To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

Do you want to go to PILs for three days?

All these posters making suggestions of cat toys, catnip, etc., etc., NO stop pandering to this nonsense - if the cat is there you won't be. If you attend and the cat is there despite being told it won't be turn around and leave and make it known that you will do that if you are lied to.

If PIL want to put the cat ahead of their grandchildren at Christmas, their choice and tell them that clearly, if your SIL wants to put her cat (and her behaviour to her cat is cruel as it is clearly stressed) before Christmas with her nephews/nieces, her choice.

Get off this roundabout, set boundaries and stand up for your children, if your husband won't then he is a poor excuse for a dad.

I've two cats who we adore and there is no way I would ever take them with us to another house, totally bonkers!
She needs them to either stay at home or go to a cattery and that's for the cats benefit, bet it would have a lovely relaxing holiday.

I feel sorry for your SIL, it sounds like she's deeply unhappy with how her life turned out.

Your priority needs to be your children though. You can't let them get hurt to save their aunt's feelings. If she won't shut the cat in another room I wouldn't go.

so she treats the cat like her child and sometimes compares the cat to her child ie "she's my baby, as much as X and Y are yours - how could I shut her out / how can I spend Xmas away from her?!"

Fair enough...
If that's how she looks upon the situation.
I'm sure if your DC were to be nasty to her "baby" she'd want you to tell them to stop or even intervene herself, so I'd start doing exactly that to her cat if she won't.

What is wrong with your PIL - if my parents' dog even breathed on any of the beloved grandchildren in the wrong way it would be sitting in the garden all day. They tolerate SIL's cat actually hurting the grandkids?

"Last year the cat injured the children. Obviously we can't risk a repeat of that, so if the cat is staying when the SIL vitists, we won't be coming. It's just not fair on the children."

I second the poster who said, see if you can borrow a dog and break the news that your pooch will be joining them for Xmas

I know a cat that behaves like this. Ignore cat as far as possible, but take a massive supply of dreamies and keep giving them if the cat shows the slightest sign of pestering. With luck the cat will end up so full it will disappear to sleep it off. No point upsetting sad SIL. It sounds as though if you stay with PILs this is how it is going to be, unless you have a screaming row and upset everyone.
But make other plans for next Christmas.

Exactly. Even if you accept that the cat is her baby, that's no excuse. I assume she'd go spare if your children hurt her cat and you refused to even pretend to care.

Maybe tell your children that if the cat scratches or bites them, they should feel free to do the same to their aunty 😂.

Are you sure your child was swinging its legs under the table entirely innocently and not actually kicking out at the cat?

That aside the cat is clearly incredibly stressed and would be better on their home turf being looked after by an experienced pet sitter.

I can understand your sister wanting her little furry ally with her but it's not really fair.

Few but the most outgoing and confident felines do well being transplanted from one environment to another, in my experience. Especially one with lots of noise, child centred activities, disruption and chaos.

Well this fine mess makes a nice change from the families, PILs and MILs from hell and the cousin who always gets drunk and starts a fight.

You have a DH problem.

Let him go on his own.

Your SIL needs encouraged to engage with a good therapist. The family are trying to placate her and are almost steering her towards mental illness to be honest. This has gone too far.

I would put dh in the position of deciding which woman he'd rather avoid conflict with - his sister or his wife.

I adore cats, they are my absolute favourite animals and I used to have very territorial cat at some point of my life. This is not a joke and cat can be very dangerous animal for a small child.
I don’t think there is a way of pussyfooting ( sorry) around the issue. You have to put your foot down and only go there if a cat would be kept in a separate room.

Tbh I would tell SIL that I would hurt her cat if one of my kids would be hurt. I would mean and I would do it. It might work.

He won’t though will he ?

I agree.

The choice is

1. everyone works hard to ensure SIL is not upset and gets her own way and accept that the cat will attack people, again, esp your DC or
2. You express your feelings very clearly to PILs SIL and DC and say that they may not want to upset SIL, but they have upset YOU because your DC were hurt by the cat and none of them seem to care as long as SIL doesn't get upset.

There are solutions to this which SIL could try to accept, people have suggested ways of calming the cat or keeping it in another room away from the DC since it is clearly stressed by the change of scene and by the family noise and its not fair on either the cat or your DC. Im sure there are more suggestions on this thread.

and repeat. I know this will be really hard but at this stage you are already in the guilty doc, so you may as well get sent down for a major felony, if you'd be sent down anyway for a minor offence.

I don't think your DH is being realistic saying keep a close eye for several days visit.. he didn't keep a close enough eye last time did he?

You've posted before about your SIL and her cat.
In the past, you've never mentioned that the cat is aggressive.
You usually just mock your childless SIL for loving her cat.
Why are you always so horrible about her?

My DCat sounds quite similar to your SIL’s cat, but the difference is that we’re sane people.

I know a lot have mentioned feliway/kickers/calming treats/catnip sticks. Unfortunately, not one of these things has ever had an effect on DCat’s behaviour.

I would speak to your sil and ask that the cat is shut away ina room with toys and food whilst you eat. If she refuses then you say to her would you want your cat attached by a dog? Because that’s what you cat is doing to my children

t bhh one scratch on the kids and I would be packing the kids up and coming home, making it very clear why and leave dh to sort out the matter on his own

The cat’s behaviour suggests it’s stressed. It’s an animal and doesn’t consciously set out to hurt, so hurting it in response is ridiculous and will just make the situation worse. To be honest, I don’t think the cat is the problem. I think that’s down to SiL.

Sadly OP, your husband and his side of the family, are for whatever reason, unwilling or unable to protect your children. The reason they can't or won't is irrelevant.

As such, it falls to you to make sure your young children aren't injured by an aggressive animal. Either strict measures are put in place, to stop the cat scratching or biting (basically it is absent from the house, or is locked away somewhere), or you don't go. The main role of a parent is to protect their children.

Will echo others though - it's a pretty poor show from your husband.

I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that if that cat hurts your kids you are going to grab it and kick it out the fucking window..

I wouldn't actually do it, but if anything happened I would do a bit dramatic 'that's it' where is it?!!! and start chasing it round.. she will 100% intervene and remove the cat to stop you hurting it.

At which point you can say, 'I did tell you if you let that cat hurt my kids I would go after it' so get it out now!

I'm sorry I would never tolerate any animal hurting my kids 100% unprovoked and would force the SIL into doing the thing she should be doing in the first place, stupid cow.

Children need to learn lots of lessons in life including family dynamics. My advice was intended for if they all went and the cat was there