don't) there is no such thing as "spare money". Unless you are as rich as Trump there is always a pension that needs topping up, daughters uni/house deposit etc to save for ...

Downtherivers · 02/12/2024 10:09

No chance. Remind her of her behaviour last time

bluebalou · 02/12/2024 10:10

I used to lend and realised what problems it caused, there's nothing worse than having to ask and justify why you need your own money back, it's awful, so now it's a no flat out from me, as people have said keep your savings etc to yourself , no one else's business.

ilovesooty · 02/12/2024 10:10

Redburnett · 02/12/2024 09:35

Block her, she is not your friend.

Absolutely. And you don't owe her an explanation either.

Getupat8amnow · 02/12/2024 10:11

Otins · 02/12/2024 09:20

You are not unreasonable.

Do Not lend her the money.

Her overspend is not your problem.

And besides, I’m sure I heard you say you locked the money into a high interest account for 12 months….😉

This.

DO NOT lend her a penny.

FuckILookLike · 02/12/2024 10:11

WOW.

This is not a little £40. This is GRANDS. You were kind enough to lend it once and you can see how much of a horrible experience it was. The fact that she’s asking again is crazy. I’m surprised you’re even still friends with her.

Say no. Don’t apologise and don’t offer an explanation. Straight no

RunningJo · 02/12/2024 10:11

Absolutely not, If you can't just say "sorry, no", then could you say that your money is tied up in savings or that you invested it in a pension or something?.
Do you really want to be put in the position she put you in last time?. You certainly don't need to feel guilty.

29b11 · 02/12/2024 10:11

No no no and a thousand times no

dh inherited £15k
the following week, a relative asked to borrow £15k
luckily we had already paid it as a mortgage overpayment so we no longer had the money

don’t even consider doing this. The cheek of her asking after taking the piss so badly with the first loan is crazy.

and what do you mean “because you have it” that you feel you ought to lend it. Regardless of the cheeky woman, you shouldn’t “have” it to hand. It should be somewhere like an ISA or a JISA or wherever you put it. Just tell her it’s locked away in a financial product. And she isn’t your friend. A friend wouldn’t do this to you.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 02/12/2024 10:11

How does she even know you have this ££?

And for best interest rates you probably should have it in a fixed rate account where you can’t access it easily.

She has no right to use you as her overdraft facility, overspending with your money in mind.

Very upsetting.

She had the entitled arrogance to ask: that gives you the green light to send an equally upfront response with no ‘sorry’. “ Hi friend, I am not lending any more money, ever. Or discussing this further. Maybe talk to a debt management organisation like National Debtline or StepChange for repayment advice”

If she was at the point of losing her house earlier in the year and had overspent yet again, she is a Hopeless case and will do exactly the same again to you. If she can’t pay £4k now how will she pay £4k to you in a months time in addition to her ongoing repayments.

It is very upsetting.

If you want to keep her as a friend I think you will have to say ‘ I can’t deal with any further requests for financial help in our friendship’.

NomNomHello · 02/12/2024 10:12

No no no. Do not lend it to her.

Beamur · 02/12/2024 10:12

What a brass neck!
No way would I lend money again to someone who put me through the wringer to get it back.
Tbh I would just say no. No excuses no reasons.

herbygarden · 02/12/2024 10:12

It would be an absolute no from me! Just say your savings are all tied up with no easy access!

summershere99 · 02/12/2024 10:14

She's overspent on something - why is that your problem?

If you're feeling guilty for not giving her your money - try to re-frame it is as: you're doing her a massive favour by not helping her. She will have to live with the difficult consequences of her own poor decision making (greed). Hopefully she'll learn a very valuable lesson and next time she'll think twice before spending money she hasn't got.

Honeycrisp · 02/12/2024 10:15

Can't tell whether you're asking if you're BU for not wanting to lend it, in which case obviously not, or whether you want advice on managing how to tell her. If you don't trust yourself to hold fast, the obvious option is to tell her it's in an account you can't access.

