To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

@@Hoardasurass

Absolutely post photos of the damage and say you will not be having parties again and this is why.

Surely the parents noticed the damage?????

This. As a child I played in neighbours’ houses in our street, up to eight of us at any one times. We wouldn’t have dared do any damage.

You were incredibly foolish to leave a pack of 3-6 year old children in your home with plug sockets, electrical equipment, food, running water, wardrobes, glass, chemicals unsupervised, with none of the familiar bounds that they have built up in school, daycare or their own homes. You're very lucky there have been no injuries.

The power vacuum created by a complete lack of supervision was filled by the newbies, who soon unlocked the wilful spirit of chaos that exists within every child. The adults are all at fault.

Next time tear yourselves from the drinking/boasting/swinging and make grown ups supervise on a rota.

I wouldn’t have that family join again tbh - sounds like the kids have absolutely no boundaries or discipline and I couldn’t be dealing with that!

YABU for leaving so many children unsupervised - if the oldest is 6, how old are the rest of them? The fact that they were able to leave the house is shocking and you're lucky no one was hurt

Her fourth paragraph

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

mumsnet is so hilariously insane sometimes

We’ve hosted, and been guests at, numerous house parties over the years, from when DC were toddlers (now 13 & 15). Never have they, or any of the other children attending, drawn on walls, damaged furniture etc. They would be an odd broken glass, possibly spilt juice/lemonade, a toy might get broken, but never seen that sort of damage to someone’s house.

I'd suspect the 2 new, older children were the primary instigators, too, based on what you said combined with their parents shitty, poor parenting response when asked to intervene, "What's the point? They never listen to me!"

I wouldn't have that family or those children in my home again.

What did the other parents (friends, presumably!) say when you told/showed them the damage?

😆

Don’t invite the “there’s no point” parents again.

It’s so anger-inducing to me when people don’t bother parenting. To openly admit it is shocking.

I don't think it's normal behaviour, no. I have had parties like this with similar numbers, and children up to 7/8 with no permanent damage. They would not be able to get off the property unnoticed though, I think that is a concern.

If it is really just these new children then the problem is the parents. I do have a very active livewire child, and I do often spend a lot of time at parties etc managing them/chasing around/having "chats" rather than getting to sit and catch up with the other grown ups like I can when I just have my other child. If they are not willing to do that, then just don't invite them next time. Seems a shame to stop the parties altogether, they're such good fun

I do think the kids are far too young to be left to run riot though so you were very silly to leave them all to it.

They'd never darken my door again. EVER.

The moment the new family said they couldn't control their children, I'd have told them to take them home.

These kind of parties work well when the children are well behaved and the parents will step in and resolve issues when needed to (including taking children home if required). Rubbish parenting, results in this sort of behaviour and it doesn't take many feral children to drag the whole group into it.

Keep having the parties but don't invite new families until you've vetted their parenting. Definitely don't invite this family back. EDIT: But I'd be cautious that the existing kids don't continue to do this behaviour now they've seen it. I'd be more closely monitoring until you're sure.

We have a similar set up when I was growing up (all single parents so not a lot of choice but to bring the children). None of us would have ever dared to cause any damage. We were basically left alone all evening, just sought out a parent if we needed anything. This was in the 80s!

Everyone will be like 'oh gosh, how terrible.. wait you don't think MY kids did that?'

TBH it just sounds as though the kids weren’t being supervised properly- you set yourself that you were being hands off.

I don’t know how many kids there were and their ages but as kids get older they absolutely will test boundaries, especially if there are a group of them egging each other on. I’d hope my kids wouldn’t behave like this but if they were in a bigger group with other kids, I’d not be certain.

Honestly I very much doubt that the new kids are to blame- sounds like they are just getting older and/ or got bored. Time to rethink the party format- I’d suggest a movie and adults taking it in turns to supervise.

YANBU at being shell-shocked, but you were unreasonable not to have asked them to collect their destroyers and leave.

I'm also amazed the parents of the usually well-behaved children didn't call theirs to order as well, because I'd never have my child take part in destroying someone's home.

I feel shocked that 18% of people think you’re being unreasonable! Clearly the ones with unruly kids they can’t control. The parents need to be held accountable for their kids actions.

Assume you have a massive house. I think cut down the numbers next year. Leaving a load of 6yo unsupervised is madness. As the kids get bigger you're going to need to invite less as they take up more space! I'd do a different time of year with a smaller select group.

Anyone who refused to parent their kids wouldn't be invited back.

Whether or not you tell everyone about the damage is up to you? I wouldn't want to say anything to everyone as it would sound blamey.

I've had this "I tell them, but they take no notice" thing from my next door neighbour about their kids kicking footballs into my garden.
That is not parenting. It's lazy, they're making a rod for their own backs and inflicting their bad decisions on other people.