Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

Definitely raise this with school.

But sadly this is what will happen if you let kids who are far too young have unsupervised access to the internet and WhatsApp. If he plays out and needs it, fine, but surely a brick phone which sends text messages would suffice- there’s just no need for a smart phone at all at 10 years old.

The school needs to know because it actually raises a safeguarding concern that this child has awareness of phrases such as ‘eat pussy’. Where the hell has he learnt that from?

@JustWondering222 how are you going to proceed? Did the mum give any explanation or……….something? Anything?

I admit I’d have a hard time trusting him again. That was slightly more than stupidity.

I'd suggest you raise it with the safeguarding lead at the school, just in case there is something happening to the boy that sent it, that triggered this.
And it's very unlikely that your son is the only child that has received an inappropriate message from this boy.

I'm a bit conflicted due to the young age but I'd also ask the safeguarding lead whether you should report it to the police as technically this is cyberbullying - maybe the local police could do a talk at the school on it?

Thanks. WhatsApp and text, under supervision, are the same. This could easily have been a text. He's only allowed WhatsApp texts with his best friends (of which this boy is one). Not really sure what the difference is. A note,a text, a WhatsApp message can all convey the same info..

Definitely tell school, this is a major safeguarding issue which they need to be aware of.

So, the child writing messages about other students … and the head responds that your child shouldn’t have a phone and is part to blame.

What about the kids who are being called names on “class chat” that don’t have phones. They are not at fault because they don’t have phones but vile child is still calling them names and others can see it?

The head, blaming you and your child for having a phone is a shitty response to online abuse being perpetrated by another student.

Head is still shitty. The vile child lost a lot of friends once one of the other parents shared his abusive chats with the class parents on WhatsApp. That mum might have handled it more sensitively if the head didn’t also told her it was her fault for allowing her child a phone.

I don't know. I would quite like to mention to school, so they r aware. However, I really really like the mum and I'd hate to upset her. She and son have apologised profusely as anticipated. But this text was honestly pretty horrific and maybe someone needs to know what this little boy is saying in case it's a cry for help. Obviously mum knows now what was said and im sure will respond well. But maybe for some reason I don't know about, she isn't getting the support or whatever that is needed... I don't know really.

Please report this to the safeguarding team at school. This child may need some help.

I doubt this is an isolated incident.

Not judging your decision at all - but it is possible that the message is a copy & paste job from elsewhere on the web.

What on earth has it to do with the school? Can't believe the number of people on here who think it has anything to do with it. People shoving responsibility onto others.

Because it is a safeguarding issue. I work in a school and children and parents are encouraged to report these things. If you RTFT there are a lot of teachers and safeguarding staff here saying the same thing.

Children have ended their lives over messages like this. If the school knows they can take steps to address it, maybe by doing a school assembly on online safety for instance, looking at their rules, and checking on the welfare of the children involved.

Not really- on a brick phone if people have to send a direct text message they know they can’t go back and delete it (as you can with WhatsApp) plus it can’t receive pictures. Plus if your son were tempted to respond (or if the bully had also had a brick phone) it would take him about half an hour to write a vaguely rude message with old style text writing. WhatsApp just makes it so easy and tempting to send abuse/ inappropriate content to massive amounts of people all at once.

That’s on top of the other evidence that smartphones are terrible for concentration, muggings, awareness of surroundings etc.

I think that people are absolutely mad full stop to hand their kids a smart phone at this age, then give access to apps which are legally not open to them (how did he even get WhatsApp at all?) and then be surprised when things go pear shaped. And yes I do have 2 kids above 10 with no smart phone at all yet- they have access to a brick phone (they are completely disinterested) and may be allowed access to a smart phone once they are 14. Obviously they watch a decent amount of you tube and other rubbish but as yet no social media/ messaging at all.

Well.exactly.

We had a family conversation about this message today and my 13 year old said he could imagine kids in his year using some of the swear words but we are just all shocked about this child telling DC to kill himself. We all know this kid and his family and the whole text is such a shock.

I would have concerns about another, more vulnerable child, being on the recieving end of a text telling them they r a loser, noone likes them and they should.kill themself (interspersed with horrendous, vile, language)

What on earth has it to do with the school? Can't believe the number of people on here who think it has anything to do with it. People shoving responsibility onto others
It's not about passing responsibility. In cases like this there could be something going on in a child's life but nobody knows the whole story. Other people may have bits of information but until it is put together like a jigsaw you won't see the full picture. Of course it could be nothing and be a one off, or it could be a phone pirate just causing trouble between mates, we don't know but school needs information to help safeguard children.

My DC had a similar incident at the same age, at the bottom of it was a huge amount of jealousy and rage from the "friend", the parents being in a crisis point with their marriage and finances. Our messages included some details that only could have come from the friends parents as we had never told our DC so it was clear the underlying problem came at least partially from the parents. So, make sure things between you and your friend are really as good as they seem on the surface despite how lovely they seem.

I also wonder what's going to make the rage go away for the child? While we got apologies from parents and the friend, the issues carried on through the rest of primary school and got progressively worse in some ways (less direct, more sneaky undermining with friends), and didnt get better until they were split up in secondary school. I'd be having a strong discussion with your DC about what a friend actually is.

It's not about telling the school to expect them to sanction the child, it's about letting them know of a serious incident of bullying so the situation can be monitored in school. One of the schools I work in has a Monday staff briefing and will occasionally reference safeguarding concerns that have happened in the community over the weekend as it could well impact the working day. Plus, as others have mentioned, it may be to help support both children in the aftermath given the OP has said the child who sent the message has always come across as a nice child.

Sorry, but an apology isn’t enough here. I would want an explanation for why he did it.

I would tell the school, say what has happened, and please can teachers keep an eye on DS. Hopefully they will also check on the other boy to see what he is experiencing to make him behave like this.

Have you had an explanation as well as an apology? I'd want to know why this boy sent this vile text, especially as you regarded him as a friend to your son.

I understand that you like this Mum....but what is she DOING about the text?

Great minds @CustardySergeant !

Sadly, this sort of thing happens, usually with older children which makes me wonder whether someone else wrote it/ fuelled it. I think that's the concern some people have with WhatsApp. Obviously the same message could have been communicated through other media: it's just that there's a minimum age limit on WhatsApp which means most young people who use it are teenagers. Of course it may simply be that this friend of the same age is allowed to use WhatsApp too but it does make me query it

Following on from the fact there may be comments about taking your own life, or even a suicidal child - it would be good if all parents could have a talk with their children along the lines of 'Who would you talk to if ....?'

Now obviously we all would hope that out children would name us, their parents (as this child did) but it doesn't hurt to let them consider other helpful, trusted people. Grandparent? Family friend? Teacher? Older sibling?

We had a conversation with ours about this and it was very interesting - one grandparent, who was absolutely loved, was not deemed suitable as 'she wouldn't believe me'. One child immediately said us, one hesitated and then said maybe us, one said maybe my (Wilfrida's) best friend.

Back up support is always worth discussing - don't just assume your children will a) choose you and b) know who else they could go to. Get them considering it before any crisis.

IMO you did this completely the wrong way round.Tell school do not engage directly with parents over issue like this it never ends well.