To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

My friend is partially blind in one eye from a scratch by her grandmothers cat as a young child. It was a beloved family pet and not known to be aggressive (like OP’s SIL cat) but it was wrong place, wrong time for her and she’s had to live with the consequences. Cats can absolutely do some damage.

I hadn’t read your post before I wrote mine but this is exactly the kind of injury I was thinking of. I’m seen horrific videos on social media where a cat has just went wild and pounced on someone.

My friend is partially blind in one eye from a scratch by her grandmothers cat as a young child

@cheddercherry that’s horrific!

I agree Op has a DH problem. That’s even more alarming than his selfish sister.

No, I don't think it is your fault tbh. Your DH is prioritising PIL and SIL over you and your DC. Don't internalise the blame. It isn't you.

The cat might be stressed or it could just be aggressive. I had one when I was a child who attacked people. Two had to see the doctors, one was my grandmother. To be fair he was a farm cat and enormous, heavy and very muscular.
I'm old now and honestly this isn't a problem that has a compromise solution. You can only reach agreements with sensible people and your SIL can't even see sensible in her rear view mirror.
Either feed the cat before you eat or don't go to the family meal. Or get scratched and bear in mind cat scratches and bites are nasty, my Gran was in a bad way for a week or so.

I'd be tempted to suggest a water pistol and kitty gets a blast every time she approaches you or the kids, but really that's unkind and unfair to the cat. Not her fault she has a very stupid owner.

I just wouldn't go. It's not fair to either the cat or your children to put them in a situation where the former is scratching the latter to shreds with the most minor of provocation. Tell your PILs you'll give this one a miss as you've been unable to find a cattery that will take your children over Christmas.

My cat travels with me sometimes, and she is very well behaved - but she isn't welcome everywhere.

Is SiLs cat stressed by unfamiliar environment/people? Try taking a feliway plug in with you, might calm her.
Playpen for the children - or spend time in another room for them.

Failing that - stay home and let DH suffer the cat on his own.

That’s an absolute hard no from me and I have 5 cats no way would I be putting up with that for sake of keeping someone happy your DH needs to step up and tell her that if she insists on bringing the cat then it needs putting in another room while your eating or you won’t be going.

I presume you'd put measures in place to prevent your cat from assaulting young children though, so you wouldn't face this situation. It's perfectly acceptable to use force in self-defence if an animal is attacking you.

Share an article re dangers of cat scratches and say you are concerned given that last year your children were scratched and ask what is being done to ensure this won't happen this year?

Worst comes to worst, ensure children are wearing robust boots style slippers and jeans at dinner time to minimise the possibility of leg scratches

SIL got offended saying that the cat is her family, her everything, would we ever send our child to boarding school even when they're older (not that they are awful places but we would not personally choose to for our own child and she knows this!)

People who compare their pets to actual human children do them no favours - SIL is ignoring the fact that her cat is stressed in this environment but she's too preoccupied with "how could I leave my cat alone for Christmas" to care about its actual wellbeing.

The comparison isn't boarding school. It's whether you'd continue to take your child somewhere that made them so stressed they repeatedly lashed out. Although obviously actually there is no comparison at all, because it's a cat.

Maybe allow your kids to bite their aunt? Or steal food from her plate? Or roam around under the table?

’They’re just as much
my babies as your cat, and I really can’t allow them to be restrained or punished or stunted in any way. It’s just their nature, and I encourage them to be themselves’

just kidding, but I feel your pain

Your SIL might think the cat is 'her world' and love it to bits, but by bringing the cat to a stressful environment like this, she is demonstrating that she know fuck all about animal welfare and a complete disregard of what would actually be best for the cat in question.

Exactly, the cat is clearly showing stress and fear by behaving the way it is behaving and for SIL to enforce that environment and the extra adults and children onto the cat is cruel and shows a lack of care for the cat rather than her purported love.

As to how you word it/what you do, sorry if this is harsh, but you have to stand up and protect your children from harm - cat scratches can easily become infected and if the cat starts to bite which it may well do then that is incredibly serious and will require medical intervention. Why should your children be stressed, uncomfortable unable to relax over Christmas? Is that fair on them? Will they thank you for it in years to come when they think back on their Christmases from childhood?

