How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

A funeral director isn't going to act as a bouncer at your funeral to keep this person out. You need to speak directly to your family or close friends whoever is likely to a. be involved in organising it and b. will follow your wishes.

If not your other parent, maybe your siblings?

You will be dead, there is no way you will know who attends or doesn’t. I think you need to let this one go, it is the kind of poison that seeps into your life if you let it.

This isn't true. As soon as a death certificate is produced, whomever holds the original will has to hand it over to the executor. In reality, the executors usually have a copy of the will after its been written, and in some cases also hold the original will.
Wills arent ‘read’ like it shows in the movies.
However, OP, funerals are public events. Unless you have the means to be buried in a private location, anyone can visit a grave in a cemetery.

A funeral is not about rhe dead person's wishes, but the wishes of thsoe who are living. If your close ones (parent) need another person (your other parent in this case) to support them, then that is usually respected. It is a shame that you are allowing someone you clearly hate so much of your emotional energy, particularly as you seem to be expecting not to live a long life. You won't be there Sarah, so it will no longer matter.

From a practical perspective, do you have a partner or friend who can arrange the funeral according to your wishes? You may want to have a simple cremation or burial with minimal words, then have a wake organised without your parents present, which is for your friends to celebrate your life.

Write an official letter of wishes. We were told that was the place to detail exactly what you want / don't want.

You can also specify for a friend scatter your ashes at a secret location, if the idea of them visiting a grave is concerning for you.

One of my parents didn't want their brother at the burial so we made that bit invitation only and told everyone else to go on to the wake. It was really special. They didn't mind him at the funeral so can't comment on that bit

In the UK you don't have a formal Will reading. A Will can be read at anytime and you should communicate clearly your wishes before your death if something is likely to be controversial so not to cause issues for surviving relatives/friends.

I worked in a solicitors years ago and one person's Will contained instructions for everyone to wear read and have a party to celebrate her life afterwards and not a wake full of tears and sadness.

You could write a letter to your surviving family explaining your wishes around who is attending your funeral but it is a public event so you cannot stop someone from being there.

Could you say that you want a direct cremation? No mourners at all, then.

You could also leave some money specifically for a wake/celebration of life party in a venue - that part would be invitation only, of course.

The people arranging your funeral may well choose a different Funeral Director. your will can contain your wishes, but thats all they are - just wishes.

Might be worth doing a pre paid funeral with a funeral director you trust, nominating a sibling as next of kin and or executor so the only one who can make arrangements.
Will a sibling stand up to them?

That’s not been our experience. When my grandfather passed away, we had no access to his will for months.

It’s not about wording it. How are you expecting them to actually do it? Put bouncers on the door at a funeral?

When one of my parents died, none of us wanted my sibling present. We organised a quiet funeral, and that person wasn’t told until after the fact. I have zero regrets.

You can write an expression of wishes letter, and put whatever you want into it. But it won’t guarantee anything - a funeral director is not going to get involved in being a bouncer and refusing to admit someone at the door - and you need to consider the strain that trying to enforce your last wishes will have on any of your loved ones who feel forced into a confrontation or falling out at an emotional time.

Tell your siblings and parent in a letter that your wishes are that your estranged parent not attend. That’s all you can do, and be aware you’re relying on them to enforce something they may not agree with and will cause division and upset.

You can’t ban someone from attending a funeral at a church or crematorium.

We held the ceremony part of my mum’s funeral on the premises of the funeral home, so presumably it would at least theoretically be possible to ban someone from entering those private premises, unlike a church or public crematorium. But I’m not sure how that would work in practice - bouncers at the door asking for ID?
Your best chance would be to ask a good friend to organise the funeral and let the funeral home know (and put it in the will) and then make it invitation only, as PP have said. If non-estranged parent is at risk of letting the other one know, the nuclear option would be to exclude them too.
Another option - but take legal advice - might be to make any inheritance they get dependent on them not facilitating the toxic parent attending. I can imagine this is on very dodgy legal ground, but it doesn’t actually need to be enforceable, it just needs to persuade the enabling parent to follow your wishes.
They must have done some pretty awful shit for it to be this important to you. 🙁

Are you in the UK? Who held the will? Who took months?

When my grandparent died, I had access to the will immediately as his executor.

One of the last things my father said was he didn't want his BIL at his funeral.
Whilst I am very grateful he was protecting me it caused a massive family falling out that only stopped through death.
As it seems your siblings feel the same way about your parent then they will have to deal with it as best they can. I'm not sure there is a legally binding way, but well done for standing up for what you believe in.
I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation 💐

They're available as soon as you like if you give them a copy!

My biological sperm donor tried to make my sister's funeral completely empty by not telling any of her family and friends when it was. This included her 3 children, they were 16, 11 and 10 at the time. It worked have worked too if I hadn't phoned the funeral home and pretended to be a florist. There is a way you can do it, good luck to you.

Have a direct cremation that way no one attends ,people can organise a wake /celebration of your life etc after?

You are overthinking this. There is no special form of words. You just say that you don't want this person to attend under any circumstances. That is all you need to say. You can state your reasons if you wish, but that is not essential. And you have to accept that there is no guarantee that your estranged parent won't attend, regardless of anything you write. Whoever organises the funeral (normally the executors of your will) should not invite your estranged parent, but it is unlikely they will be physically prevented from attending if they find out when and where your funeral is taking place and turn up.

Perhaps it's better not to have a grave if you don't want them visiting it. You can't have a grave policed 24/7, or at all really. Consider cremation and having your ashes scattered or somesuch. Having a physical memorial will mean they can go to it and you can't stop them. You can't control things after you've died, sorry.