Friend asking for money

[Goldilock1234]

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

Just tell her no. You don't want it to impact on your friendship as it did last time. Or as PP have said tell her the money is tied up and you can't access it.

She’s got it back. Says so in the OP.

No no no no NO - absolutely not

🥳

so so refreshing to see on Mumsnet someone actually not being polite and watering down their feelings so as not to cause upset to the person that has caused outrageous upset and stress to them.

I wanna be friends with you and your DDH (darling dead husband)!

She’s already paid it back. It’s in the OP.

It it sounds like your friend just has real problems managing her money - which doesn't necessarily mean she's a bad person or a bad friend... but she just has no self control. She's probably not able to stop herself treating you as a cash cow when she knows you've got money "available". Some people are just like that and I don't think they can help it.

Absolutely definitely don't lend to her again, don't tell her how much you've got left, or tell her it's in a savings or investment account that you can't withdraw from (loads of them exist).

But it doesn't mean you have to end the friendship, as long as you make it clear you've got no money to lend her.

Please do not lend her the money. It's yours for your benefit whenever YOU need it and I'm sure the beneficiary would agree if they were able. If she's a true friend, she'll accept a 'no'.

It really sounds like she needs to learn how to manage her money better.

OP has updated. She’s refused to lend her the money and has told her she is taking a break from their friendship.

I wonder if she needs the money to pay back another "friend" from whom she has borrowed money?
Don't lend her any more. She needs professional support not bailing out.

FFS.

Just say sorry the money isn't accessible anymore. If she asks why say you've protected it so you can't spend it easily.

Both statements are true.

Your money isn't accessible to her anymore.

You are protecting it from her so it can't be spent easily.

But don't say the last two statements.

Just say no. You don’t have to give a reason.

she has overspent, she needs to sort her own life out not keep tapping you.

No, carry on saying no. And don't feel guilty, she messed you around last time and you were lucky it finally came back, don't get yourself into that situation again. No need to explain to her, just keep saying "I'm really sorry but I can't do it this time", no other explanation needed.

I did once borrow some money from a friend, it was a real godsend that they offered to lend it to me. We talked it over, wrote a sort of 'contract' which said how much I would pay each month for a year, so that it was paid back properly and a bit extra to cover 'interest', and then we both signed the document. I paid my proper amount every month and it was all paid off.

If I'd messed my friend about and even missed one payment, never mind them having to chase me, I would have expected to have faced legal consequences and no, I would certainly not have the gall to ever ask again.

Just keep saying no.

Your response was perfect - well done. 👏

I think your best bet is, I do not have it. Its long gone on run of the mill expenses... why do you think I chased you so much? The money was very much needed to pay debts I had!

And throw in a money worry here and there in future. So she never asks again.

Sometimes, strangers, being uninvolved and not invested in the situation, can give unbiased advice from their own knowledge or experience. The OP has indicated she tends to want to help people so it's probs hard for her to say no and people saying they think she should can bolster her to do what she probs knew was the right approach but benefitted from a bit of encouragement

"Sorry, i don't have that sort of money to lend. Hope you sort something out "

"Hi, sorry but the money has been invested and put in trust for the children and I no longer have access to it."

Done and dusted.

I inherited some money a few years ago and told my best friend. Of course she started having issues. I immediately said no, the money had been immediately moved into a trust fund (partially true but nobody needed to know I'd kept some back for a fancy holiday).

If you lend her money a second time you will absolutely not get it back.

She's lulled you into a false sense of security by paying the first lot back but I can guarantee she won't pay it back a second time.

YES OP!!! That’s a brilliant reply. Well done you for staying strong!

Don't do it! Only lend money you can afford to never see again. Ask me how I know 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Don't discuss money in the future CFers take it as a cue to ask for it!

Yeah I read that bit, I'm saying I think (if she's previously been a good friend, which it sounds like she has apart from the money issue) then there's no need to make the break permanent.

Great response, love it. Well done!

Sorry didn't read full thread. Well done!

I wouldn't do the same to her I think is my issue.