To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Chilling! 😂 Ooooh yes, I'm a sinister ghostie!

As for you, Nolegusta, it's become very clear what your problem is with this thread.

What about if your DM is a right pita, hates Christmas TV and disapproves of any present that costs more than 50p? I remember trying to watch Coronation St on Christmas day while DM sat with her back to the TV. She disapproved of DS getting a guitar for his present. She wasn't invited again and quite honestly wouldn't care as it made no odds to her what day we saw her.. The OP's friend obviously has her reasons for wanting a Christmas with just her DH and kids.

Also wtf is this attitude?

-Hi peeps, AIBU to do x?
-Well, since you're asking, yes you are actually.
-No, I'm not, you poisonous banshees.

Wtf?

Yep, OP should maybe self report and ask for deletion of this awful post.

Don't forget Group D-the ones who don't host but expect to be invited to someone else's Christmas every year.

I have a Group D SIL, she’s never cooked a Christmas dinner and never offers to host any part of Xmas at her house.

You're welcome to your view and to manage your family as you see fit. It doesn't make my view nonsense. Of course parents and siblings remain your family, but they are not your nuclear family. If what meets the needs of your nuclear family is to spend time together on one specific day of the year, I find it refreshing for extended family to accept that rather than force you to stick to an unwelcome tradition started by your great, great, great, great, great, great grandparents. If on the other hand, you like tradition, then by all means carry it on. I wouldn't judge anyone who had a massive Christmas, nor would I judge the OP's "friend".

Your post did make me wonder, come Christmas day, how many posts will we see on here of beleagured women trying to cook for a small army while trying to keep children safe and happy; appease difficult, rude relatives and not blow a gasket at their unhelpful other half?

I've never hidden my issues with your judgmental thread.
Own goal.

It's peak bully to blame someone for standing up to bullying. Talk about blame the victim! If someone calls me vile they can expect it right back. If you don't like it, tough titties.

Yes, if they were like my mother.

When she was ill and frail she just wanted to stay alone in her comfortable flat with everything she needed close at hand, comfortable reclining chair, adapted high rise toilet etc. She'd watch films on Netflix, send emails to family and nap when tired. She loved having a Christmas dinner brought to her to eat when she felt like it, but didn't want to have to chat long to visitors

She hated the thought of being around excited grandchildren, sitting in uncomfortable chairs and having to be social for hours.

‘Desperately trying not judge’?

Here is my advice. Simply don’t judge her. Assume you can’t possibly know all the details of her life and relationships with people.

Remind yourself she is your friend. So she must be a decent person or you wouldn’t be friends with her. Remind yourself it’s ok to disagree with friends about how you spend Christmas Day.

and if you really find someone else’s plans for Christmas Day, upsetting, then that’s something you need address.

Since you know everyone involved so well, add her in laws and her sister to your list of people you are inviting and hosting.

Who’s the victim?
You’ve come on a thread to slag off your so called mate, rather than doing the decent thing and talking to her. Some people find that distasteful and as this is AIBU and not the relationship board, the assumption is that you’re not after nuanced discussion

Stay friends or don’t stay friends. It’s not that big of a deal really

Not any more, although it has been relatively gradual as myself and ex remained friends.
I would explain more but would quickly become outing!

Thank you for your empathy.

You've really not been bullied.
You came here looking for justification to judge your 'friend'.
You called anyone who disagreed a troll and were actually quite nasty to several posters.

Is this what caring and kindness looks like? Just checking.

People make choices for all sorts of different reasons. This example is just one of those. It might seem strange to someone else, it might seem perfectly acceptable to others. I don’t see the fact that the couple the OP is judging are parents to have much relevance to be honest, as single people and those without children are prefectly entitled to make the same choices, and they do.

There might be all sorts of factors that can influence the choices made, and it’s highly likely that no matter how much might be said to someone else, how much they think they know or assume, it’s unlikely they understand the full situation, or why that choice has been made. Mumsnet is awash with threads about those who are utterly fed up with not having the Christmas they would like to have if circumstances or relationships were different, and it does tend to be a time where there might be a lot of compromises being made. Folks make their own choices as much as they can, and get through, or simply enjoy the festive season without having to compromise to the point where it all just falls apart.

I don’t consider it mature or even nice to be over judgemental in these kind of circumstances, and having a good old gossip about it on social media does seem a betrayal.

I don't have family to invite, but I would feel blessed to have family to invite.
Also it would be great for kids.
Remind hour friend, that when her kids are grown up they are likely to follow her tradition and exclude her from their Christmas celebrations.
🎄

My mother has done it for years and years - this year, she is going away for christmas. And i really do not blame her tbh. The woman never sat down, always the last one to eat etc.

Why did you/and siblings allow this to happen? Could you not have offered to host? Could you not have said, sit down and eat mum, I’ll sort the gravy (or whatever). Don’t worry about the washing up/making a cup of tea mum, I will do that (or brother, husband etc) as you’ve been on your feet all day.

Humbly reminding people that when people are struggling with their mental or physical health (and therefore really not up to doing things they want to do and would be capable of doing when healthy), the worst thing is to know they’re being judged as selfish.

The guilt people feel when unwell (and especially mentally unwell and especially if they struggle to open up about it) can exacerbate the health problem, and especially when they feel or know people regard them as selfish.

Rather than judge, it’s better to be empathetic.

Of course we did - my mum is a perfectionist. We would never have done it 'right'.

Thankfully, she has listened to myself and her husband to take the year off this year and visit some friends abroad.

This is so selfish and cruel, she sounds awful. If she doesn't actually dislike these family members why wouldn't she want to make them happy by being hospitable?

If it's more work then compensate by buying in more ready made food or something.

I disagree with others who say it's fine, hospitality and care for others to me is fundamental.

@NoisyDenimShaker I think you will have to ask her to stop discussing Xmas with you. If she asks why, just say it makes you sad thinking of all their relatives being excluded. If you get a chance, you could maybe ponder aloud how she may feel if she’s excluded from her own kids’ family Xmasses in the future. Hopefully it might give her some food for thought, but if it stops her banging on about her perfect little Xmas to you, surely that’s a result.

Also, if he doesn’t agree, her DH presumably could have properly stood up to her at some point or made the effort to include his own parents…their kids are old enough to have an opinion too, one would imagine.

just tell her you don’t want to hear about it anymore - that’s all you can do. Good luck xx

? It is truly awful to leave a dying family member alone for Christmas when they're actually upset about it yes.

Well there’s no one but herself to blame for being worn out then if she refuses all offers of help/alternative hosts. Rather negates your point of “so often hosting falls to the woman” when women are choosing to be martyrs.

Actually, it kind of does make my point. I do feel we as woman are conditioned to behave like this and allow it all to fall on us. I myself have noticed I do it, to ensure everyone else's comfort over my own...

It comes up often, and all those women you so accurately describe who are run ragged are on here wistfully saying they are envious of those who can have Christmas with just their DH and kids.