To feel shell shocked at the party aftermath?

[outofbattery]

I'm a bit shell shocked and need to air my thoughts somewhere.

We had a party at home last night. It's an annual event, with 8-10 families. So about 30-40 people. The parents are usually in/around the kitchen and dining area and the kids have the run of the lounge and kids bedroom upstairs. Pretty hands off adulting. Kids get checked on periodically/we're not far away if needed. This has worked well for years, with the amount of supervision decreasing as the kids get older. We're just next door if anything starts sounding suss. The oldest kids who usually come are now around 6. I'd say usually it takes me around an hour to clear up the chaos of the fancy dress box, toys etc from the kids. Very few broken items (accidents happen, that's fine) or disasters. Everyone plays nicely together.

Yesterday we had a new family in the mix, and I cannot believe the difference. The children (not just the two new ones I'm sure, but they seem to have been the instigators) have drawn on walls, hammered a wooden table with I presume a pen so it has chips in the varnish and dents in the wood, they've taken additional food and hidden the evidence (wrappers stuffed down the back of the sofa and under the carpet etc). They played knock and run on my neighbours door (climbed the garden fence which the littlest definitely can't do), kept turning up the music till it was deafening, used fruit shoots as water pistols. A bunch of the kids were discovered under the bed in my room at one point as these children were leading a hunt for Christmas presents. Anything I asked them not to do they then either did or tried to get others to do it. They lied directly to my face, convinced the youngers to carry out tasks which would get them in trouble. The list goes on. I asked the parents to intervene several times and the response was 'what's the point? They don't listen to me!'. I know it wasn't just them doing the things, but I'm very certain it was the older/newer two leading the way on everything. Am quite astonished how quickly the other 15 or so children stopped behaving like the nice, trustworthy, chilled out kids that they usually are.

I can't decide whether it's these two in particular and to never invite them to my home again, or is this just what we have to look forward to from 7 (almost 8) year olds?! We've honestly never had an issue in the past even with 10+ tiny toddlers/preschoolers/5 year olds running riot.

Really upset about my walls and furniture :( feel like I've come into the scene of a 'teenagers left alone' party, not a bunch of 3-7 year olds!!

I'd assume with that many people it would be noticed incredibly quickly and dealt with. We have fire blankets and an extinguisher as standard in the kitchen, there weren't any candles or flames in the house.

Fire when we're all asleep is much more of a fear of mine. Check the alarms monthly.

We used to hold a big annual party like this. We had one year where the kids behaviour was terrible.

What happened for us was the kids got old and adult supervision was less so they took advantage - we had kids climbing on our roof (flat but still) and using stuff in our garage as weapons.

So with the party invitation I stated a list of expectations- like please tell your kids that the garage is off limits. I also did more kids activities (like a movie room) and did a bit of kid proofing in my party preparation.

Bloody hell, how big is your house?

So many kids should not be allowed to just run riot unsupervised, I would say the older they get the more problems there will be. 5-6 year olds are sooooo different from 7 and above. I would also not allow older kids mix with the little ones without adults watching over them.

I dont think "new" kids are a problem. They might be problematic, but I think the ages between 7 and about 12-13 are the worst to be left on their own.

We were told about the fence jumping very quickly. The leggy 8 year old (wears age 11 trousers) stood on the water table (which was in all fairness pushed against the fence in it's 'winter spot'), hopped into next doors garden, knocked on their back door and then used their patio furniture to hop back. Some of other kids came running in and told the adults who were sat next to the back door, who then caught the kid coming back over and that's the point I got outside and said that was fundamentally not okay, the garden was now out of bounds unless adults were out there. Everyone came back inside for a bit and then we took turns to sit out in the garden to keep watch. It was a mild night so was nice for them to be outside if they wanted to be.

But yeah fair point on kids getting cleverer. I thought the toddler chaos years would be the hard yards supervision wise 😅 Was using my own childhood experiences of being left totally unsupervised just hanging out with the older kids. Appreciate the world is different now and they'd always be in the same house as us rather than in an outbuilding or different house like we were! We've had a bit more cheek today than I'm used to so definitely a night of strength in numbers has emboldened my two for sure.

Agree. Children are very easily led and they need a lot more supervision when they're in a group than they've been getting.

The fact they could leave the house without the adults noticing on this occasion is troubling.

