Friend asking for money

[Goldilock1234]

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

Hiya, I understand you probably feel really awkward about saying no, so just tell her that you'd love to help if you could but you don't have any money. The truth of this doesn't matter - even if you'd just gone out and bought a yacht, still tell her that you don't have any money otherwise you'd love to help. Just stick with that, and add no more to the reason. You're not lying; you don't have 4k just knocking around waiting for use, so you don't have that money. If she were to keep trying to guilt trip you, keep giving sympathy, but don't give any money. She'll get the message without you having to have any more direct confrontations or anything like that, and your money will be safe too. Good luck. And well done on directly asking her for the 6k last time, you shouldn't have to experience that again - your kids need their mum less stressed, and this is an avoidable source of stress! Also teaches your children how to say no nicely.

Just say No. She wouldn’t be my “ friend “ after the way she behaved previously .

I agree with 99% of this. I just wouldn't use the words "really sorry" [I can't lend]. I'd just say. No, I can't lend you money. Multiple times on broken style if needs be. If you say sorry, it's a chink that the friend could seek to exploit. In any case, OP has sent an excellent message saying she isn't lending her money and is taking a break from the friendship. The friend may well try to wheedle her way back. The answer if it was me would still be a firm (no apologies) no.

The first time the excuses she was coming up with were clear lies. Also blocking me from seeing certain things on social media such as holidays. I didn't tell anyone i'd lent her money so when other friends were like Oh M looks like she's having fun in The Maldives what an amazing holiday I was blocked to be none the wiser.

Don’t give her anything, you’d be crazy to do so.

You could respond with something like: “After last time?? Are you kidding me?!”

Excellent response to your so-called friend, OP. Their response to it will tell you all you need to know about whether the break from her needs to be temporary or permanent. Full of apologies and contrite? Perhaps give her another (wary) chance. Angry and resentful? Cut her off for good. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. You've been strong for your daughter for 10 years, you can keep strong in the face of this 'friend'.

You didn't tell anyone you lent her money. Did she ask you not to?

To be honest I think you had a lucky escape in that she did actually pay you back.

I’m screaming at the screen don’t give her the money.
She now sees you as a personal overdraft facility.
In her own mind she will think of the 6k she returned as being hers.
And she wants some of it back.
I can guarantee you if you loan her any amount this time you will not see it again.
She is not your friend.
She’s a CF.

This is a good message to send. As others have said I would be so disappointed in your friend for asking for money again.

Brilliant message @Goldilock1234 , she can be in no doubt where she stands now. Your ex friend is a massive cheeky bugger

Do not lend money to friends. No matter how much or little you have, never do it. It’s the number one rule of retaining your wealth. Keep your money safe.

Haven’t read whole chain - sorry - but I would sympathise with her, say you’d love to help but you no longer have the money as it’s all in pension and mortgage pay off. (No need to give explan tho if you don’t want but those two items mean you can’t access) and then I would suggest some other ways she can get hold of 4k - has she tried borrowing from parents, 0% interest credit card etc etc
wouldn’t contemplate lending again - she forfeited your good will -always repay a loan you’ve promised to repay that was poor behaviour on her part before.

Sorry but "full of apologies and contrite" could just be a manipulative strategy to wheedle way back in. Difficult situation but OP has, I agree, sent very good firm reply. She just needs to hold firm to her position now really.

The payout you got was as a result of a bereavement and not a lottery win and is there to give you and your child a bit of security if you need it.
You lent the money once in good faith and she massively took the piss. I would say - no - unfortunately the process in getting it back last time was hugely stressful and I will not be repeating it.
If she chooses to end the friendship - fuck her.
She was a cheeky cow to ask to borrow the money knowing where it came from and even cheekier now when she took the piss paying it back.

Do not lend this friend (or any other friend) money OP. Your friend has shown she can’t be trusted to pay you back.

There is no way I'd lend her money again.

Tell her you are still out of pocket because you lost all the interest on the 6k that the bank would of given you .

And because you had to ask/ beg x amount of times for your £s back you feel that she has already pushed your friendship to as far as your willing to go.

Then send her a link to your local credit union .!

Actually just read the rest of the thread - everyone agrees and much more bullish about it. I guess my original suggestion was more if you wanted to refuse but not break up friendship. Glad all the advice is a clear don’t lend again!

Absolutely not, once bitten and twice shy springs to mind!

She should feel ashamed.

Ashamed at the way she treated you last time.

Ashamed at not bothering to control her spending and allowing it to come to this again.

She is not your friend and if you lend her this money I will hunt you down and beat you with a wet kipper.

Don’t feel awkward, this situation is on her not you.
Obviously don’t give her the money ( once bitten, twice shy and all that)

@GranPepper You're right, a show of remorse could well be simply a show. I'm of a mind that the response will be huffy annoyance anyway! Or ignoring the OP completely.

Stick to your guns and do not lend this friend any money.

Say you've put it in a fixed rate account cant touch it.

Well done OP on refusing.
She is likely to go one of 3 ways of blocking you, ramping up the guilt trip or send through a load of abuse. Just be prepared for it.

If she had a conscious she would just reply with I understand and leave it at that but by your other posts and her limiting views of SM stuff I highly doubt it.