To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

OP shouldn't have to 'expect' her house trashed simply because there are small children in attendance. Some damage yes, but not this level of destruction. Sounds like this one set of parents simply can't be arsed to parent. They will soon see invitations dry up if they allow their kids to be feral, which will be a shame for the kids too but that's not OP's problem.

I wouldn't cancel the parties altogether if you still enjoy hosting them OP, just don't invite this particular family again. They definitely sound like the problem.

The children from our old NCT group are now the same age as OPs and the worse they ever do, even when there's a load of them together, is get too many toys out at once. I honestly never worry about what they're up to and only check on them for safety reasons. Conversely some children from school are dreadful and not a chance would I leave them unsupervised even in a group of 2 and 3. I think it depends massively on the children.

Also to add 1 of my children is autistic and has ADHD. The other one is under assessment and is very likely to have ADHD and also possibly autistic to. They wouldn't dare behave like that. They have been brought up to respect our home and others.

YANBU to not want to do it again, but you are definitely being unreasonable to be surprised this is the outcome of several hours (presumably if it's a party) largely unsupervised mob play.

I think it may be unfair to put all the blame on the new family

Agree with PP, share photos of the damage and say you've enjoyed previous parties but will take a break for s few years

If you asked the parents of the new dc to intervene, and they didnt…they would be getting photos and a request to make good the damage their dc instigated. If they paid up and apologised then I would consider inviting them again BUT those dc would have to stay under their parents eye and/or a teenager paid to ‘organise games’ keep an eye on the trouble makers

For all the other parents, if you know them well, I would consider a group message saying that there were a couple of new ringleaders this year and it had got out of hand and you will be talking to your dc about not following the lead of other dc into being naughty, and they might want the opportunity themselves as a learning point for their dc. They will see which parents were not on the group chat and deduce accordingly.

I agree. 'Accepting' that children will just destroy a house to this extent is lazy - whether it's your kids doing it or not. Kids, especially at 6/7 years old should definitely know that's not OK and know how to respect other people's things, even if an adult isn't in the room all the time.

That being said, perhaps there could have been a little more supervision from the adults. This amount of damage going on and still no one took charge seems a bit naive. And as a PP said the fact that they left your property and went to the neighbours without any adult noticing might need a bit of reflection.

I wouldn't stop doing the parties, it sounds like you enjoy them - and kids all playing together while the adults chat is a great rite of passage. I'd chalk it up to (an expensive and frustrating) experience and perhaps either don't invite that family again or change the way the party goes to make sure there's a bit more adult-contact and ground rules.

I wouldn’t stop having the parties but wouldn’t invite this family again

Interesting (and pleasantly surprising). My baby isn’t born yet but I would have assumed it would be an absolute no go to leave groups of young children unattended. Pleased to hear this isn’t necessarily the case!

We used to host and go to lots of parties like this when the children were small. This is waaaay out of the ordinary. Honestly I just wouldn't invite that new family again

Obviously it is terrible behaviour but they must of been left unsupervised for a long time. It’s really unsafe kids that age were able to get out the house to play knock a door run on the neighbours and surely after checking on them the first time and noticing your house was being trashed you would stop the party/ ensure it was sorted.

That would be the last party I ever had with them if I was you.

That would be the first and last time that family ever came to my home!

As for the others, well use your judgement. I know it can be hard to know when you're playing hostess to lots of adults and don't have time to fully supervise every single child, but as DC get older yes you can have more trouble and it only takes one troublemaker to make others, who would otherwise behave themselves, behave badly. But no parent who abdicated responsibility for their own kids would ever be setting foot in my home again.

My parents come from large families. Mum was one of 11 and there would be loads of us grandkids around her house every Saturday. We weren't supervised, the big ones may look out for the little uns. We'd be round the neighbours houses with their kids, round uncles and aunties when they were at nans....we never did anything like that

Hopeless parents/ feral children.
Doesn’t take many ferals to whip up others, as you have found out.

Never invite these awful people again.

That's why I never have parties or indeed, overnight visitors at home.
People sometimes behave like animals, when in somebody else's den.

Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

Children push boundaries the older they get, it's what kids do, and what they should do, it is part of their development. Especially when they are in a pack 🤣 Obviously that shouldn't be extending that to outright vandalism, but thinking you can leave them essentially unsupervised at that age is naive. Someone should have been keeping a closer eye on them and nipping any shenanigans in the bud.

The new kids might have led the (willing) others on this time, but next time it could be any of the original kids that are the instigators as they develop and starting pushing boundaries too. It doesn't mean they are "bad" kids, it means adults need to be more alert to any guidance that is needed.

Well what do you expect when there is a lack of supervision. They were far too young to just leave them to it.

And once you discovered it, and the parents did nothing, I would have stopped the party.

As usual, no consequences leads to unruly kids.

We do this as well, and in my current place atm I have minimum 6 kids running around regularly. When it's a gathering there's up to 20 kids (now eldest is 10 but we did this for a while) and never had these issues!! Mess 100%, broken stuff sometimes. Kids knew the rules of no eating outside of the food areas where there are adults etc (we don't risk choking) they even go outside and run around like a tribe and if anything happens they come get us adults. We stay with the youngest kids and generally watch over. Now, what i will say, is during summer holidays we get visiting kids. This toooooootalllllyyyy can change the dynamics of the reg crew and we've had some falling outs etc - but what you've mentioned, never! We've had kids with bad ideas but the regs have a strong moral compass but they're mostly 7 - 9 atm.
I'd go with "please discuss with your children about x y z" and send pics and prewarn you will think about the next annual gathering.

I honestly think it's strong personalities let's call it, and dynamics can change with fresh kids. I also do a mini pep talk when I have more than 4 about respecting my home etc when they arrive. A gentle reminder that I don't tolerate nonsense and their party will end real quick and they'll be going home. The parents though are really with it and would take the kids and discipline or try to or go home.
Don't let it put you off, I'd reconsider the family that didn't fit in with the event sorry to say and try again, but be much firmer with the invite and upon arrival with the kids.
I've also had to not invite a family because of other dynamics like majority don't like that kid unfortunately (she's lovely but just doesn't glue with the reg crew) and there was a lot of bickering and whinging so I just figured nah. Although she's a very possessive kid one friend at a time whereas the reg kids are all play together so they didn't glue well. We just have play dates separately with a small group. Sometimes kids just don't go well together.

I'd hate to stop, I'd def try again by going back to original setup before that horrific stuff happened. I truly love these gatherings and the kids are so happy and I hope they'll grow up with fond memories of our gatherings!

I'm so glad I don't live next door

How TF did some of the kids manage to even get as far as knock a door run!? It sounds like none of them were being supervised in the slightest

Did any of the other parents support you when you raised it with the new parent? This might affect my answer.

I host Thanksgiving and there are around 10 kids there. 'Youngest' was 6 before we started standing back and leaving them to it but we still have to be on top of it now that they're 8-12. It's crazy to me that you'd leave toddler unattended for that long. I don't understand this at all honestly.

I'd delete this family of course but also really think about who is actually in charge here. We automatically take turns and any one of us can tell any of the children to stop doing whatever or intervene for safety or whatever. You needed to take control if the parents weren't. And also someone needs to be watching these kids!