Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

My question too.

Have you heard back from the mum yet? X

This

I would raise it with the school (and tell the other mum that you have) very much from a can there be a Year 6 "talk" or similar about the seriousness of words plus it's online bullying and the police can get involved approach.

you're being very vague about what the other mum has said.. and kinda stuck it in the middle of another post in a casual manner.

what HAS the other mum said, and what have you asked her?

Teacher here. You MUST tell the school. I have dealt with things like this at school as have members of the Senior Leadership Team. It's very important for them to know and keep an eye on the dynamics. It's a safeguarding issue.

And your even considering your son should remain friends with this child. He needs professional help. It's a predicament but your childs safety should come first. Block him & take him off group chat & only allow one to one messages. In fact I think I'd remove his phone until further notice.The next time it could be a knife.

I came across a safeguarding issue while checking DS’s online activity when he first started using Instagram in yr6. My DSis and I had an arrangement with our children early on that they had to allow us to monitor and advise them in the early days.

DS did get some hassle for the issue since I brought it to the attention of school. Suffice to say it was a video which was posted during a sleepover, and very much a safeguarding issue even if done in complete innocence. DS didn’t see the video neither did I but it was the comments left that alluded to the nature of the video that alerted me.

There were many occasions in the early days of DS’s online activity where we had to discuss content. But it’s how they learn, in the same way they learn to behave in all other social situations.

In DS’s case he did get blocked from a few accounts because the users were obviously worried that I’d report them. Those who were being monitored by their own parents had no problem. It also meant that DS didn’t receive any bullying or obscene messages.

Once DS started yr7 and was aware of the whole “once you post it, it’s there forever” he was far more cautious about what he posted. Like many young people ( he’s now at uni and in his 20s) they do everything via Snapchat. Is now an adult who is very aware of the risks around social media and actually prefers FaceTime rather than texting.

If you think that this message is a big red flag raise it with school. It could be a bullying issue , someone else may be composing the texts and your DS’s friend may be too frightened to tell anyone.

What is the reasoning behind sending something so vile from the boy and his mum?

I think you’ve handled it perfectly OP and yes definitely contact the school, this is exactly the sort of thing that pushes some children over the edge and the results are heartbreaking. You will give the school the heads up and help to make them aware of any changes in the children’s behaviour.
Well done to your son for showing it to you, it’s something special to have such a trusting relationship.

No. I informed the mum. I queried if it was sent by someone else etc.. Mum replied with no, it was sent by said child and he's very sorry. She apologised. The boy in question also apologised. They explained they understand the seriousness and it was wrong.

I haven't asked why. I don't think it's up to me to take this discussion further with them and probe. The mum is now aware what her son has done. They have both apologised

The answer to 'why' a 10 year old would do such a thing is likely to be v complex and the reason why I will mention to school.

I would definitely be telling school if for no other reason than if there is any come back on your son at school then they are aware and ready to deal with it knowing the background. They can keep a closer eye on the 2 boys relationship for a while.

You should send an email to the school with a screenshot of the message.
At the very least it’s to give them context if anything happens at school and at best they might raise a safeguarding concern about the son and what he’s exposed to. A 10 year old knowing that language seems mad to me.

Thankyou. I will speak to them in the morning

This is a really good point. I'm a police officer and just this week have dealt with no less than 3 incidents of 12 year olds sending nude pictures of themselves to each other. Absolute shit show because when they're out, they're out for anyone to see. Every single parent of these kids don't check their phones and say it's for their 'safety' so I'll be pointing this out next time.

Exactly. I'm still shocked. I can't really believe what I've read. The anger that came through the text and the hostility was awful. The swearing and the kill yourself. So so strange. This is from a boy that plays Lego and colouring and making silly hats with DS! A bit who has been friends with DS for years! I just can't put the boy and the words together it's so strange. But the mum and boy have admitted it and noone else sent it. It was him. Can't quite get my head around it.

And your son has absolutely no idea what he’s done to warrant this torrent of abuse? And he wasn’t bothered by it? That’s really strange.

If it was out the blue, surely he’d be upset that he’s done something, or that other kids at school would take his ‘friends’ side? All sorts of anguish and emotions that kids that age feel concerning their peers.

If he’s not bothered maybe Thai friend has acted this way before and his behaviour doesn’t seem that odd to him.

Could well be sibling/parent bullying and he’s punching down, but there still must have been a catalyst to justify him unleashing all this vitriol through the phone.

Maybe they’re covering? Are there other siblings/dad?

Good to get a police officer perspective.

My children absolutely know about sexting and sending (not to send) nudes etc.. we have a lot of talks about this kind of thing. My children are both aware of 'breck' who was online groomed (and murdered) as well because my oldest plays online games and I've made him watch the film with me and we have talked a lot about this topic. I absolutely do monitor what they send and receive. It's something I consider v important and both my children absolutely know my concerns about anything related to the online world.

Maybe. I have no idea. I'll let school know and I guess if they r aware of anything else they can add this info to what they know.

The child who sent this sounds totally unhinged. Tell the school. This needs to be stopped.

Social media is an atrocity.
What is happening in Australia and New Zealand needs to happen here.
We are failing as a society to allow our children to grow up alongside this.

You have no idea if there’s a DP or siblings I thought you knew the mum?

I absolutely agree with this. I think in years to come we will look back at kids with smartphones and be absolutely horrified..

I'd definitely raise it with the school - see if you can contact the Headteacher to discuss.
Whilst it is something that happened out of school, it's still bullying and also may be a puzzle piece in any ongoing issues they have regarding the child that sent it. If it's out of character then it's a safeguarding 'watch' item.