How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

Have a direct cremation. Then your family can have a wake in their own time to celebrate your life. We did this with FIL.

This. You won't care. It won't matter.

If there are no suspicious circumstances and the will is bring held by a solicitor, very often the funeral is happening alongside to access to the will. We'd had the funeral before my Mother's bank accounts etc were closed. We'd only claimed the life insurances via the death certificate. It depends on how busy people are, were they live re proximity, who is executor etc.

I've had to opt for a direct cremation to protect my youngest from toxic relatives.

Direct cremation as others have suggested

I also like the idea from a pp of holding some sort of celebration before you die (if you have reason to think you may die prematurely)
It means the family and friends you'd want to celebrate your life can do it with you, with no risk of anyone you don't want to be there.

Then instructions for a direct cremation.

In my own experience, what happens to the deceased's body, and what happens to their assets/finances (which is the main point of a will), are two different processes which can go at different speeds depending on the details. The best thing is to keep next-of-kin/executor informed about your wishes (and give them a copy of the will).

I think that telling your funeral directors is the best policy. Saying something like "Due to the relationship I had with my parents during my lifetime, I would like all efforts to be made to ensure that they don't attend my funeral. Should they turn up uninvited, I would ask that you politely request them to leave, so as not to distress the other guests who are welcome. I would also ask that you don't supply them with an order of service or any other form of keepsake such as the funeral flowers"

You don't have to specify why, just let them know what you would prefer and hopefully they will honour it as best they can.

Write in the letter that you do not want him there, and that you understand that your siblings would like to attend in peace - as you've stated in this post.

At the end of the day, in the normal run of things, children don;t pre-decease parents, but if you do and if he does turn up, you won't know about it. It seems a bizarre thing to be so concerned about.

I have a relative (not a parent) who abused me as a child - have been NC for 40 years - but I can't get worked up about whether he attends my funeral or not,
At most a bit miffed at missing out on the joy his death.

Why would anyone want to exert control beyond their death?
It smacks of narcissism.

I sincerely hope my bil doesn’t come to my funeral but as he and his dw could hire themselves out as professional mourners with a stellar cv I’ve accepted that they may well attend.
I don’t let it worry me because I’ll be dead.

You do realise that life doesn't always work like that....

The will is obtainable within maximum of a few days if it is being stored by a solicitor, upon presentation of the death certificate and the executor's ID.

That's incorrect. People leave funeral instructions in their Will, whether burial or cremation. This would normally be checked as soon as a person has died.

You can write a letter however way you want to and address it to anyone you want to.
It would be impossible to guarantee such a wish would be respected and it certainly cannot be enforced.
You are wasting time, energy and emotions on something that cannot be set in place.
Why would you care anyway, you'd be dead. And the parent in question will most likely die before you will.

If your parent has been vile / toxic to you during your life, and you do pre-decease them, comfort yourself that there is a high likelihood they won't know when you're dead nor the funeral arrangements and won't be bothered to come to your funeral anyway, why would they.

i wouldn't emburden a funeral director with the job of blocking an unwanted relative, in the main they already do a great job of dealing with the practicalities and logistics at a very difficult time, it would be the last thing they need to have to navigate through.

If you dont trust your other parent you need to ensure they are not the one organising, and thus 'hosting' your funeral.
Ultimately anyone could tell the estranged parent the location /time of the funeral but it will be whoever is hosting the event that would be in a position to bar them entry or ask them to leave.
Its not going to be possible to guarantee they are not there - you seem to imagine that if it's in your will that somehow formalises it and sort of makes it legally binding in some way but for a request like this, thats not the case.

You can't stop someone from attending an event from beyond the grave. It is a waste of your emotional energy to agonise over this. Simply write a line the will or in a seperate letter that says 'X parent is unwelcome at any funeral or memorial held' and move on.

To be blunt, you’ll be dead. You won’t know if they come or not, and it won’t make the slightest bit of difference to you.

It sounds to me that estrangement is not enough for you. You feel the need to make a final ‘fuck you’ statement— and have a go at the other parent into the bargain. I’m not sure it would be worth the emotional energy. Try to put them to the back of your mind, ensure that they do not benefit in any way from your will, but don’t overthink your funeral, which is not for you anyway, but for those who are still alive.

Who would stop them from coming into the funeral? Who would give that task to ?

Wills are made available to the named executors almost immediately after death. Wills often contain funeral and burial instructions so of course executors and solicitor will know the contents.

If by "read" you mean read out at a meeting of the family that's fictional bollocks.

I think the only way to stop someone coming to a funeral, realistically, is to have trusted people sworn to secrecy, or not to have a funeral. Funeral directors will refuse to act as security. They simply won't do it.

Being light-hearted for a moment, can you make a bequest in their name to a charity you know they would hate? And have that announced at the funeral?

Sorry to to hear you find yourself in this position, but please try not to let them get to you too much - they're not worth the headspace...

This. Prepay for a direct cremation with no attendees, that's the easiest and those who care can say goodbye privately.

Why do posters who clearly know nothing about this post such nonsense?

I'm a solicitor. The will is checked as soon as the death is known. Many wills contain explicit instructions about funeral and burial arrangements. These directions don't however have to be followed.

I think the wider issue to be explored, faced or resolved is your relationship and contempt you have for your DM. She seems to be the one causing you angst.

This funeral scenario is a sort of 'helpless and hopeless' situation that you want to impact / control both your DPs.

But why not deal with those feelings now in life and put them to bed rather than live with this resentment and plot spoiler after your death?

You dont even have to 'face' your DM or DF - you just need to do some counselling so that you can unravel your issues and your DM behaviour doesnt emotionally trap you in the same silent rage way that it does currently. You need to be released from this toxic emotional dynamic if its preoccupying you to this degree especially given that the ages/timings is an unrealistic scenario.

One of my relatives died recently. They prearranged their funeral and informed the funeral director that the cremation was to be immediate family only (as in spouse, child, sibling, parent, parent in law, sibling in law, twonaunts and their spouses) but the wake was more open.

These wishes were honoured.

@sarah010179 if you have specific wishes then you should prearrange your funeral with whatever clear directions you feel you need.

@NewFriendlyLadybird - you put it much better than me.