Also, as a single parent who is exclusively responsible for a child, I wouldn't say you really have it to lend. There's no slack now, and you're going to have to be hard headed. You need that 30k cushion. Anything could be round the corner. I take it you're insured to within an inch of your life? If not, I'd get on that asap.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 10:15

l don’t know anyone who ‘overspends’ by such large amounts and puts their home at risk so casually. I’d say she’s not good at budgeting and throws caution to the wind when there’s something she wants - especially now she thinks you will bail her out of trouble.

If she prioritised holidays and a car before paying back debt, and had to be embarrassed into repaying it, then that gives you all the insight you need into how she thinks about money. She had no intention of voluntarily paying you back and stopped referring to the debt in the hope you would just forget it. You are not responsible for her reckless spending. Don’t lend her any more money and don’t feel guilty. She’s probably going to get herself into a serious mess at some point judging by what you’ve said. When that happens you need to stand firm and let her learn the life lesson she needs - that actions have consequences. Otherwise she will drain both you and your bank account.

Galatine · 02/12/2024 10:16

BlondeFool · 02/12/2024 09:22

Say you haven't got access to it.

Why should the OP make any excuses after the way she was treated.

Fuck off, is a more than suitable response.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 02/12/2024 10:16

Your friend is terrible with money and if you lend it to her she won't pay you back without a lot of angst.

She needs a debt counselling service and money management advice, not a loan from a friend. She does have money, she just chooses to spend it on holidays and new car instead of boring things like a mortgage. It is her problem to deal with. Don't make that your problem.

If you lose the friendship over it, it will just prove she's a user and chancer.

graceinspace999 · 02/12/2024 10:16

Absolutely not! I’d probably end the friendship as she’s not respecting you.

In future if you get money- tell absolutely nobody. It’s amazing how people will find ways to part you from it.

If you’ve already told people and it’s mentioned you can say you put it in a locked pension fund or blew it at the casino 😉

coconutpie · 02/12/2024 10:17

If you do not feel you can say it outright to her, say "my money is in a fixed term deposit account that I can't access for a certain amount of time" - however, that could then lead to her asking when is it available and she will ask you then again to borrow it once it is available!!! She is a massive CF and a user.

I would really be inclined to say to her "are you seriously asking me this? The last time I lent you money, you had promised to repay it within the week, and I had to chase you up for weeks / months, all the while seeing you on a spending spree going on holiday, buying a new car, etc, while you still owed me money. I was so stressed out because you totally took advantage of me. I vowed to never lend you money again after that. So no, I will not be lending you money and do not ask me ever again".

She's not a friend. And she really needs to be called out on her CF behaviour.

Tvp123 · 02/12/2024 10:17

If she can get it back to you next week she can wait until then to pay her debts.

Wrapmelon · 02/12/2024 10:17

I would not make up an excuse as to why you will not loan money to her, it is something that really needs to be said, so that everyone is very clear about the situation and potential gossip is nipped in the bud;
"No I will not and you know it is because of how you went about it last time. The fact you're asking me again, shows me how you (do not) value our friendship."

BiggestFan · 02/12/2024 10:19

She’s taking the piss. I’ve been there, done it and well and truly learned my lesson. I wouldn’t lend money to a friend again, although I realise now that my true friends would never have asked in the first place, especially in ever increasing amounts with ever increasing sob stories.

I don’t think she’s a friend OP so don’t feel awkward. If you do, just tell her it’s all tied up. Then distance yourself from her.

BilboBlaggin · 02/12/2024 10:20

Nope. Be honest and tell her that after your previous experience you will never lend money again, whatever the circumstances. If it feels easier, tell her it's tied up in an account that you can't access easily. Don't let this "friend" guilt you OP. She is honestly a cheeky fucker to have asked again after what she put you through before.

If you ever did lend again (not to this woman) then ensure you have a written agreement with an agreed payment plan than the person signs. It's the only thing that would give you some leverage to get it back.

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