Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

It's a safeguarding issue for BOTH children.

I immediately thought it would be two kids/group of kids playing silly sods -maybe he had a friend over and it was all hilarious at the time, until the reality kicked in the next day. There were a group of village kids here who did something really bloody stupid the other day while messing around at the playing fields. Usually absolutely brilliant kids, great parents. Just a moment of madness and egging on. All very sorrowful and apologetic afterwards. Kids are dicks sometimes. Lesson learned hopefully.
I'd probably see what pans out tomorrow at school and go from there.

An excellent idea regarding dumb phones. Young children are not equipt to deal with online possibilities regardless of how much they've been taught. There are predators who use any means to engage with children without the parents knowledge. I'm beginning to think there should be a law against children under 14 having smart phones. There is nothing smart about the possible consequences.

He was bothered. He was upset. He showed me the text. As I've said upthread, he is a bit worried this boy will turn his friends against him.

We have talked about it together a few times today and he seems ok. But I will talk about it again tonight before he goes to bed in case it's bothering him still but hasn't fully come out.

I think he's confused why his 'friend' would be so mean. He didn't understand quite a lot of the text to be honest, but what he did understand ('kill yourself' is pretty hard to not understand) did upset him.

We had a family discussion about it this afternoon too, and his older brother was quite supportive too.

I think we r just all (including DS) a bit shocked and confused. DS was happy for me to talk to this boys mum. He knows what the boy said was wrong and he isn't in any way to blame, and we've reiterated that message again today.

DS hasn't ever been bullied or been on the recieving end of anything like this before so it's been an (unwelcome) opportunity to discuss some.of these issues and we have also talked about the boy concerned and I asked if DS knows if he's ok etc.. DS said the boys dad is strict. But he didn't know anything else. He's been for.playdates and likes the mum.alot. We talked about how things at home can effect us and may e the boy is going through things at home that are making him sad and angry etc. and for some reason he's taken that out on DS. DS is quite caring and wants to remain friends with this boy. We've said he needs to protect himself and put himself first. If he chooses to remain friends that's ok, but any further meanness and he needs to tell us or a teacher...etc... immediately. This boy is part of the group of best friends that have been best friends since age 5/6. This is the only time this boy has been meaning like this (as far as I know)

I would still be wondering whether an older child (brother? cousin? etc) had in fact sent it and the mum is covering for him precisely because she knows it is a criminal offence but that a 10 year old is going to be dealt with more leniently than a 16 year old?

@JustWondering222 I've seen this sort of message and heard voice notes to this effect from a few 11 year olds. Don't be fooled. They look about 9 in person and know how to play nice and sweet when needed. Do not underestimate how vile kids can be.

It sounds like at the very least this little boy is accessing stuff he really shouldn't. Kids swear but that stream of invective sounds as if it's been copied from somewhere IMO.

TikTok and SMedia is definitely one place this comes from.

Nice victim blaming

Dangerous talk is not mean. Its dangerous,end off. Im sorry to sound wound up about this but there is no way I'd allow my son to continue a friendship with a child who is showing signs of being seriously disturbed. It is sad but the situation is for the professionals to deal with. I couldn't sleep at night thinking my son was involved with this family. They all need help if their son is behavng like this.

A similar thing happened in my son’s primary school in year 6 between two other boys. The school were informed and they did a class assembly on phones and safe usage. They also took the boys out of class to discuss the use of WhatsApp. As soon as they all started secondary school it never happened again. I think there is something about a year 6 class who are starting to test more boundaries and are outgrowing primary school. That seemed to be the issue with my son’s class anyway. So I would report to school as it did help them all.

Given the nature of the messages, I think you should speak to the other mums and ask them to check their children's phones. It's very unlikely this is his first time writing that sort of message.

When it comes out in the media, if it ever does, about TikTok and paedophilia, the legal fees will be catastrophic.

If you’re on friendly terms, I’d at least let the mum know you’re going to tell the school. You can say a teacher you know advised you this is important for safeguarding other kids (which they have on MN).

You can reassure as far as you and your son are concerned the matter’s over as both she and her son are sorry.

If she’s reasonable, she’ll understand. Just thinking if it were one of my kids who’d sent a message like this, I’d prefer to know if the school was being informed, but would understand.

I agree the really disturbing bit is a 10 year old telling another 10 year old to kill themself. Does make you wonder what’s going through the kid’s head.

If I were the mother of this boy I'd be glad if you brought it to the teacher's attention - imagine if it's not curbed now? He'll be a nightmare teenager if he doesn't have to face up to this.

So what age is okay? 11, 12, 14? The point is that smart phones are here to stay and not going anywhere. This sort of thing can happen at any age. It is more important that children and young adults are coached in how to handle phones. To not be glued to them all the time. To not be using them during meals or tv. To not be frightened to share worrying messages with parents. To have parental controls. And to have outside interests so that the phone is a small part of what they are. The OP seems to be handling her son having a phone well. He shares with her what he has seen and she has access to it. I remember one smug mum at my child's school telling me her son wasn't on any sort of social media. It was well know he was using it at other people's houses under an alias.

Not sure how the school comes into this? Was it sent on a school email address? During school time? I think you should be taking this to the police. The school has no jurisdiction over what happens out of school time

No, but the school can increase their online education time and discuss bullying.

I know there is a dp and sibling (our older children are also friends and have been for years).

The 'I have no idea' was in relation to if they r covering.

Can't believe you haven't asked why he sent the message.

Doesn’t matter whether she’s cross or not. This is very serious. And OP has said she messaged her to say what happened yesterday - and no reply. So if it were me, the next step is the school and possibly the police. It shouldn’t be left to parents. It’s a serious offence and has to be dealt with in that context.

Why does it matter ? It’s the content of the message and the allusion to suicide that matters. Whatever prompted the message can’t possibly justify that.

I expect the boy copied it from an online source or at least was inspired by something he saw / received himself. It's a nasty thing to happen.

Similar experience, but not quite so bad, when dd and her school class were almost all just starting with FB, year 10.

Her best mare put a horrible postup about dd, which luckily I saw first. I rang her friend'smother immediate - we had that sort of relationship - and discovered i was so angry I could barely speak. Her mum got the post tken down straight away. DD and her mate had had a passionate argument and her friend wasn't as Eloquent as dd so put her frustration into FB. Theyremained good friends as dd never saw the actual post. Her mum was always a little wary of me after that sadly.

Absolutely not irrelavent, they're too young for smart phones