How to word in my will that I don't want estranged parent at my funeral?

[sarah010179]

with the new year approaching, I'm getting my financial affairs and paperwork in order. One of the things will be to write a will.
I have an outline of my wishes and one of the most important things to me is that an estranged (very toxic) parents does not attend my funeral or graveside. How do I word this in a professional but clear sounding way? Unfortunately, I have no faith that my other parent would respect this wish (they have form for going against my wishes on serious matters), so I want it written in some kind of official, unambiguous way that the estranged parent doesn't attend and gets asked to leave/removed if they show up. Ideas?

Just let all your loved ones mourn you rather than having to stress over who is unofficial bouncer at your funeral.

There’s always direct cremation. Not being an arse, we used it and had a private wake at home for people MIL actually liked.

Are you absolutely sure you want a funeral? As other people have said, funerals are public affairs, not by invitation only. You could have a direct cremation and then your ashes scattered somewhere. Then you could ask your nearest and dearest to have a get together or service of remembrance and make them aware that this is to be by invitation only. You could eve set aside a sum of your money in your will to pay for this service or gathering on the proviso that your estranged parent is not invited. Your ashes could be scattered in a place that is dear to you. Then there is no grave for estranged parent to visit.

I'd like to know how many people commenting about execution of Wills have actually executed a Will. So many inaccurate statements on here.

I've done it three times to date, always started before the funeral as timescales for tax do not allow you the luxury of waiting until after. Also, never disclosed content until after the everything has been processed due to the legalities, with the exception of any funeral arrangements which are shared with Funeral Directors and Celebrant.

For the OP, I would suggest you speak to your Solicitor to find a mechanism whereby you can exclude said family member.

Funerals are public so you can’t stop anyone attending
You could stop them from attending a wake though

If the funeral is not made public would they hear about it by other means.?

If you don’t want someone to attend you’d be better telling them and hoping they abide by your wishes.
Otherwise it’s not up to funeral directors to deny access to anyone.

I agree with this. I'm sorry to hear that you think you're likely to die before your parents, OP.

Are you sure about that? My recent experience is that the Executors get the Will Pack straight away, because it is the Executors who are responsible for going through the legal processes.

The Will is legally binding (except that a church funeral is public and you can't change that); the accompanying Letter of Wishes is not, although it is expected that the Executors will adhere to it as closely as possible.

I've thought about this a lot as someone who also has a shit parent. Realistically you need to write a letter to whoever will organise your funeral and leave aside money for them to pay for a bouncer/security guard to stand outside and not let your parent in. That's the only way I can see this happening

My experience is that we (all the beneficiaries) took our mother's will out from where she'd told us that she'd put it the afternoon after she died and I (as executor) went round closing bank accounts as soon as we'd got the death certificate. We certainly didn't have a formal will reading as her will was the same as our father's and we knew what was in it. And she'd told us what she wanted her funeral to be like

@sarah010179 if I was in your position I would have a direct cremation, no service etc. for people to attend (actually my husband & I are probably going to have this, as we have no children and obviously no grandchildren either). You could leave instructions for family & friends to have a private get together to remember you, which would be invite only.

I thought that the Will did have to be followed, it was the Letter of Wishes that didn't. But that the Will usually just says burial or cremation, and the rest of the arrangements are in the Letter of Wishes.

Agree.
I don't agree with the 'when you're dead it won't matter to you' arguments. We should, if we wish, have full control over what happens to our bodies after we die. People should respect our wishes.
Plan and pay for your own cremation/burial with a funeral director you trust. And tell those closest to you.
We've chosen and paid for our funerals with graves in a meadow site. (We don't want to be cremated) Others won't have to wonder what we want.
Your body, your death, your choice.

We opened my mum’s immediately in case there were funeral instructions.it’s available straight away,

A Will has to be followed for distribution of assets etc, but the disposal of the body usually says “I wish to be cremated/buried” or at least ours always have done. So they know what you’d like but not legal obliged.

This is to cause maximum hurt and distress to the living, once OP is dead.

Burial wishes do not have to be followed if not practicable, e.g if the plot is full or if there isn't enough money for the type of send off the deceased wanted.

Re assets, a will also doesn't legally need to be followed if all beneficiaries are in agreement to an alternative, they can vary the will via deed.

Yeah - I think people are reading too much Agatha Christie. My brother and I already had a copy of our parents' wills anyway, but I agree the best thing is to make those that will be arranging your funeral - family or funeral directors if you have a prepaid arrangement - aware of your wishes. This includes not putting details in the paper and asking all invitees not to tell anyone else (especially the uninvited) because the funeral is to be a private affair as per your wishes. This is honestly the best you can do.

We didn't put anything in the paper about our parents' funeral because it was during covid and we were limited on who could attend anyway, but if people don't know, then they can't attend.

It could also backfire.

I would not want my DCs, friends and family to have to be preoccupied with this toxicity when they were grieving. It does seem like a punch from beyond the grave but which will inevitably have cause collateral, unintended hurt and distress to the OPs loved ones. Deal with your demons now OP so that you can be emotionally free and live a lighter brigher life rather than witholding and brewing bitterness for the rest of your life and which you loved ones will have to mop up.

You can’t….anyone can attend a funeral

The executors need to get the will sanctioned by the High Court which requires a probate process. It's not immediate.

OP, your will can only reflect how you want your estate to be distributed. You can't prevent your parents from attending your funeral. No one can.

Absolutely not….your parent may specify a funeral and burial….as executor you could do direct cremation 🤷‍♀️

Who’s ‘we’? The executor should have immediate access. If the executor was a solicitor, then you have no legal right to see the will until it’s gone through probate.

No. You don't need to wait for probate to be granted in order to obtain the will, action funeral choices and take other executor decisions such as informing banks and insurance providers. It is only bigger actions such as distributing larger assets (like selling a house) that requires the grant of probate or letters of administration.

Am I in obtuse here but wouldn’t you be dead so past caring?

This isnt the issue for the OP at all though is it?

Of course anyone can make practical wishes known and its then much easier for the family to execute and not have to fret about options and decisions.

This isnt whats being discussed here - its seemingly an emotional anger / disappointment at her DM being unable to prioritise her wishes re her DF. I suspect this is real childhood trauma currently preoccuying the OPs life so much so that she is planning and preempting a highly unlikely scenario given everyones ages. What a waste of her emotional focus through her life.

We ve executed six wills
Two of those wills were read out after the funeral by solicitors
One was in Guernsey ( so possibly different rules)
and one was in England

The one in England was quite contentious which could be why it was read after the funeral.
We, as executors, along with one other relative also an executor went to the solicitors office the afternoon of the funeral for the reading. We were not permitted to see it before as the solicitor was also an executor and that was the deceased decision ( again possibly because of its contentious nature so the deceased choice.)
We then went back to read it to all the other relatives who were shocked by its contents.
The funeral was paid for by the solicitor out of the deceased estate. With some payments made after the will was executed.

So it does happen just like we often see on TV