How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

It's utter nonsense- this idea that all the family gather round to be told who has inherited and who has been disinherited to astonished gasps and wailing.

Your will isn't executed until after your funeral.

The contents of wills are made known to the executors immediately on death. The executors , depending on whether or not they are family members, may or may not be dealing with funeral arrangements.

not necessarily. I collected the will from our solicitor the day after my husband died. In fact i already knew what was in it and of course executors, anybody in fact, can be given a copy by the testator. There is a legal process that needs to be followed before the executor can distribute the estate, but that isn't what you said?

The only time I experienced a delay in finding out what was in a relative's will, was because the executor was lying to us and obfuscating things to their own advantage.

I was executor for my dad's will and i knew exactly what was in it.

This must be a hard topic to think about and organise, I think that you’re being really brave and I’m sorry you’re getting such difficult replies.

Id go for something like:

I have pre-organised my funeral because it is my specific wish that it is invitation only and that details about it not advertised or shared by word of mouth. My wish is that people who I had a close relationship with in life are able to attend if they wish and to celebrate my lift. It is my specific wish that (full name of parent), who I was estranged from in life, is not invited to the funeral, wake, or any other celebration of my life.

@sarah010179 this would go better in an expression of wishes letter, which you can write to cover all kinds of stuff that wouldn’t go in the will, perhaps explaining reasoning etc.

You can be as clear as you like and can write more than one letter so you could just write one about the funeral saying you do not wish person X to attend.

My mum's wouldn't email it. The funeral director picked her up from the hospital on presentation of the green hospital release slip. An appointment has to be made to pick up the death certificate, then time made to do everything else, alongside normal life. So you can get the will just as the funeral is happening (as said), but it isn't a necessity if there isn't family arguments going on etc. So we got my Mum's afterwards.

OP, I hope it's ok to ask a question. You don't have to answer. Have you put anything in place that would prevent your parent from visiting your bedside in hospital if you were incapacitated? For example in a coma. If so, how does that work?

I want to put something in place for myself.

Can we dispense with the nonsense that wills are read. There's no legal requirement for will reading and I've never known it to happen except in period dramas.

It's difficult to exclude someone from a funeral - especially if they're that sort of person, in which case other mourners will probably see them for what they are anyway.

My advice would be to care more about living a good life while you can.

This is not practical. Don't worry about it - it won't bother you at the time so somewhat ridiculous! Perhaps they may have a mea culpa moment anyway.

This is only true on tv. My nan told all of us where her will was kept so when she died it was opened. It contained instructions about the funeral as well as information about who was to look after the cats (me). It's probate that takes months, everything else is quite simple.
However, you can't ban someone from a funeral. My uncles tried and she turned up anyway. Cue lots of unnecessary drama at the graveside which was actually quite funny and nan would have enjoyed it.

Theres usually a line in a will stating ‘I wish to be cremated and scattered in the park’ or ‘buried at st Mary’s’ or ‘donate my body to medical research!’ So think it is usual that the will is looked at before the funeral. And totally normal to have a copy at home, ours are renewed every 10years or so, and there’s always a paper copy in hand.

I think it will be tricky to keep someone away that was determined to attend, particularly if the parent organising wants them there.
The only way i can think of is direct cremation - sorry this is something you are having to think about OP.

But you’d be dead so how would you even know or care at that point

You will be dead, you won’t know or care. Funerals are for the living, so let them sort it out.

Death certificate picked up within a few working days, assuming will is lodged at a solicitor's, a couple of days to arrange a convenient time for the executor to then collect will. I would say it's a rarity for any will to not be seen before a funeral takes place, in the UK.

Not having access to a Will for months, sounds so wrong. What happened to your dgf’s estate in the months before his Will became available, regarding property insurance, utility bills, any benefits, pensions or personal bequests etc.? Some things just can’t wait for months to be dealt with.

When my dm died, my elder brother started making decisions about her estate, within 2 hours of her death. I informed him to stop as my younger brother was named as the executor and would be dealing with her estate. When he started arguing, I told him that she had given me a copy of her Will and this was her choice. The only thing my younger brother wouldn’t be dealing with was her funeral, as she wanted me to arrange this. I gave my younger brother the copy as soon as I practicably could. Elder brother was not happy, but it was dm’s choice!

It wouldn’t have been possible to carry out her last wishes, if we hadn’t had access to her Will for months.

OP do you have someone who you could trust to sort out your funeral not to tell either parent about anything? That's the most likely way to get what you want. Nothing has to be publicised, and you don't have to have a grave or permanent memorial anywhere public either. They can't visit what's not there.

If you don't, then I'm not sure the funeral directors are going to be able to do much given that they won't have the right to make someone leave a funeral. In which case it might be better to make your peace with it.

How do you think it will be enforced? If a person wants to attend and doesn't listen to the funeral director, I suppose they could call the police but I'm not sure the police will attend unless there is a crime.
You could allocate finances for a security guard to deter the person.

Have you spoken to the other parent? Perhaps threaten them with also not attending if they allow the person you don't want there.

Regarding access to the will; my late dad's papers were in a mess, he'd moved to a care home, was demented for years, and his will had been written while he lived abroad. Luckily he gave me a copy when he wrote it; otherwise I genuinely don't know what would have happened next to find the will.

I know that's an unusual combination of events, but I'm proof that it happens. The best thing is "belt and braces" and to let people around you know what's in the will and where it is.

I don’t think this is true. The executors of my will already have a copy of it, and it includes my funeral and burial wishes. I expect they would lift it out pretty soon after news of my death. Where else do people keep their funeral wishes? Eg cremation vs burial preferences?

Well, if you want to go nuclear even though you'd be dead, literally, then leave a letter to be read out loud at your funeral should the estranged parent insist on being there (no doubt pretending they were a fabulous parent to you) even after being told they weren't welcome. Said letter could put to rest ANY doubts that your wishes were even be disrespected in death, as they were there, and that you'd been no contact with them due to their toxic/narcissistic/selfish behaviours, which was probably on show as my last letter is being read.

Have anyone who would read such a letter at your funeral?

Your will distributes what you own you can’t dictate how third party adults behave in it.

For the avoidance of doubt, the contents of wills, if not already known to the executors, are made known almost immediately after death. It's not unusual for wills to contain funeral directions or a letter of wishes is kept with the will.

Wills are not "read" or "read out".

Who would be organising the funeral do you think?

If it were me I’d ask the person arranging it to I make it really clear what you want and the type of personality I have I’d probably ask for them to put a sign outside saying x not welcome in massive letters!!! And if they were there I’d probably say something out loud to everyone in attendance to embarrass the person into leaving