All the children needed more supervision. You've all been getting away with something that could easily have turned into a disaster for many years. The difference this year was deliberate destruction and mischief, but in years past, those young children could have had serious accidents.

For the future, I'd not invite the new family again. I don't know how you'd assign liability for the damage to your walls and furniture or go about having anyone make it good financially. You may have to suck that up. I guarantee your neighbours have been pissed off about the door knocking and hoping your next party will involve more supervision of the children.

Well,I don't think you'll be inviting THEM again.

The OP says there were toddlers as well though... Would you leave your six-year-old alone upstairs supervising 2-3 year olds?!

@outofbattery
The children were allowed access to the garden?

We also have a fire alarm upstairs.

Thankfully though that didn't happen so something not to get too mentally stuck on.
Like when my kid was learning to ride his bike and was all of 3m away from me and my mum decided that was the moment to say 'what if someone in a car just snatched him, that would be terrible!' erm, yes it would, thanks for that nightmarish image. Can worry about all sorts of scenarios, or you can take sensible steps (like no open flames and working incredibly sensitive smoke alarms which go off if I burn toast!) and try to live without too much anxiety.

Any responses in the group chat yet?

We don't have a group chat, not my thing.

But yes few responses from the individuals saying thanks for a good party and 🫣😕😯 to the pictures.

Some basic entertainment perhaps (a DVD for instance), but definitely someone constantly supervising, whether that meant hiring a local teen to keep an eye on unfolding play or having a rota of parents doing kid duty. This is common sense, surely?

Sorry, misread that! Anything apologetic from the ineffective parents?

When you said “supervision decreasing with age” I assumed these were tweens/teens. The oldest ones are SIX?! And you expect a group younger than this not to not create total havoc if they are barely supervised…? Sorry but this is down to the group of parents…

You need to supervise young children. End of,

Yes the hosts of the party are well off but it's the responsible thing to do if you want parents to leave a pack of small children unsupervised for hours. It's a miracle that no child was seriously hurt in such a setup, and that the hosts felt comfortable enough to take responsibility for it.

Tbh what usually happens at these parties is that there's one helicopter mum who stays close by her child and essentially ends up taking care of all the kids for free. Maybe this was the first party where all the adults decided to sod it and therefore the kids went feral.

I have a 7YO and 3 YO. Whilst my two behave they need close supervision when they have playdates as little children encourage each other and can make a mess/get into danger very quickly. This was always going to happen, you need to supervise your DC better and take responsibility along with your mates. I wouldn't be comfortable standing back and leaving my two to it to the extent they get into so much trouble, aren't some of the other parents uneasy about this?

I think you’ve been too lax in previous years with the age of the children you’ve referenced. We do a similar free rein type garden party every year and someone has generally always taken a turn to check the kids aren’t being totally feral especially if they’re in the house and someone always had an eye on the very littlest (who has happened to be my own). In a group someone often needs to be asked to be responsible for a bit as otherwise everyone else assumes it’s someone else’s problem. When my youngest was a toddler I’d actively ask someone to keep an eye if I was busy with food etc.

Someone will also normally take a stint at doing some football or a game with the kids. With a mixed age, the youngest will often follow the older ones and do something stupid. Any hint of a child drawing on the walls then they’d have had a massive telling off both from me and their parents. I only do this each year at a large scale because 80% of the time the kids are out in the garden burning off energy. There is no way I’d do it inside the house for that many at this time of year. I’m amazed the clear up wasn’t more tbh.

Oh I thought you meant specifically for this event, with this group.

Otherwise...parents milling around, following the ones who still want to hand hold, being in the lounge, then the kitchen, going in between when asked to react to a toy that's been built or sort out a costume, or go to the loo, popping their head in to a room if there are kids in there, closing and opening the stairgate when that's in use, helping them get food and pour drinks yes...BUT not actively sitting down playing pass the parcel, doing jigsaws or reading stories with them. Someone might have been in the lounge having a chat, but it wouldn't have been with the sole intention of watching children. That's how it's worked previously. This year it felt like there was less active sitting in the lounge, but still the following toddlers in and out so parents were periodically around. You can get from my kitchen to the bottom of the stairs and lounge in 4 or 5 steps.

I had to reread yours a moment there too!!

Wasn't me who messaged them, but I think it's been a similar 'Oh dear! Thanks for the invite, looking forward to the next one!'