You need to say that you and your children will not be attending unless the cat is either not there or confined to one room. Your husband can go on his own if he wants and is too cowardly.

Yes there will be fall-out but your children should be your priority and you act in their interests.

She's complaining about everyone not wanting to include her... reinforce that by not taking yourself and the children to a house that is happy to allow them to be scratched up for no good reason.
Your husband is a pathetic piece of wet lettuce subjecting his children to this nonsense.
Keep them away from her and if she enquiries tell her exactly why and hang up as soon as she starts becoming emotionally manipulate.

Cat probably hates being carted about which doesn't help, the cat isn't the problem your SIL is and then the inlaws and husband!

That will be SILs problem when she gets home with the cat RaHaHaHa!

Its pretty simple here, I love cats, adore my boy cat, but there have to be boundaries in place for both cats and kids.

A cat can cause a serious infection via a scratch and, worse case, necrosis.

Google some pics of that and show your husband.

@Tisthesaizon If he doesn’t like conflict why is he ok arguing with you?**

I guess because I'm less dramatic and his family are all hugely worried about ever upsetting SIL because she gets VERY upset about the lack of a man and child

Get the cat some treats and toys to play with in another room while you’re eating? Maybe one of the rolling balls that dispenses treats. Wrap it up for the cat as a present so SIL feels it’s a treat not a punishment / distraction?

Get the cat high on catnip

Honestly refuse to go if the cat goes. If your DH gets pissy ask why he’s putting your happiness and safety at risk. I feel your pain. My mum used to have a mental cat who would sit on my head as I slept (mum had an old house where doors didn’t close properly so it always got in). I had to scream for help when I woke because if I moved it would scratch my face. I had scratches down my face for 3 weeks once because in a sleep fug, I didn’t realise it was on my head and I tried to change position and it went to town on my face. I’m lucky I didn’t lose an eye. I had to tell my mum that I wouldn’t visit again unless she put the cat in a cattery during my visit (thankfully she did). This was before kids, no way would I even entertain the idea now!

I and my DM (separate houses) always keep our DCats in another room with food, water and litter tray if visitors come over for dinner or a party and the DCats can come in to see the visitors if they want to or not. They’re not scratchers or biters though but it’s just to be kind to them and the visitors.

SIL here should be putting her cat into another room whilst you visit.

Is it a Bengal by any chance? They're insane fuckers.

SIL sounds like a total pandered-to child.

get the children to wear jeans rather than having bare legs.

I am not as OTT with my well behaved cat (who'd be more likely to hide under the sofa or take herself of to another room), but I am offended by people knowing she's a she, but referring to her as "it" I think may pet owners would be.

I wouldn't take my children into that situation tbh. There's been many posts about pets that are aggressive to children, the vast majority being dogs but the situation is the same - if the narky pet is there, my kids wouldn't be.

It's unfortunate for SIL that she's over emotional over her pet, but the behaviour just isn't acceptable in company and that's the end of it. Either she leaves her cat at home - where it will be MUCH happier - or she forces it to suffer the stress of being in a strange place without even giving it the peace of a quiet room with a litter tray and no little kids running around.

This scenario is just cruel all round - to the poor cat and the poor kids. I'd definitely stay at home.

If it was me, I'd be saying something like:

"Sorry, DH. I hear that you want to keep everyone happy, and I was willing to try this to keep the peace. But last time we did this, our kids got injured. So that's not a situation I can take them into again. This is no longer the option that "keeps everyone happy", is it?

"You can go and stay with your parents for Christmas if that's non-negotiable for you. But it's non-negotiable for me that my children are safe and happy. So we will stay at home. Maybe your parents could come round for Boxing Day or New Years and see the kids' new toys? We'd love to have them. (But the cat is not welcome. Obviously.)"

The fact she thinks having a cat is the same as having a baby is enough for me to fake a stomach bug on Christmas Eve and stay at home