To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

Now I am a grande dame/ middle class woman of a certain age 😏I would have replied to 'What's the point?' with 'The point is that your children need to learn some manners and how to behave. If you don't feel able to manage it yourself, I will discipline your children for you' and then read the children the absolute riot act (it wouldn't have done the other children any harm to watch this happen), made them clean up their mess and then told the whole family it was time for them to leave. I might have said that I would forward them the bill for any damage to furniture too.
This is the trouble with some parents, they let their children do what they want, don't apply consequences and just want to be liked. Children will often make as much noise/ mess/ trouble as they can get away with and the result it that it spoils it for everyone else.

I feel a group of children this young should be supervised. There's potential for showing off, getting hurt, inappropriate games etc...damage to furniture is inconsequential in comparison to what could happen.

Yes, the dynamics have changed this year but you and the other parents should have anticipated this, it's not all the fault of the older children. You've been really lucky so far.

Don’t be so damn flippant, is this how you raise your kids?
Why should OP expect vandalism and complete disrespect of her home? Is this what we get from children these days? And do they do they wreck their own homes?
I’m struggling with this, because I know our grown up children would not have taken part in this vandalised and harassment of neighbours when they were children as they were taught right from wrong, and they would know behaviour like that would not go unpunished.
Given the statement when someone said ‘they never listen to me’ sounds more like ‘I can’t be bother to parent my children’.
If I were OP I’ll be counting the cost of the damage and sending invoices to the parents. What a terrible demonstration of complete disrespect for OP from so called friends.
You reap what you sow, if patents don’t put the time and effort into raising children to be responsible, respectful, and accountable they turn into selfish entitled brats.

“what's the point? They don't listen to me!'.”

This is your answer. The parents in the new family choose not to actually parent their children and this is the result.

If the oldest kids are only 6 then it's your own fault for not having them more closely monitored. How are children so young able to get out to play knock a door run?? You also shouldn't be jumping to conclusions about it being the new children who instigated it. Children who are so young are often changing and are unpredictable.

We had a birthday kids party for 30 9year olds and although at times they ran wild they did absolutely no damage at all. Destroyed nothing, drew on no walls. No parents, just a lovely wild bunch of weans. I definitely wouldn’t have this family back.

That was my reaction as well. I know if anything serious happened then parents would be told but by then it's too late. It only takes one to lead the others with this much lack of supervision, which has happened. Defo for too many at so young an age to leave to own devices. Xx

completeley agree. Madeleine Mcain Vibe. I find it totally irresponsible and Lucky that nothing major have happened before. Oldest 6, wow.

Just pay 2/3 nannies. if you all can host/ go to a party you can surely chip in to have at least a proper responsible person/plp on charge.

I think you’re either a bit lacking in imagination or you’re a bit anti-social! We hosted a get together recently. About 14 adults and 20children. Adults in the kitchen, kids all over the house and garden. Youngest was 4, oldest was 10. It was a lovely time with drinking adults and very excited children (Halloween so we all went out trick or treating and the kids were buzzing!). Nothing got broken, nothing got trashed. The difference might have been that all children are respectful and well disciplined.

OP you have had a rubbish experience but don’t let it put you off these lovely occasions for good.

This level of judgey just sounds like jealousy to me.

I wouldn’t have thought it was ok to ask them to leave for fear of being rude but I’m glad you posted this because now I think if something similar happened to me, I would ask them to leave, nicely. We are so conditioned into being good girls it really fucks is in the long run. Sorry this happened to your house in the busiest run of the year. We used to host a winter party the first weekend of December but it died a death when we all had kids. Good on you for keeping it going this long. Ours has changed to a summer picnic outside but was cancelled due to bad weather twice. Swings and roundabouts.

This must be peak MN now - just reach into your contacts and hire the two or three nannies that you know.

I know grownups who started off as little ones like this.
Never held to any accountability, never punished for bad behaviour — so they float through life damaging property and people.
I know one person who sank a boat on a lake and managed to lay the blame on somebody who wasn’t even there — it’s the parents who hold the responsibility for these nightmare people.
Get a grip on your kids before they do real harm to themselves or others.
It’s your job.

I'm so very sorry, what a shame. I agree with other people, I wouldn't host in my home again. My son invited a girl to tea once, I think they were 7 - she also led the 'let's find and open the Christmas presents'. They did find them and he shouted for me, he knew it was wrong.

As I’ve said above - I’ve hired a party entertainer for every ‘house’ party I’ve had. Frankly, even with the drinkers amongst my friends I always break even on the wine/booze that’s left over. It usually keeps me going for months afterwards. And that way I know the kids have been kept entertained/safe, are usually happy to be plonked in front of Polar Express/or similar later on. Never had any issues. Keeping the kids downstairs where adults can [have to] see what they are going also helps.

But then, I also have an amazing FiL who was game enough to be Santa and appear in the evening with the secret santa gifts I’d got the parents to bring with them. He is bloody epic and easily repaid with a large bottle of red and a comfy chair in the corner.

ETA
but I probably have middle class woman of a certain age privilege so my opinion won’t count…

@discomongoose Wow, I thought you were going to say the kids were teens or similar.

If you think it's normal for teens to destroy homes, then I pity you.

YABU writing 'adulting'.

You said the oldest kids were 6, then you said they were 7, almost 8. Which is it?

You describe it as an annual event which suggests it’s been going on for a few years, and that the kids have always been left unsupervised. Have you really been leaving toddlers unsupervised in previous years? This seems wildly unsafe and unlikely. Are you sure you haven’t supervised less this year and that’s why they’ve all gone feral?

I think it's either naive or wishful thinking to believe you can not supervise a group of young kids while the adults occupy another bit of the house for a party.

You are for quoting the entire OP.

Thank you; much appreciated.

Totally agree

but I probably have middle class woman of a certain age privilege so my opinion won’t count…

I'm middle class and middle aged @CautiousLurker1 so I'm not sure why you think your opinion wouldn't count? However I would question how many people would realistically have the means to hire 2-3 nannies for a party - and that's before the likelihood of them wanting to do so.

I don't understand why everyone wouldn't just get a babysitter for their kids and enjoy a proper child free party? I'd definitely not be able to relax and have fun at a party with my 3 year old there, I wouldn't be able to properly switch off. Surely that's the sensible option all round? Then the adults get to relax and party, and the kids are properly supervised. 🤷‍♀️

I'm quite suprised you've not had issues with that many very young children having
Loose supervision and the run of things but if you've found a group of kids that do mix well
Like that I'd stick to it. No fault of other kids sometimes but the dynamic changes.

I wouldn't invite kids back where you ask the parents to intervene and they say "they won't listen to me" that's really bad. If mine were behaving like that to the point I'd been asked to intervene we would have left