Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

I would probably log in with both the school and the police. I would be livid

Aww thanks

If.it had been.some.kid we didn't know, that's what I'd have done. This is one of DCs best friends. His mum and I have been out for coffees, drinks, we have socialised together with other mums. Our older children are friends. It felt right to send her the screenshot. Maybe it wasn't right and I did the wrong thing, but given our relationship I thought it was appropriate. Either way, I've done it now. To be fair, I wasn't entirely sure the boy had sent the text himself until mum confirmed it was indeed sent by the boy in question.

As far as 'keeping an eye on how the friendship is going' that wouldn't happen.My child would be banned from mixing with him. I would also stop mixing with his mother regardless of how lovely she is. I would report the behaviour to the school & social services & leave it to the professionals. I would deem this to be a very seroius issue outwith my control no matter how much I wanted to help this child.

I think this is a serious enough situation where the professionals need to be involved. It's not for us to decide if this is serious enough to be dealt with just by the parents or not. In law, it is for the police etc to decide if something needs doing. In child protection it is for social services to decide if investigations are needed. This 100% needs reporting and the fact the mum is nice, is irrelevant.

no phone and this would not have happened. - yes, he could have put an anonymous note in his schoolbag instead, like was done in good old days, way better /s
The issue really isn't phone or whatsapp here.

It is about safeguarding.

But did the mum say why? Had they had a fall out? Why would he just send that out id the blue?

I would report to school - however lovely mum is, why is a 10 year old using such language, what does he have access to / witnessing. You don't know if he has done this to other children or if there is something else going on which can help build a picture. Also a teacher needs to be aware incase there is fallout from this or something is said so they are prepared to deal with.

When this happened to my granddaughter, we reported it to the school, but they just said they weren't interested as it was outside school hours.

If you can, best sort it out with mum.

They r v good friends and have been since yr 2/3. It is v v out of the blue and was a complete shock to my son and to myself. My son is fine about it all now! But I am worried about the boy in question.. I cannot fathom what was going through his mind to send something like this to his good friend??

I think you did the right thing. This is not a school issue. It didn't happen on school grounds, using school equipment or have any relation to school.

The boys just happen to have met at school.

That's not too say you shouldn't mention it to school, in case the boy is sending messages to other children, or behaving strangely to your DC in school. But I wouldn't expect school to take any action towards the child.

For what it's worth, KYS / kill yourself is these days quite normalised on WhatsApp and other social channels sadly as a way of dissing a friend. Awful I know, but seemingly common. Your 13 yo is v lucky not to have encountered this.

I wonder if this boy has seen or received similar messages, they made him feel awful, and is "testing" them out on your DC for some reason.

How's your DC feeling and what will you do now?

It facilities it, makes it easier, more immediate, more threatening, more personal. If it's WhatsApp others can join in, pictures can be shared, stuff posted on line in different forums.
It's absolutely toxic and I have no idea why people let 10 year olds have smart phones.

School will take action.
As pp have said, it's safeguarding. Offensive, threatening and sexualised language needs to be investigated and the parents included in this.

Perhaps the boy who sent the text is repeating things said or messaged to him.

Don’t be daft.

My son's primary has asked that parents tell them about stuff like this, they consider talking to the kids about internet safety, cyber bullying etc part of their safeguarding responsibilities.

You need to tell the school and you can't let your friendship with this boys mother cloud your judgement. For all you know this could be part of a bigger pattern, even things that haven't come to light yet and working on the assumption that this "nice" family will make it all OK is dangerous.For a 10 year old to do this out of the blue, not even in the context of a spat is odd.

It may be that something is going on in the background, it may not, but you aren't in the position to make that judgement. The school also ned to be able to keep an eye on your son in case of follow up from his friend.

Definitely let the school know as this could be a safeguarding issue for the other boy, however friendly you are with his mother. I also think you should block the other child on your son's phone, exactly as you would if someone messaged you in those terms.

This is a ridiculous response. It's nothing to do with 'putting responsibility onto others'. You clearly have no idea what's going on in schools, but those of us who actually work in schools really, really appreciate knowing this kind of stuff. It's unlikely to be an isolated incident and the probability of these things spilling over into school life is very high. We are dealing with stuff like this every single day. Is it right? No. Is it the reality of life in schools these days? Absolutely.

I think you're a bit naive about the use of foul language in primary schools. I think i've heard nearly every swear word whilst in the playground and im sure the teachers within the primary school will tell you they hear them all the time as well. Kids don't really know what they mean but it does seem most of them can use these words in context...

If you are friends with the other parents i think i would have called them before sending the message over.

I'm not sure if we have the same WhatsApp settings as you, but my son has access to a group chat with his 5 best friends where they talk about when they r meeting at the rec etc.. is everyone going to so and so's party, etc.. which I closely monitor. Then the same 5 best friends can text each other individually and again I monitor that and have seen all the texts. It's normally all really sweet stuff! Sending each other smiley faces and funny GIFs of dogs and stuff!! and talking about their adventures building a den in the park, that kind of thing! I think the worst til now was them sending the odd poo emoji! That's all and the only thing my son is allowed and able to do on WhatsApp :)

I know people have concerns about large WhatsApp group chats and people being invited by randoms etc.. but those settings are not enabled for DS and we monitor closely. He has never asked for any other access. He just likes chatting to his close friends.

I genuinely thought this little boy was a sweetheart and in the years we've known him there has been no cause for concern at all. I have been happy for DS to chat with him on the phone and go to playdates etc..

I really don't think the tech is to blame. This boy could easily have said something to DS over the phone, in person, via text, or via a note in his school bag. At least this way I have seen what has been said as DS showed me as soon as he saw it. And I have a screenshot I can show school which is v clear, not ambiguous hand writing to decipher etc..

The more I've mulled this over, the more I wonder if this boy is calling out for help. He likely knows my DS shares everything with me and maybe he intended me to see it. I don't know. But I do think I will mention to school as I'd not forgive myself if another child received a similar text and something bad happened, or if the boy himself came to harm or was vulnerable in some way and I did nothing.

I care about all my DS's close friends. They have been a close group for a long time. So I genuinely am worried about this little boy. Also, concerned how the little friendship group will be next week (DS is worried this boy will turn his friends against him. I think it's unlikely but might be good for a teacher to be aware of what's happened and just keep an eye).

I can understand your concern about informing the school but I would 100%. If you later found out that he sent multiple or further messages to other kids and did nothing, that would be very hard to live with. I appreciate the mum might be upset but her son told yours to kill himself. That steps over a boundary into the realms of “let the professionals deal with this”.

@JustWondering222 have you not asked WHY the message was sent?

I was DSL in a high school for many years OP. Some of the texts etc that I’ve seen in my role are shocking and horrifying. Because of bullying etc, we used to have access to previous infant school safeguarding records. Sometimes older kids had done similar to this friend at similar ages.
I know you are unable to reconcile the lovely, cute lad with the sender of these texts, but they are the same person. You need to accept this. Forget about the mum being a friend and lovely, that’s irrelevant.
This lad has done this, and the school must know, and DSL will hopefully spend time with him to carefully unpack what led him to do this. You are not protecting him if you minimise this, in fact you will be protecting him if you escalate to DSL.

We discussed this today as a family. I think the odd 'oh shit' or 'fuck that' or 'piss off' may well occur. I'm not that naive.

But this text was swearing AT my son eg. 'you are a f!g loser p*sy b?tch...' etc.. etc.. 'you should f£!king kill yourself you p&!sy' type thing. And quite a lot of it. Really horrendous and I don't think this is at all normal for primary age (or older - even no adult would say those things TO someone).