How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

I've thought about this and can only think of one possibility. Pre-book everything and only let one trusted person know the details or talk to the funeral directors. This person would only let people know the day the funeral is held but not the time or place, then send a text letting them know. Don't think you legally have to have it in the paper now. Other than that there's always the new "simplistic" ones where nobody goes.

You will be dead. Who cares.

Have you by any chance arranged your own funeral? Through work, I once attended a talk by a funeral director. She told us that sometimes they are asked to refuse certain people permission to enter the funeral service. This she said, is more common than you would think and they do refuse entry as requested. I was just thinking this might be something you could arrange with them now as part of the package.

Anyone can come to a funeral - it's public. But are you likely to pre-decease your parents?

I hate those new 'symplistic' ones. A funeral is for the bereaved and to honour and remember the dead. You can have the knees up later, that everyone wanted, but honouring comes first.

Simple disposal of a body without ceremony is not dishonourable.

My friends DF wanted this. She of course understood his wishes - didnt think it would be a problem for her. When it came to it she was left unexpectedly floundering.

I've arranged four, for family members. I thought they were fantastic as our family hate funerals and having to sit staring at a fucking coffin. There's no objectively 'correct' way to do it.

None of us know when our time will end

Leave instructions to advertise that your "funeral" will be held 500 miles away from its actual location.

My assumption would be that the OP has some serious health issues (though that's up to them to disclose if they feel like it, of course.)

However, although offspring usually outlive their parents, the possibility of pre-deceasing them can be worth bearing in mind when sorting out a will, even if there are no health concerns. Because no one ever knows what might happen or who will die first. A good friend of mine unexpectedly passed away earlier this year, at the age of 34, pre-deceasing both of his parents, and of course, leaving them heartbroken.

You can arrange for the wake to be invitation-only, but not the funeral. And if your other parent brings the person as a partner even banning them from the wake might be tricky. But what you can do is compose a well-worded message you spread among those you love, trust and appreciate explaining your wish. Then even if that person shows up at your funeral everybody who matters will know it's against your wish, and that will be a powerfull message.

Maybe in your opinion….but everyone’s different…..the dead don’t need to be honoured ……be there for the living.
my mum who’s 88 wants direct cremation…..as does my DP who is 66…..I hate funerals so this suits me just fine…..we will celebrate their life later down the li E when we decide what to do with the ashes…..but I’m not into honouring dead bodies

When arranging my daughter's funeral the undertaker asked if there was anyone who wouldn't be welcome. We knew she would not have wanted her father there so the undertakers all stood watch at the door. He didn't turn up but there was no way he'd have tried to get past six burly men - he only beats up women.

My cousin instructed the Funeral Directors to not give out any information regarding the funeral and they didn't. No one knew when the funeral was and later we found out the person had been cremated with two people in attendance. So it is a public event if you can find out where and when

I am sorry you did not have a better father, and that your mother is weak.
If my father had not predeceased me, I would be considering the same in my wishes for my funeral arrangements. My mother's priority would have been not to cause a scene.
I would have included that I strongly wish that my father should be excluded from all parts of my funeral because he abused us. I could trust my husband and friends to ensure this.
My niece, dying from cancer in a small town, asked her young son and parents to ensure that her coercive ex-husband did not attend her funeral. She told the ex not to attend. The undertaker also agreed to watch out for him during the burial. The ex turned up at the wake. The son panicked, and asked his grandad to eject him. He just went to him and told him to respect her wishes and leave. He did.

Funeral directors aren't bouncers - they can't control that. And wills can't either. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's no way to ensure anyone doesn't go to your funeral. Just make sure there's no way your parents can get their hands on anything you own or gain any control over your dependents / pets / whatever, and let it go.

What you could do is write a letter detailing the facts about the estrangement and so on, and leave it with a trusted friend with instructions to whoever needs to hear it, after you're gone. You could mention in there that you don't want them at your funeral; if everyone knew that, they might make it clear to them they're not welcome. You can also detail your wishes for your funeral (again, have a friend who you can trust to give it to whoever's officiating as well as the funeral directors) and state you don't want them to speak at the funeral.

About the wording, you could write to whoever is likely to arrange your funeral saying ‘I ask that you do everything possible to prevent my mother Anna Strong from attending my funeral
and visiting my grave, whether by keeping the details secret or any other means.’
It will only be a request, because they won’t be able to enforce it. They might arrange the funeral very quickly and only tell a few people. You need to tell them who you DO want there if they are going to avoid public announcements. And make sure that nobody invited contacts the unwelcome family member.
Also I think you need to see if you can make peace with the fact that this is not something you have much control over. Sorry things are this bad.

Could you get "Twat-Free Zone" engraved on your headstone?