How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

You can't, funerals are public events apart from in exceptional circumstances. You can bar them from the wake though.

Are you likely to predecease them?

Surely they'll die before you so I wouldn't put too much thought into it.

Just state that your ceremony to be private and named attendees only. Unless you want a church funeral
You can't stop them from going to a grave though.

As above, you can‘t really bar them also I would suggest you just write a letter to the people who will be organising the funeral as the will (if not the same people) may not directly be checked for funeral requirements- often these are written separately.

Won‘t you outlive them? Do let the people who you trust know and ban them from the wake/meal afterwards although presumably only close people will know where they are holding it.

Your will is not going to be read before your funeral. There is a legal process which can take months before the will becomes available to the executor.

I'd have thought putting it in your will would be too late. Your will might not even have been looked at before your funeral.

As pp said anyone can attend a funeral. Maybe you should look into a funeral plan where you could let the under takers know your wishes about keeping funeral details private or at least discuss the best options with them

Don't worry about it, it's likely that they'll be long dead when you go.

Even if they're not, you'll be dead!

Worry about things worth bothering about.

Bollocks. The will is available and actionable immediately if the executors are in possession of it.

But it is tricky to prevent anyone attending unless all completely private.

Why would you want to control someone from beyond the grave? I’m estranged so I get that part, it is an open wound, but I can’t imagine why after I died I’d give a shit anymore. I’d imagine though my DH if he were still alive would not be happy about their presence and might ask them to leave but that is his choice.

As above, wills are read AFTER funerals generally and funerals are public events.

Can you tell your nearest loved ones your wishes?

You don’t get to choose who is at your funeral.

You can write a letter alongside the will but the reality is someone else will have to carry it out.

I'm not sure I could do this to my parents if my brother asked similar but I don't know your circumstances.

I wouldn’t spend my life worrying about my death. I am NC with both my parents, I hope to outlive them but who knows. Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about them and that I don’t want them at my funeral or wake. If they turned up I am certain my children would be very clear about how they feel about it but I’ve told them not to sweat it. I’ll be dead and so far worse things than 2 people I can’t stand wasting their time with fake grief would have happened.

Thanks for the replies so far, greatly appreciated x
So if I write a pre-funeral letter specifically about funeral arrangements or perhaps addressed to a funeral director, how would I word that I don't want that person to attend under any circumstances? I need to be quite assertive because my other parent has form for whitewashing and glossing over the reasons why my siblings and I disowned other parent. Remaining parent is the sort to agree to have them there, "to keep the peace" or "for a quiet life". etc.
Yes, there's a high chance I might predecease both parents.

Wills are available to the executors from death. The "reading out" thing only happens on telly and isn't a thing.

You’ll be dead. Why do you care?

If you want someone banned from your funeral you need to tell whoever is likely to be organising your funeral and can be trusted. They can try, but as already said they can't legally remove someone from a graveside. They can only keep the details under wraps/ask them to leave if they show up.

Putting it in your will won't be effective for all the reasons everyone's said.

You cannot stop anyone attending a funeral, but you can put in writing a letter to your Executors managing your Will and your funeral that you don’t wish ….. to attend. My Cousin died this year and was estranged with her eldest DS. He found out about the funeral but did ring his brother to ask if he could attend, where he was told he wouldn’t be welcome. We had someone on the door in case he turned up, who again would have told him he wasn’t welcome, fortunately he didn’t come.

Your will isn't executed until after your funeral. You can lay out your wishes for a funeral - my parents have done this and it proved very useful when dad died and there was none of this "what he would want" conversation as we already knew.

All you can do is write down your wishes and ask a trusted friend or family member to make it clear to the person you don't want to attend that they should not turn up - but this can only ever be a polite request, they are not breaking any law if they do turn up.

And in the nicest and kindest way possible, you will be dead and won't know whether they are there or not.

I would make my funeral by invitation only. There is no need to publish details of your funeral anywhere.
Just make sure whoever will organise knows what you want.
Agree that whilst your will should be read by executors soon after you go, it is probably simpler for them to have your funeral wishes written separately (and easier to change at a later date if needed).

Why do you think you can stop them from visiting your grave?

Are you ill? Why do you assume you will die before them?

You could leave a letter in your home but who would find it? The parent who won't respect your wishes?

Where are people getting all these nonsense ideas about when a will is available and executed? American TV / films? There is no legal process in the UK that means an executor has to wait until after a funeral to access the will.

The only way I think is not to have a funeral. I think that’s what I will do. Then immediate family can arrange their own time to remember you.